Friday, March 30, 2012

stardate -310755.7188891419 (simply a life update)

This post is mostly an update of life for those radiating out from the center of my universe, San Diego. Those that I don't always get the luxury of talking to on a regular basis...  Life continues on and the pace just seems to keep on. Change seems to be constantly afoot.  I am currently sitting at Twiggs, had breakfast, which I would have preferred Ian to cook, but Tony does fine.  Still prefer the mushroom omelet from Ian, sigh.  I digress.  I am listening to a mix of music on my ipod called "messed mental mix."

Mostly of the last couple of weeks, LOTS OF WORK. It is a good thing, but makes me a bit of a nutter as I get close to the end of it.  Again the challenge of learning how to manage life with Thurston and the drive to work all night actually creates more work.  I haven't had too many dreams of late, as I am just plain tired by the end of the day.  I dreamed of chickens last night. And not in a good way either. I woke up a little disturbed and wishing that I could go back to sleep for another couple of hours.

My work at Congregation Beth El is continuing to expand. I like the people I work with, I dislike the mania/drama that surrounds the work.  That will change in time as I get more definitive processes in place that  will in turn, create a sense of stability and continuity for me and my coworkers.  I never ever knew how much drama there could be.  My family thinks I am drama, hold on to your hats folks...very wealthy Jewish congregants are SO DRAMA. It makes me look damn near stoic.  It is a twist on the silliness known as my life.

I continue to be the wendy bird at Adams Ave Bicycles. It still remains the tribe of lost boys. We recently incorporated the team that we have, and I am quite excited that I will be doing the books for the team.  We have (had...olympic now) a junior world champion on our team (Jen Valente) and besides it is this kind of work that makes me happy and feel like I make a small contribution to something fun, different and in its own small way, important.  Besides I know so many people who do race under this flag, it is feels good to support them in a way that I am knowledgeable.  That was apparent at the first board meeting and several of the guys were so enthusiastic in wanting me to handle a variety of work for the team.  Some of these guys are pretty acerbic in their manner, style and words, so it was a huge compliment to me.

I realized recently that I have been in weekly sessions of therapy for a year solid.  The work has been intense and very hard. The progress, well frankly amazing.  The head space that I am in now verses where I was a year ago is remarkable.  I still have extreme rounds of anxiety, I still over analyze everything, I am still drama.  The difference is that I am learning how to not act on all of it.  Trying to respect my feelings, yet temper them, if only by waiting to have reaction/action even if only by 10 minutes.  I am learning control, patience, and restraint.  This is really hard, when many of my behaviors are in reality a form of compulsion. When I do feel like I need to act, I at least try to have a level of honesty about it, and not feel shame for having taken the action.  I also have realized that I don't hate myself as much as I once did.  This is the newest iceberg to start to crack and melt.  I still am fearful of sounding arrogant or having no humility.  I struggle with understanding that you can live without the extremes of this, but I really have only seen the extremes in mostly others and in myself.  I have been examining much about my patterns in relationships with people, and the reasons for those choices.  Again, this work is really hard for me.  I may have a bad day or a bad week, but I get up every day and try again.  I think this stuff is pretty evident in much of the writing that you see here on the blog.

The part perhaps you were all waiting for on baited breathe!!!!  Thurston.  Thurston is doing quite well.  In fact today is the last day of school before we have a four week break.  Thurston's school is year round.  Kindergarten has been a mixed bag. He is doing quite well behaviorally. He makes friends pretty easily.  He is learning to read, basic math etc.  Unfortunately, i recently tried to get him into a private school (that I went to) and as part of the application process they had to do an academic assessment.  It was awful.  He basically failed it.  I know that sounds harsh, but I know no kinder way to put it.  I have sheltered Thurston from the knowledge of this, but I found it devastating.  I feel as though I have failed him. My sisters, who are reading this, know that they have tried to comfort me, give me sound advice regarding education, appropriate developmental levels, the test is not reflective of cognitive abilities etc.  In some ways that does help.  I recently entered into a conversation with yet another private school here in town, and actually discussed having Thurston repeat kindergarten.  I am terrified of him moving forward without the fundamental skills that are needed for the rest of his educational process.  To actually admit that was hard and humiliating. I know that I should not feel that way, but I do.  I am ashamed of the fact that I am that prideful.  My child is an extension of myself still.  I know that separation must occur at some point, but it hasn't happened yet.  It feels as if it is another failure on me in my life.  Even writing this is painful. I have such a smart child, yet he is not excelling in this arena where in theory he should.  I am not really sure why I did as well as I did academically.  I also don't have it in me to do what my parents did to me.  It was so structured and rigid in so many ways. I want Thurston to be more well rounded and adaptable than I am.  Well, all of this with Thurston's education is very much in process.  I will update as I have more information.

You have been quite tolerant with the long update. I don't really write on the blog a lot this way, but well, I feel like writing. I have some really heavy writing that will eventually make it up, but not ready yet for it to be seen. last thing....Been thinking a lot about this lately...If I have told you that I love you. I am telling it to you again right now. When I tell somebody that I love them, it is forever.  Even if we have quarreled and don't speak again, I still love you. In my heart love is transcendent. It is not about sex, or relationships or marriage. Every person whom I have told that I love has a piece of my heart eternally. With that said. I love you.


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