Tuesday, February 28, 2012

24. maybe less.

I firmly believe that there are moments in time that are powerful. Magical even. I have a handful I can speak to in my life. It happened again to me. I am still, at Tuesday, trying to sort through that Friday night.

Honestly, it wasn't intended to be a complex day or night. I set out to get a few things done, and enjoy the day and night. I had a free pass for Friday night. Thurston was going to have a sleep over at Uncle Todd's. A first for them. Highly anticipated and quite the success.  I always have conflicted feelings about Thurston sleeping over at a family or friend's house. First I am excited, then worried, then excited, then not thinking about it, then by about 6am, I miss my little cuddle guy.  Selfishly...he generates a lot of heat and keeps me warm!

With Thurston at school and then off with Uncle Todd, my day and evening fell into place.  I had decided that I was attached to only one idea for the evening. I was bound and determined to enjoy nay savor every conversation that naturally presented itself.  With leaving Twiggs for an office job, I am feeling a bit starved for adult conversation. I make no apologies for it.  I do not want to sound rude, elitist, or mean, but I am not interested in speaking for any length of time with somebody who can not carry their own. That, I guess is a matter of education, opinion, confidence, even intelligence.  Even more elusive is the the nebulous undefinable quality of "connection."  As I write this I wonder what the hell this even means.  Connection.

I just looked it up. Not going to shed any light for me on this.  So as I was saying, I was going to let my ability to connect with people drive the evening, not time.  Well, I was lucky. I ended up meeting a person, whom, very quickly felt this elusive connection/repoire with.  If that was't enough, I got to go and see a friend perform, and visit with others I already have a known connection.

Later, although I wasn't looking for it, I was given a complement, when I think I needed it most. I had just hit the part of the evening when self-doubt sets in, and my friend walks up to me, and pays me a sweet compliment. It can be, if timed correctly, a powerful moment when somebody, unsolicited, tells you how they see you.  It was as if I had been given a $1000 poker chip paid in self esteem. It was as if for the first time in a long time the scales got tipped in the direction of healthy self esteem instead of self loathing. This person had no idea they even had done this.  But it was powerful none the less.  Maybe I finally heard what others have been trying to say to me, but until that moment falling on deaf ears.

As it would turn out, I needed it in the following hour. I once again saw Chris.  This time I owned my actions and was able to walk away. Not hurt, angry or even sad. Simply ok with  it all.  It is now in the past. A memory of a strange challenging time.  I am not sure I have ever felt as strong as I did in that moment. There is a piece of me that I own again. Chris didn't have it, as it turns out. All I know is that it was lost before him, but now I have it back.  I like having it back.  I don't remember when I last had this missing piece. But I have it back now. I have it back to stay.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Hijacked Dream

Yesterday was an interesting day. Brought up by issues of love, love lost, attraction and attempting to move on.

In stating the obvious, change has been big in my life since getting my job at Beth El. This big change has made my dream world treacherous to traverse. Sleep hasn't come easy for the last 3 weeks. I dream of work and responsibilities which I do not find restful.  I have been waking up from these fitful dreams every 2-3 hours and having to fall back to sleep.  I don't feel as though I am getting deep sleep. The kind that feels good. The sleep that soothes the brain and its processes.

Yesterday had the making of a pleasant work day (at the bike shop).  About 2/3 of the way through my day, a twist got added. I ran into a gentleman who I am acquaintances with (we know many of the same people, live and work in the same neighborhood etc). Not going to lie. I find this man interesting and attractive. To make this story shorter, he gave me his phone number. I am terrible at this crap. I never know if it means something or absolutely nothing. I also have this tendency to go to black places with my self esteem with these situations. Really there is nothing more to say about this incident, other than it happened and it generated a great deal of thought for me.  I knew that this would have impact on my dreamworld, although I can never predict what the outcome will be.

Much later in the evening, Thurston and I got some take away dinner. I thought how nice it would be to take some to my friend Richie, who generally works pretty late on Friday nights at his own bike shop (Brooklyn Bikes on Adams Ave.).  So I did.  Unbeknownst to me, Chris was there.  That friendship never recovered from the intensity of our involvement. If you don't know who he is and/or who he is to me, ask me some other time. That probably tells you all you really need to know.

These two events were too much for my brain. I already had trouble falling asleep. When sleep finally came, I had a nebulous dream that I was at a bike shop (i am guessing it was Adams Ave. Bikes).  I was standing talking with the guy who, in real time, I had gotten a phone number from, but my view of him was obscured by the repair stand and the green bike in the stand. I knew for sure that it was this guy. Then while talking he comes from around the side of the bike, working on pedals, and it isn't him. It was Chris. I literally jumped back, got pissed off and woke up.

Chris fucking hijacked my dream. I am tired of him doing this to me. It took me another 2 hours to fall back to sleep. I keep telling myself that it is really not productive to dream of him, in hopes that it stops the dreams, but it just doesn't.  I want to dream of somebody else. Somebody else that doesn't represent so much pain and sadness. I am ready to dream about another and just let him go.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Tuesday February 14, 2012

I am neck deep into the new job.

I can tell that for the next month or so, I am going to have to put time in on the front end.

This is a lesson for me in attempting to pace myself.  In years past, I would just work all hours, for months on end to get everything accomplished. I now have Thurston. This is a complete game changer on how I handle new work situations. I have been asked to synthesize a great deal of information in an abnormally short amount of time and perform instantly. To achieve this goal, the variable that I used to be able to control was the time factor. Now...not so much. Actually not at all. Thurston has, inadvertently,  increased the volume on the challenge.  I have to be prudent in the choices I make at the moment yet I shouldn't deny myself down time, otherwise there will be a steep price to pay in my all around health.

Even so, I am amazed at how I love a challenge. It is so easy for me to become completely immersed in it.  I lose all sense of time.  I think I just have to have my personal mantra be "stay on target. stay on target."

The question bears to mind...what is the target?

I have a few targets. I am still trying to figure out their priority in my "grander" list of things. 

As of this evening, I am tired. I am worked.  I am grateful for the day to come to an end. I haven't even discussed the ongoing issues regarding Thurston and where he might go to school next year, or the assessments we have had to endure, and even more so, the results of these assessments. This was additional input for my brain to process this evening. The worries and concerns that are manufactured by these tests have impact. They bring protectiveness, concern, ego, fear all to forefront. The intensity/focus of my mental acumen today has been quite exhausting particularly on the heals of a 2 day migraine.

Le Meaux.

Sleep. My dear dear friend, I am looking forward to you tonight. I hope for pleasant cohesive, ethereal dreams. Dreams of flying, which give me such joy. Dreams of complete absorption in a simple task. Dreams that make me laugh so hard I wake myself up doing so.  Dreams of problems solved.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


As is my preferred way of doing this...it is after 9pm and Thurston is sacked out in bed next to me. I find irony in the fact that just as I start to feel comfortable in my life, I find myself back on the precipice of change.  Tomorrow is my last shift at Twiggs.  This is a place I have felt warm and safe for nearly the last 3 years (of which working the last year and half).  I am distinctly aware of the fact that change breeds nervousness, anxiety, fear and sometimes grief. In leaving Twiggs to reestablish myself in accounting, I feel as though I have given over to the practical, pragmatic me that does not give a whit for the creative self that wants freedom, socialization, and unlimited possibilities that come from someplace besides an isolated office or cube, counting somebody else's representation of productivity. Then, I look at what some would consider my most enduring and meaningful creation. My son. I think how he isn't an early morning person, how he cries when we have to wake at 6.30am so I can drop him at school at 7.15am for me to be able to work at 7.30. I think of how he is joyful and eager to learn with just a simple extra hour of sleep on the days when we don't have the 6.30 wake up call. How we argue so much less when we have wiggle room with bed time. How our time together is more pleasant, creative and meaningful when neither of us are so tired and stuck to a strict timeline for our life.  Then the change seems appropriate, even justified.  I believe enough in myself and my skill set to believe I am capable to do the job I have been hired to do at Congregation Beth El. I fear leaving my friends, my surrogate family, the people whom I have entrusted some of my deepest personal stumbles and moments of intense happiness of the last 3 years. I am scared that I have given my love and friendship and that when gone, I will not be missed. I am at a loss of words to express how this small community stepped up to hold my hand, offer me work, and help me find purpose in the midst of personal upheaval and turmoil.  I shall always be grateful to those people at Twiggs who have helped me through such a challenging time in my life.

Amy...who actually gave me the job. A regular, in her shop, joking about how crappy the job market was for people in the finance industry. How joking can turn serious in about 30 seconds flat.

Jesse...who knows many people in my various communities (over time), held my hand, hugged me, and told me to be strong and when I struggled to remember how to be strong...told me to take from my anger to keep standing. In turn I tried to remind him that he is loved and valued as a whole person, but the funny thing is that every time I told him that, I heard it for myself as well.

Christy Lea...The most generous person I have ever met in my life. The person who helped me realize how to forge new close relationships after the devastating loss of Melanie to her tragic situation. She reminds me regularly how lucky I am. I am lucky and grateful to be able to count her as one of my closest friends.

Teresa...Although she recently has left Twiggs, she was there to offer a hug and sweet sincere words. The original gestures offered to a regular customer, turned into another close friendship at a time when I thought that kind of closeness was lost to me. I now miss her as well, as she has moved to another state to try to full fill her personal dreams. We communicate almost daily still.

Mitch...He took over as manager when Amy left. Amy's shoes were a challenge to fill. Although he is very different from Amy, he won me over the first time he asked for a hug. Mitch has time and time again in the last year proven to be a person that takes the time to look at a person and their life and give it consideration, rather than just simply a work unit/employee. He is generous, kind, intuitive. He has a funny sense of humor and a philosophical slant that I absolutely enjoy.  He and I can talk on various subjects and I never get bored or find myself wishing I was else where. He has been personally generous to me above and beyond the call of duty. In addition,  he has made a point of trying to have his own relationship with Thurston. More over, Thurston loves spending time with Mitch.  This gesture carries intensity of its own and cannot be denied in my mind.

Ian and Emily...I call them "the dream team" .  They are bakers in the back of the house, they feed off each other dynamically as they work several hours together in close quarters. Their silliness knows no bounds.  Their levity can change a day entirely for me.  Funny thing is that both of them have a serious side. They are both quite pensive individuals with opinions that I think they would usually prefer to keep to themselves. It was at the Twiggs Christmas party that I realized that I really liked Emily. I was watching her interact with her young daughter. It was that person I wanted to know. Slowly, with my usual prodding & nosiness,  Emily seems to be showing that person to me. I hope that this burgeoning friendship gets to continue. As to Ian...well he and I ...we have another commonality besides just Twiggs. He races under the Adams Ave. Bicycles flag. These communities in common make it even easier...add the fact that Ian obviously loves food, writes and has a sweet sometimes silly sense of humor. I feel a connection with him that I take delight in. In small gestures that I believe he isn't always aware of,  he demonstrates his thoughtfulness and kindness that I think all to many men these days, try to sublimate within themselves. I hope this piece of Ian never changes. I am hopeful for a lasting friendship with him.

Bernie and Dan...The ultimate thanks and gratitude lay with them. They own Twiggs.  If they hadn't taken some of the chances they have, this post would be pretty meaningless.  They provided the means with which all of these connections have been possible for me.  For this, I am always grateful.

There are others who have passed thru the doors at Twiggs, whether they are old employees or new employees, all have had impact on me and my experience in the last 3 years. I have friendships with Shaun, Marissa, Shanna, Victoria, and Dusty because of Twiggs employment. There are regulars who, because of living and working in this community, have become dear to me, and I am not sure where I would be without all of their friendships...Linda, Joe, Tony & Jen, Robert, Carlyn & Matt, Yvonne, Eric just to name a few.

This post has been written with my face flooded with tears. Although all of these people will still be here, it is me that once again chooses to change. In times past, my change has meant losing people. My fear has justification born of experiences in the last 3 years.

For any who read this and have known me for many years, this job has been like working at Jimbo's again. There is nothing in my life that I would ever change about having worked at Jimbo's. I worked there 22 years ago, and although none of us work there any longer, literally the people whom I call my BEST FRIENDS all are from that job. Diana. Daena. Chemynne. Blake. I could not imagine my life without these people. These four friendships have endured living in separate states, relationships, joys and tragedies.

Perhaps then I should have hope that these people that I have worked to forge a connection with at Twiggs will be among those very few I call my BEST in the next 20 years of my life. Love and blessings to all my friends whether old or new. Thank you for all that you have given to me.