Thursday, December 1, 2011

The challenging first post

Alright, so this isn't my first blog, nor my first post. Yet it is. My life has radically changed since the last time I posted to my blog. I can't go back. That purple house is gone. But I do have a new one. OK. So I don't own it. I still call it home and it is riddled with my purple belongings. And it is absolutely smaller (by half). I have chosen to make this blog private. It is me writing about my life and the challenges it presents and my reactions to it. I write to process and process I must do to continue on my journey forward. I am not novel or creative in this process, but find it imperative for my personal growth. I have become a bit paranoid in my years, and have found facebook unsatisfying. I do not want to "unfriend" the people on there, as I do care for them, but I have felt at times to be "watched" by people that maybe had less than helpful motives in doing so. Also, I am an emotional person, and dislike the adult style "ridicule" of any emotional posts (on facebook), yet I still want to say those things, what ever they might be on that given day. So if you were invited to read this, please, most definitely, remember it was sent to you on a basis of trust. This is my emotional life that I am choosing a semi public forum to talk about, and I want to pretend to maintain some control over who gets to read this information (at least at this time).

I have spend the last 2 years keeping a journal in letter form to Melanie. If for any reason you don't know who she is, she is my best friend since I was 13. 2 years ago she was incarcerated for a crime I do not believe she committed. She is in for 20 - 50 years. Do not fear...I am still writing her, and even got to visit her in Sept. I do however, sometimes find it more convenient to journal in this format while in the dark in bed after Thurston has hit the hay, vs. the old pen and paper method.

Thurston and I are ramping up for what maybe a long but fun holiday season. The calendar is already getting filled. I am trying very hard to remember that although it is on the calendar, it doesn't mean that it has to happen. As my friend Noah said to me not long ago, "Sometimes you just can't get to every party!" This evening was the first night for us at the JFS Supporting Single Jewish Parents monthly meeting. I realized recently that I, not only have almost zero friends, who are divorced, but also single parents (and live in the same city). I struggle in being able to talk about my day to day trials with single parenting with other parents without getting, frankly frustrated, angry and jealous. It isn't totally a rational response in the face of friends being sympathetic, but is how I feel none the less. Things like the simple act of getting 45 minutes to work out becomes this giant mountain to overcome, as silly as that seems. I have no childcare for this important and supposedly daily act. Getting up an hour earlier does not resolve this issue of childcare...it is still there. I need to talk to people who have those same struggles. Most of the challenges come in the form of day to day management of time. There just isn't enough time. The compromises you end up having to choose turn out to be immense. If I "carve" out time for myself I feel guilt for all the "stuff" that doesn't get done. When I do get all the "stuff" done, I find that my legs don't get shaved, I don't exercise, and god forbid a social life where I interact with other adults while not at work or with a child attached to me.

To attempt to create some mental balance, I have been trying to recognize some of the upsides of basically tanking any adult type social life.(clearly my sarcasm indicates struggle with this) I do have time every couple of days to work on my hobbies. I do have time to remember that I don't have to multitask every moment, and can focus on what Thurston is trying to communicate. I am getting more sleep. With more sleep and less social interaction = a much lower and much more manageable anxiety level. The upside is there. I do still have a tremendous fear that I might never find a person to share my life with. It is my fear. I guess the only way to conquer it, is to put it out there and admit it. I could go into a tirade as to why I have this fear, but it is only a self deprecating tirade that isn't productive. I am trying to let go of that self inflicted negativity.

So here I am. Here is the new blog. Working on the new and hopefully improved me. Well, the in process me anyways.
Peace.

1 comment:

  1. I am glad you are doing this. I totally get needing to have some support that really gets YOUR specific situation. I think I remember a hint of what was going on with your friend a few years back, but I didn't know about the sentence. What a heavy. Its a beauty you have one another. Consider me a supportive subscriber!! XO

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