Sunday, April 29, 2012

New post on Nocturnal Comfort Device

Good times.  Nightmares and sleepwalking have made a return to my night time activities.  I would prefer other activities to these, but apparently my subconscious does not deem it so.  Come on subconscious...I will take a dream where I wake myself up laughing over this...or even a good sex dream.  Well, such is life.  Still trying to figure these ones out. Also hoping that there is not a serious return of sleepwalking to my life.  As I live alone (with young child), worried about this one. May have to put a chair in front of the front door as protection.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Another Privacy Issue

I have started after a long hiatus posting on my blog "Nocturnal Comfort Device" again.  Yesterday after having extremely little to no activity, I got 23 hits.  All from Saudi Arabia and India.  I am suspect of this activity, given the last time I saw an increase in activity like this.  I have made the blog private and you have to be added/invited  to see it now.  If you are reading this entry, then I probably have added you to that blog as well.  If you can't get on, then email, text me, call me, facebook me...I will add you.  I am not sure why this freaks me out so much.  I just don't want my blogs being used for suspect reasons.  Maybe I am paranoid?

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Break thru?

I started this week deep in a state of melancholy.  I have had some respite from it, but struggle to shake it off entirely.  I even had a two hour therapy session on Monday with a level of break through that has left me quite pensive.  Perhaps ultimately I am confusing my thought process with a sense of melancholy. Maybe not though.

As I said, therapy was intense.  My therapist was finally able to verbalize something she had been observing, but struggling to express  in a clear and concise manner.  Basically what she has been trying to figure out how to express...

According to her, I am a perceptive person. A very smart person. An analytic person.  I do not disagree with her on these points.  She went on to say that she has observed that I do become focused on meaning within relationships.  Seeking out greater meaning in words and actions or even inaction of a friend/lover.  I wish I could disagree with her on this, but I know this to be true.  I try to assign meaning to the most trivial of details within my relationships with friends or lovers, men or women.  Certainly situations with certain men will create an insecure mental environment for me and then I attempt even harder to understand all nuances in that situation.

I have been thinking about this quite a bit since we had the conversation.  I have been trying to figure out where this behavior started.  I know that this behavior sits with me, but what situations have honed this over analytic behavior in me?  If I can figure out how it started, maybe I can make peace with it, and start new.  I get that a lot of my relationships with men have basis from the relationship with my father.  I believe in some ways this level of focus on nuance and detail indeed started in this place.  My Dad has this remarkable ability to turn of his emotion.  Most of my friends who met my Dad all would describe him as serious.  He doesn't really leave that serious emotional land very often.  Growing up, especially as a teenager,  I was always trying to get a read on him.  See if maybe the funny, silly Dad might surface.  How far deep was the Dad that I called "Daddy?"

Then I married Jay.  The most emotionally removed and verbally uncommunicative man I have ever met.  Jay really refined many of those skills needed to read and understand non verbal communication.  To survive and try to make the marriage work, I had to become very adept at reading subtleties.  Then came Chris.  His words and actions/body language didn't match.  Insert...this is the point where I start to think that I am going insane and don't trust anything I see.  Then I go even deeper analyzing every action and inaction.

It all MUST mean something.  Something besides the blackest of thoughts I have about how that person sees me at ugly, fat, stupid, or a fool.  I have to glean some understanding for situations that have become complete unknowns.  It must mean something.  I can figure this out.  If I just apply myself and reject ego and insecurity.

Well, I guess now, with my Therapist's help, realizing that yes there is meaning.  But I don't always know, or need to know what that meaning is.  For example, I do not need to figure out what it means if a person takes 6 hours to respond to a text. Or that there is meaning when I go for over 24 hours and receive NO communication from anybody, including family.  There is not always the deeper uglier meaning.

The struggle I have is battling the self spoken negative statement that gets feed in to that space.  I just keep repeating in my head that I don't need to know any deeper meaning.  That most people do not operate on a basis of deeper meaning.  Again, I have to insert at this point....I am envious of those people.  To be able to go through life not giving a crap about unreturned texts or phone calls.  I do all of this to myself.  It isn't Jay or Chris' fault that this has become a coping mechanism for me.  It is up to me to be strong enough to fight this mental game of hopscotch.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

bourgeois melancholy

I infinitely prefer the anxiety, insomnia and elation to the loneliness, boredom and melancholy that currently have hold of my brain. I wish I could be more positive and upbeat.  Just not feeling it.  I have a beautiful child, a kitchen full of food, and my health is good. I get it. My unhappiness is so bourgeois.  Is my emotional response to my life still valid even if the plight of the bourgeois?

Thursday, April 12, 2012

the curtain

Not much to say tonight i suppose.
I am deep in my head and thought processes.
Trying to sort out reality, fantasy and illusion.
Missing people. Although I have no reason to feel lonely this evening, I do a bit.
Tomorrow is a new day.  Perhaps sleep will help to sort the conflicting challenging thoughts.
It is hard to change your perspective. I find myself fighting a battle to go back to what is unhealthy, simply because it is known and comfortable in some ways.
I can be better than that. I want to be better than that.
Anxiety has been less in the last 24 hours.
Retreating into my mental fantasy gives comfort.  It is a place where I can have control, even though it is not real.  Just for a half hour, life looks and feels a way that I wish it was behind the curtain of my eye lids.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

warning: issues with anger? then this post isn't for you, as i am angry at the moment.

04/07/2012 1.28am

I am resorting to listening to dillinger four "civil war"
the music i will scream when i can't think of anything else to do to make the anger go away.

i worked.
i wrote. wrote a lot. with as much consciousness as i could muster.
wrote with honesty and honor
i summoned a huge amount of courage to give the writing of such an intimate nature.
it was a bust. unsure as to when the document can be given.
i am no where closer to any kind of resolution.
should i read meaning into this?
i move towards anger. i wear it like a sweater.
i am angry at the universe. can i have a moment of relief from trying learning processes?
mentally, i am living in limbo.
limbo constructed of ambiguity, confusion and looking in the maw of awful negative interpretation of actions that I simply have no way to know what it means. if there is even any meaning to glean from the actions.

working to control the anger and frustration.
living in the forefront of my brain.
do not react. do nothing that is impulsive.
utilize restraint, even though in some ways it feels like a lie.

i had a beer.
i celebrated a friend's birthday
i spent time with another friend talking of the ocd intricacies of life

i tried to just be

no where near what the fantasy was
no where near what the painful was to be
the anger wasn't supposed to live here today and
definitely not tonight.

i am alone.
tonight i miss having an adult in my bed.
i am angry
i am frustrated
i want to get laid
it has been way too long.
problem...just can't bring myself to have a drunk meaningless fuck.

to honest?
don't like it?
then fuck off.
you probably have had sex more recently than me anyways.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

magic nature sex

san diego canyon
late spring day
santa ana winds
tall sweet grass
pink flannel blanket
resting under trees
plant dreaming deep
laying on chest
eyes half closed
eucalyptus saturates air
hand on hand
body on body
skin on skin
earth swallows us
all i hear
breathing and birds
body is here
brain is here
live here forever
do not stop
slow in suspension
hands on back
arching into joy
warm wind blows
sweat evaporates sweetly
laughing into shoulder
face in hair
breathing in deeply
smell of sex
happiness of moment
quiet life resumes
magic is real

Sunday, April 1, 2012


So this post is unsure. It is not poetic. It is not even really rational, I suppose.  If you read facebook tonight, I am tired, anxious, on the verge of tears and even a little pissed off.  There is so much and nothing that can drive this in me. It is usually in these moments that I do really stupid things that I consider impulsive and then feel shame for the next day.  Well, I haven't really done that today. I have tried to stay on point and get crap done. I am always trying to figure out where these black moods start and how they can end.  I didn't really sleep well last night, and to make it worse, overstimulated and could not stop thinking about a music mix that I have been trying to work on for a while now.  The mix started out for nobody but for myself, but then the other day Anthony at AAB and I were talking about music and realized how much we enjoyed the same kinds of music. He was so awesome and made a rad mix of music and even put it on my ipod for me. I was blown away.  I knew that I wanted to get this wacky set of music to him as well.  That was going to be the one "free" thing I would get to do today. If I have ever given any of you a birthday music cd, know that I put a lot of time and thought into them. I have gone sideways here...anyways, the reality is that today has been productive, but my mind has slipped and gone sideways on me. At some point my focus became anxious intensity. it did not matter whom i spoke with, all carried secret meaning that I could only glean negative from. My old operating behavior would have been to apologize to any and all people that I was in communication with. well lucky for me, or maybe not so lucky, i was in communication with only one person really this afternoon/evening. I tried to keep my communication honest, even if looking at it after the fact seemed to carry more drama than I might have wanted (note i did not say intended).  There is no long or short to this. There is no happy epiphany that comes with this story. I pulled myself away from work. Ate some food. Watched some tv. Was all emo on facebook. Took some tylenol to try to help on some small level. I was able to bring it back down a little bit. I am still very unsure. Unsure if apologies are necessary. I feel like I should, but I believe is simply the compulsion behavior talking, but still feeling unsure. Unsure if I will be able to sleep any better tonight. Unsure as to whether I will listen to the negative banter in my head or the positive banter. Unsure. Some of this is cryptic i realize, but that is how it works sometimes. My hopes are that the person I was speaking with  gets the opportunity to read this and maybe understand my head space. Even if it doesn't seem particularly logical. Even then I am unsure and then i turn fearful. Unsure sucks in this moment. At least in putting this jumble down, I feel my eyelids start to have a heaviness. The standard jazz station also helps especially when they play Brazilian jazz.