Tuesday, March 6, 2012


Control. Control is good. Control SUCKS.
I cannot stop my head from spinning.
Breathe. Breathe.
Not gonna happen. Not tonight, not for a while.
It is what it is.

Control. Always back to control.
What is it? What purpose does it serve?
Fuck if i know.
No. I know. I know all to well.
I want it
abandon it
all at the same time.

No control means the loss of everything of value.
What is the price to keep control?
The price is peace of mind.
Either way I am screwed.
If I give in,  more than likely  I will lose all of it.
If I don't I risk never having my intentions being known, probably lose all of it.


I seem to find myself paying a price in sleep, head spinning.
Then i vomit all over the page trying to sort my thoughts.
There is a reason why prescription drugs are so popular.
Life is painful.
Life is lonely
Life is disappointing.
Only to intoxicate you with hope and possibilities
just in the moment when you feel the most control.

the kind of control where you can be alone.
you make peace with the melancholy that comes with that control.
it is hope that courts spontaneity
it is hope that creates possibility
it is hope that creates lack of control

patience is really only control.
Days like this, I want to abandon all control.
Dive into the pool of hope.
Swim in it. Sleep in it.
Live in it.



1 comment:

  1. When I googled "control", this came up: the power to direct or determine.

    Nicole, you are powerful. You determine the course of your life - nothing and no one can deter you if you just buy in to your own power.

    Love you.