Saturday, February 18, 2012

Hijacked Dream

Yesterday was an interesting day. Brought up by issues of love, love lost, attraction and attempting to move on.

In stating the obvious, change has been big in my life since getting my job at Beth El. This big change has made my dream world treacherous to traverse. Sleep hasn't come easy for the last 3 weeks. I dream of work and responsibilities which I do not find restful.  I have been waking up from these fitful dreams every 2-3 hours and having to fall back to sleep.  I don't feel as though I am getting deep sleep. The kind that feels good. The sleep that soothes the brain and its processes.

Yesterday had the making of a pleasant work day (at the bike shop).  About 2/3 of the way through my day, a twist got added. I ran into a gentleman who I am acquaintances with (we know many of the same people, live and work in the same neighborhood etc). Not going to lie. I find this man interesting and attractive. To make this story shorter, he gave me his phone number. I am terrible at this crap. I never know if it means something or absolutely nothing. I also have this tendency to go to black places with my self esteem with these situations. Really there is nothing more to say about this incident, other than it happened and it generated a great deal of thought for me.  I knew that this would have impact on my dreamworld, although I can never predict what the outcome will be.

Much later in the evening, Thurston and I got some take away dinner. I thought how nice it would be to take some to my friend Richie, who generally works pretty late on Friday nights at his own bike shop (Brooklyn Bikes on Adams Ave.).  So I did.  Unbeknownst to me, Chris was there.  That friendship never recovered from the intensity of our involvement. If you don't know who he is and/or who he is to me, ask me some other time. That probably tells you all you really need to know.

These two events were too much for my brain. I already had trouble falling asleep. When sleep finally came, I had a nebulous dream that I was at a bike shop (i am guessing it was Adams Ave. Bikes).  I was standing talking with the guy who, in real time, I had gotten a phone number from, but my view of him was obscured by the repair stand and the green bike in the stand. I knew for sure that it was this guy. Then while talking he comes from around the side of the bike, working on pedals, and it isn't him. It was Chris. I literally jumped back, got pissed off and woke up.

Chris fucking hijacked my dream. I am tired of him doing this to me. It took me another 2 hours to fall back to sleep. I keep telling myself that it is really not productive to dream of him, in hopes that it stops the dreams, but it just doesn't.  I want to dream of somebody else. Somebody else that doesn't represent so much pain and sadness. I am ready to dream about another and just let him go.

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