Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Love and Respect

1. Despite my best efforts I am still exhausted from the social fest known as "The Holidays"

2. Crappy Christmas. Crappy interactions pretty much with every person I encountered that day.

3. Despite efforts to put aside previous incidents still had fight with Father and Brother. (happened on Christmas Day)

4. Tired of unresolved issues with family.

5. Tired of the fact that I feel as though my family doesn't really want to hear what I have to say.

6. Considering moving away from a city I love to just get away from my family.

7. Realizing that #6 is shitty, but still feel like my family just wants to see what they want to see.

8. Tired that I have pretty much no one except my therapist to confide in.

9. Crappy realization that basically I have pay somebody to listen to me.

10. Massive Blinding HEADACHE....due to all of this stress.
11. Filed for divorce today.

12. Tired.

13. I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT JESUS IS MY PERSONAL SAVIOR. END OF STORY.

14. I do believe in family bed. I am sticking with it, despite (mostly my family) people trying to convince me otherwise.

15. I AM JEWISH AND RAISING MY SON AS SUCH. PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CONVERT HIM OR MAKE HIM SEE "THE ERRORS OF HIS WAY" while I am standing in the room. IT IS ABSOLUTELY DISRESPECTFUL to me and him. In addition to the fact that I feel like it is taking advantage of a young child. It is one thing to talk about your own experience, it is another to tell a young child that it is wrong to believe what their parents believe. Yes, on this issue I am critical. It is MY CHILD! I never try to convince ANYBODY that their spiritual belief is wrong. It is a personal choice. I expect my son in time to do his own exploration as he gets older. He is not yet at that age, and until that time, I will raise him in my belief.  Do not cross me on this. I will have no patience going forward on this issue.

16. I have NEVER, repeat NEVER asked, or will ask any man to take Jay's place as Thurston's father.

17. I have NEVER asked or implied to anybody to parent/discipline Thurston while I am present.  Just because I am a single parent doesn't give you the right to believe that is my "unspoken desire"

18. Just because I am no longer married, nor making a lot of money, does not mean I am a)helpless b) an idiot c)incapable d)less of a human being e)less of a parent.

19.I hate asking for help, because it has been my experience that when I do I am a)made to feel bad at a (or any) later date b)open to unnecessary and unhelpful criticism and judgement (to be rendered whenever the giver feels like it) . I also do not like to "burden" people with my responsibilities.

20. I am a GOOD PARENT. My son is a good kid. Please stop making assumptions that because I am doing this alone that some how I am fucking my kid up. I was doing it alone when I was married. Now I just don't pretend about it anymore. 

21. I am tired of having people talk down to me. You can talk to me and not talk down. Talking down is fucking rude.

22.No, my life at this moment is not what I had dreamed it would be. 

23. You make the most of what you get, and try to make the best decisions you can with the information you have. At least, that is how I try to live.

24. Although I make a lot of mistakes, I AM NOT A BAD PERSON. 

25. I can be angry with somebody, and still love them. My family should know that I know they love me. Please stop using that as an excuse to disarm the negative feelings that I do have. For example, I know my Father loves me, but I do not believe he has respect for me. There is a difference between love and respect.

26. I do not feel like I have any person I can turn to just talk to. This is a painful painful realization.  My family feels the need to defend and justify instead of simply listening.

27. I am tired of people telling me and other people like myself that we are too emotional.  That is asking me not to be me. That is like telling somebody, "gosh, your hair is too black" or "gee, your nose it too big" All it does is put me on the defensive. In hindsight, a technique perhaps to disarm me, but in the long run, only fuels my anger and irritation.

28. Tired of trying to make everything positive all the time. It simply isn't. Some days and weeks are just really fucking crappy. I don't have the energy to lie or debate this issue. Or feel worse for not being a pollyana.

29. I have yet to meet ANY young kids that don't need help with their manners, including my own son. If you think that isn't the case, then the child that behaves perfectly has been literally beaten into submission, or you don't spend significant time with young children.

30. I  fear that I will never fall in love again. Or even greater, that no one will ever be in love with me again.

I guess this is the end of my crappy, shitty list. There is more, but I don't want to go there. I will try again tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow will have some small thing that will happen that makes me smile. I haven't smiled in a few days. Only fake ones when I have had to. 

2 comments:

  1. I love you and support you! You have a right to raise your son as you like and a right to choose your own beliefs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love you and I think you're doing an awesome job with Thurston...and that you're an amazing, strong woman.

    ReplyDelete