Wednesday, March 14, 2012

i am

i really dislike struggling to breath.
it spikes my anxiety and makes me short tempered.
i am more likely to be less patient with thurston.
i wish i could say that i am eager for sleep, but i can't lay down as i start wheezing severely.
i have not had an asthma episode like this for 3 or more years.

i feel lack luster.
i have spent much of the day fighting off tears.
i hate crying in public and when at twiggs today ian put his hand on my arm, i couldn't stop the tears.
crying only makes it worse.
i have become accustomed to a lack of human touch.
i cried anyways.

i know that i am not alone.
i know that i am not a horrible fuck up.
but that is how i feel much of the time.
that i just can't ever seem to get it right.
i try so hard.
yet i just hear being told "you try too hard" by another.

patience, control, restraint.
patience, control, restraint.
patience, control, restraint.
patience, control, restraint.

i have been plagued with thoughts i hoped i had been able to dispel.
apparently not.
be positive. try to be positive. fake the positive.
don't put negative thoughts out there.
i try so hard not to think them.
then i just end up in that head space.

it is ironic that when i try to stop the thoughts my breathing become so belabored
yet when i think of funerals my chest opens up, air gets in and calm happens.
but it is just for a brief minute.
these are not what i am supposed to think.
these are not what i should think.
probably could insert cheap trick's dream police song here.

i debate for hours whether or not to even write this.
but this MY BLOG. i can write whatever the fuck i want.
i feel convinced these days that many must think of me as nuts.
if you do, then you don't know me, really.
i am impulsive
i feel regret and shame when i act upon it.

i am this person. i work to remember the best of these traits instead of the worst.
i would give the shirt off my back for somebody.
i am impulsive
i am smart
i am analytical
i am raw
i am sensitive
i am emotional
i am passionate
i am tactile
i am loving
i am forgiving
i am creative
i am unfulfilled
i am seeking
i am intense
i am spiritual
i am ritualistic
i lean towards hedonism
i am anxious
i am imaginative

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