Sunday, March 25, 2012

A letter I haven't been able to write

Dear Mamalene,
Nary a day goes by that I don't think of you.
I am once again trying to write a letter to you.
Maybe now I have the strength through my tears and trials
to write you.

I admittedly am trying again because of conversations of death with my friend the last couple of days.
Already in tears tonight, so what is a little more dampness, right?
(I hear you once again telling me how strange it was that I got all the Jewishness for our family)

I miss you horribly.
I have needed you so badly the last three years.
I could have used your wisdom and experience.
Only you in our strange yet loving family lived as I have now chosen.

Your great grandson is so beautiful.
He amazes me every day.
His love.
His compassion.
His humor.
He even knows he is Jewish now.
And occasionally uses a Yiddish word.
with the guttural "ch" right.
Sometimes even posesses your capibility for painful truth coupled with delightful indulgence of silliness.
It is a great sadness that I carry that you never got to meet him.

You asked me before you died to promise to watch over your  son.
I am struggling with that task.
I am so sorry for letting you down.
Daddy and I love each other, but have been at odds for several months now.
I will keep trying because i promised you. and because i love him.
Please forgive me for my failings in this task.

If I close my eyes I can
taste the crackers with swiss cheese and pickles and a glass of wine
I can almost still hear your voice, but it is faint.
I can almost become a child again sitting in the monte carlo
laughing with you
the turkey tamale pie
the crab louie
and those small rock shrimp you loved.
even the vodka and orange juice.
the wonderful indulgence of letting me watch old black and white movies over and over.

So clearly I see the interior for the apartment on Evergreen Terrace.
And the modern fireplace you had.
all our dates.
the tinkerbell cup with the built in straw.
you used to let me blow bubbles in my milk.

I don't know that I can write more.
i can barely see the monitor.
I love you so much.
I miss you so much.
You live in my heart and mind forever.

It is not your yahrzeit yet but you know I have never been conventional.

Yitgadal veyitkadash shemei raba be'alma di vera chir'utei,
veyamlich malchutei bechayechon uveyomeichon uvechayei
dechol beit Yisrael, ba'agala uvizman kariv, ve'imeru Amen.
Yehei shemei raba mevarach le'alam ule'almei almaya
Yitbarach veyishtaback veyitpa'ar veyitroman, veyitnasei,
veyithadar, veyitaleh, veyithala shemai dekudesha, berich hu,
le'ela min kol birechata veshirata, tushbechata
venechemata da'amiran be'alma, ve'imeru Amen.
Yehei shelama raba min shemaya vechayim, aleinu ve'alkol
Yisrael, veimeru Amen.
Oseh shalom bimromav, hu ya'seh shalom aleinu ve'al
kol Yisrael, ve'imeru Amen.





Your eternally loving Granddaughter,
Nicole

1 comment:

  1. What a gorgeous woman she was...you are like her!

    As I read this, through my tears, I am aware that my own grandmother would have been 101 today. Sometimes I know she is still here, and sometimes she seems so very far away.

    I love you...I haven't checked my blog list in months....am catching up today.

    ReplyDelete