It is Sunday. It is 2.26pm. I have 2 birthday parties to head out to in a little while. I think that it is really normal to be reflective around your birthday. I continue to be obsessed with the songs babooshka by kate bush and moomer fus 3 by motion pictures. I can just listen to these 2 songs over and over for literally hours. I get lost in the melody and lyrics that pop out at me. I keep thinking of love. I keep thinking about the future. I think of what I need to get done to make the future I want. I think about statements friends have made to me of recent. I keep reliving various moments in the last year. I am honored, amazed and perplexed by the generous things said about me. They are all quite contrary to how I see myself. I fear that if I were to accept and believe those kind things that I would become a horrible egocentric abomination. I know that neuroses is the luxury of the affluent.
I went out friday night to celebrate my birthday. I was amazed at who made the efforts to be there. The bar was very busy. Despite any momentary issues that I might have had regarding anxiety, love and desire, what I take away is an overwhelming feeling of acceptance (with that comes a sense of peace and love). I know many people, but in my head rarely allow myself to completely engage. I regularly go places alone. I have always, despite my social nature, spend much time alone. I will go out and watch groups of people laughing, enjoying each other's company, being silly or intense even. They behave as if (in a good way) as if they are the only people in the environment. I used to feel that way with my family, but less so of late, and definitely quite scattered socially with my departure from Jay. Friday night, remembering with rose colored glasses...I felt like me and my friends were that group I spend so much time observing. I knew people I care about were there and we were laughing, playing uno, teasing, etc. It was a great birthday gift.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I keep thinking and thinking on the subject of love. I think about it, worry about it, read about it, talk about it (with my therapist mostly). Recently I read two items that provoked critical thought in myself.
The following is an excerpt from the book "Hector and the Secrets of Love" by Francois Lelord:
The fourth component of heartache is loss of self-esteem. The departure of the loved one is a huge blow to your self-esteem, because does it not show that once people get to know you, you lose your attractiveness? After a few weeks or months or years with you it was inevitable that the loved one, an exceptional being, would end up discovering and being revolted by your mediocrity, which you only managed to disguise long enough to seduce them, and which only their inexperience prevented them from detecting. Now that you find yourself without them, all your old inadequacies-physical, moral, intellectual and social - which you were able to forget or to put into perspective now seem like insurmountable weaknesses.
This read so harshly. But sadly rang true. These are the thoughts that plague me when I contemplate love. It is horrible. I want to change this, but rejection (at least in my case) only tends to validate these feelings of mediocrity. The funny thing is that I have never heard any persons other than "over weight" individuals say anything that comes close to these severe self deprecating thoughts. I guess that all people might feel this way, but I rarely hear the svelt individual struggle with this particular issue.
A few days after reading the previous excerpt, I came across the following statement (from a website):
Stop holding on to intimate relationships that make you unhappy. --Start looking out for yourself when it comes to intimate relationships. It's better to WAIT, and give your hand to someone who will never let go, rather than holding on to the outside of a hand that has never fully opened for you. If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. Remember, anyone can come into your life and say how much they love you. But it takes someone really special to stay in your life and show you how much they love you. So slow it down. True love is worth the wait.
I get what they are saying. My instant reaction was, "hmmmmm...perhaps you, mighty author, just haven't felt the sting of rejection and loneliness." Caddy, I know, but that was my instant, gut reaction.
Consciously I know in theory, that I have to love myself first, then, I will be able to have a healthy relationship with another individual. I am working on that. It is not as easy as the rhetoric might lead you to believe. All of our daily interactions are woven into this intense fabric we take from (and give to). Rejection woven into that tapestry is still there, no matter how many time we say to ourselves, while facing the rising sun, "today, I love me." Ok, yah...I don't say it within that particular corny paradigm. But still, how do take the hurt part of the rejection out of our tapestry/fabric without losing the experience totally.