Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Break thru?

I started this week deep in a state of melancholy.  I have had some respite from it, but struggle to shake it off entirely.  I even had a two hour therapy session on Monday with a level of break through that has left me quite pensive.  Perhaps ultimately I am confusing my thought process with a sense of melancholy. Maybe not though.

As I said, therapy was intense.  My therapist was finally able to verbalize something she had been observing, but struggling to express  in a clear and concise manner.  Basically what she has been trying to figure out how to express...

According to her, I am a perceptive person. A very smart person. An analytic person.  I do not disagree with her on these points.  She went on to say that she has observed that I do become focused on meaning within relationships.  Seeking out greater meaning in words and actions or even inaction of a friend/lover.  I wish I could disagree with her on this, but I know this to be true.  I try to assign meaning to the most trivial of details within my relationships with friends or lovers, men or women.  Certainly situations with certain men will create an insecure mental environment for me and then I attempt even harder to understand all nuances in that situation.

I have been thinking about this quite a bit since we had the conversation.  I have been trying to figure out where this behavior started.  I know that this behavior sits with me, but what situations have honed this over analytic behavior in me?  If I can figure out how it started, maybe I can make peace with it, and start new.  I get that a lot of my relationships with men have basis from the relationship with my father.  I believe in some ways this level of focus on nuance and detail indeed started in this place.  My Dad has this remarkable ability to turn of his emotion.  Most of my friends who met my Dad all would describe him as serious.  He doesn't really leave that serious emotional land very often.  Growing up, especially as a teenager,  I was always trying to get a read on him.  See if maybe the funny, silly Dad might surface.  How far deep was the Dad that I called "Daddy?"

Then I married Jay.  The most emotionally removed and verbally uncommunicative man I have ever met.  Jay really refined many of those skills needed to read and understand non verbal communication.  To survive and try to make the marriage work, I had to become very adept at reading subtleties.  Then came Chris.  His words and actions/body language didn't match.  Insert...this is the point where I start to think that I am going insane and don't trust anything I see.  Then I go even deeper analyzing every action and inaction.

It all MUST mean something.  Something besides the blackest of thoughts I have about how that person sees me at ugly, fat, stupid, or a fool.  I have to glean some understanding for situations that have become complete unknowns.  It must mean something.  I can figure this out.  If I just apply myself and reject ego and insecurity.

Well, I guess now, with my Therapist's help, realizing that yes there is meaning.  But I don't always know, or need to know what that meaning is.  For example, I do not need to figure out what it means if a person takes 6 hours to respond to a text. Or that there is meaning when I go for over 24 hours and receive NO communication from anybody, including family.  There is not always the deeper uglier meaning.

The struggle I have is battling the self spoken negative statement that gets feed in to that space.  I just keep repeating in my head that I don't need to know any deeper meaning.  That most people do not operate on a basis of deeper meaning.  Again, I have to insert at this point....I am envious of those people.  To be able to go through life not giving a crap about unreturned texts or phone calls.  I do all of this to myself.  It isn't Jay or Chris' fault that this has become a coping mechanism for me.  It is up to me to be strong enough to fight this mental game of hopscotch.

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