It is Sunday. It is 2.26pm. I have 2 birthday parties to head out to in a little while. I think that it is really normal to be reflective around your birthday. I continue to be obsessed with the songs babooshka by kate bush and moomer fus 3 by motion pictures. I can just listen to these 2 songs over and over for literally hours. I get lost in the melody and lyrics that pop out at me. I keep thinking of love. I keep thinking about the future. I think of what I need to get done to make the future I want. I think about statements friends have made to me of recent. I keep reliving various moments in the last year. I am honored, amazed and perplexed by the generous things said about me. They are all quite contrary to how I see myself. I fear that if I were to accept and believe those kind things that I would become a horrible egocentric abomination. I know that neuroses is the luxury of the affluent.
I went out friday night to celebrate my birthday. I was amazed at who made the efforts to be there. The bar was very busy. Despite any momentary issues that I might have had regarding anxiety, love and desire, what I take away is an overwhelming feeling of acceptance (with that comes a sense of peace and love). I know many people, but in my head rarely allow myself to completely engage. I regularly go places alone. I have always, despite my social nature, spend much time alone. I will go out and watch groups of people laughing, enjoying each other's company, being silly or intense even. They behave as if (in a good way) as if they are the only people in the environment. I used to feel that way with my family, but less so of late, and definitely quite scattered socially with my departure from Jay. Friday night, remembering with rose colored glasses...I felt like me and my friends were that group I spend so much time observing. I knew people I care about were there and we were laughing, playing uno, teasing, etc. It was a great birthday gift.