Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Day 2 is killing me

i cannot escape the overwhelming sense of dread. i am no pollyana. quite the opposite. i am, at my lightest and most humorous, sardonic and self deprecating. I prefer to wear black and gray. i find myself at times living with fear that manifests as unfocused anger. anger that is difficult to dispel. only to go back to this sense of dread. what i find comfort in is few and far between. i spend most of my time living in a land of heavy responsibility. i blame no one for that, except myself. so when i am presented with an opportunity for enjoyment, i cannot escape the dread feeling that it will be yanked from me before i even can get there, in turn crushing my spirit. too many times this has happened, so i am reluctant to embrace optimism to see it through. it is extremely sad and frustrating that what i do to support myself and my son does not bring me much joy or pleasure. opposed to, work i could immerse myself in completely. i seem unable to transform that piece of my life at this point. at times i really want somebody to tell me that it is all worth it. that it will all be ok. again, i have had to much experience in the past with having a partner never be able to tell me that. never to reassure me. although i do believe that we should be able to give that to ourselves, it is nice to have a bone thrown to us once in a while. it is life affirming. as if for a small moment somebody else really does care. day 2 is kicking my ass. even listening to langhorne slim station on pandora. it is barely lifting my spirits. the best i can say is that i continue to get up every day, and i keep trying. i will die trying. or just keep listening to this song till it kicks in.

http://youtu.be/OmtlqB0x

Well it's all right, riding around in the breeze
Well it's all right, if you live the life you please
Well it's all right, doing the best you can
Well it's all right, as long as you lend a hand 

You can sit around and wait for the phone to ring
Waiting for someone to tell you everything
Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring
Maybe a diamond ring
Well it's all right, even if they say you're wrong
Well it's all right, sometimes you gotta be strong
Well it's all right, as long as you got somewhere to lay
Well it's all right, everyday is judgement day 

Maybe somewhere down the road aways
Youll think of me, and wonder where I am these days
Maybe somewhere down the road when somebody plays
Purple haze
Well it's all right, even when push comes to shove
Well it's all right, if you got someone to love
Well it's all right, everythingll work out fine
Well it's all right, were going to the end of the line
Don't have to be ashamed of the car I drive
Im just glad to be here, happy to be alive
It don't matter if you're by my side
Im satisfied
Well it's all right, even if you're old and grey
Well it's all right, you still got something to say
Well it's all right, remember to live and let live
Well it's all right, the best you can do is forgive
Well it's all right, riding around in the breeze
Well it's all right, if you live the life you please
Well it's all right, even if the sun don't shine
Well it's all right, were going to the end of the line 

- the traveling wilburys

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