Tuesday, February 28, 2012

24. maybe less.

I firmly believe that there are moments in time that are powerful. Magical even. I have a handful I can speak to in my life. It happened again to me. I am still, at Tuesday, trying to sort through that Friday night.

Honestly, it wasn't intended to be a complex day or night. I set out to get a few things done, and enjoy the day and night. I had a free pass for Friday night. Thurston was going to have a sleep over at Uncle Todd's. A first for them. Highly anticipated and quite the success.  I always have conflicted feelings about Thurston sleeping over at a family or friend's house. First I am excited, then worried, then excited, then not thinking about it, then by about 6am, I miss my little cuddle guy.  Selfishly...he generates a lot of heat and keeps me warm!

With Thurston at school and then off with Uncle Todd, my day and evening fell into place.  I had decided that I was attached to only one idea for the evening. I was bound and determined to enjoy nay savor every conversation that naturally presented itself.  With leaving Twiggs for an office job, I am feeling a bit starved for adult conversation. I make no apologies for it.  I do not want to sound rude, elitist, or mean, but I am not interested in speaking for any length of time with somebody who can not carry their own. That, I guess is a matter of education, opinion, confidence, even intelligence.  Even more elusive is the the nebulous undefinable quality of "connection."  As I write this I wonder what the hell this even means.  Connection.

I just looked it up. Not going to shed any light for me on this.  So as I was saying, I was going to let my ability to connect with people drive the evening, not time.  Well, I was lucky. I ended up meeting a person, whom, very quickly felt this elusive connection/repoire with.  If that was't enough, I got to go and see a friend perform, and visit with others I already have a known connection.

Later, although I wasn't looking for it, I was given a complement, when I think I needed it most. I had just hit the part of the evening when self-doubt sets in, and my friend walks up to me, and pays me a sweet compliment. It can be, if timed correctly, a powerful moment when somebody, unsolicited, tells you how they see you.  It was as if I had been given a $1000 poker chip paid in self esteem. It was as if for the first time in a long time the scales got tipped in the direction of healthy self esteem instead of self loathing. This person had no idea they even had done this.  But it was powerful none the less.  Maybe I finally heard what others have been trying to say to me, but until that moment falling on deaf ears.

As it would turn out, I needed it in the following hour. I once again saw Chris.  This time I owned my actions and was able to walk away. Not hurt, angry or even sad. Simply ok with  it all.  It is now in the past. A memory of a strange challenging time.  I am not sure I have ever felt as strong as I did in that moment. There is a piece of me that I own again. Chris didn't have it, as it turns out. All I know is that it was lost before him, but now I have it back.  I like having it back.  I don't remember when I last had this missing piece. But I have it back now. I have it back to stay.

No comments:

Post a Comment