Sunday, April 1, 2012

Unsure

So this post is unsure. It is not poetic. It is not even really rational, I suppose.  If you read facebook tonight, I am tired, anxious, on the verge of tears and even a little pissed off.  There is so much and nothing that can drive this in me. It is usually in these moments that I do really stupid things that I consider impulsive and then feel shame for the next day.  Well, I haven't really done that today. I have tried to stay on point and get crap done. I am always trying to figure out where these black moods start and how they can end.  I didn't really sleep well last night, and to make it worse, overstimulated and could not stop thinking about a music mix that I have been trying to work on for a while now.  The mix started out for nobody but for myself, but then the other day Anthony at AAB and I were talking about music and realized how much we enjoyed the same kinds of music. He was so awesome and made a rad mix of music and even put it on my ipod for me. I was blown away.  I knew that I wanted to get this wacky set of music to him as well.  That was going to be the one "free" thing I would get to do today. If I have ever given any of you a birthday music cd, know that I put a lot of time and thought into them. I have gone sideways here...anyways, the reality is that today has been productive, but my mind has slipped and gone sideways on me. At some point my focus became anxious intensity. it did not matter whom i spoke with, all carried secret meaning that I could only glean negative from. My old operating behavior would have been to apologize to any and all people that I was in communication with. well lucky for me, or maybe not so lucky, i was in communication with only one person really this afternoon/evening. I tried to keep my communication honest, even if looking at it after the fact seemed to carry more drama than I might have wanted (note i did not say intended).  There is no long or short to this. There is no happy epiphany that comes with this story. I pulled myself away from work. Ate some food. Watched some tv. Was all emo on facebook. Took some tylenol to try to help on some small level. I was able to bring it back down a little bit. I am still very unsure. Unsure if apologies are necessary. I feel like I should, but I believe is simply the compulsion behavior talking, but still feeling unsure. Unsure if I will be able to sleep any better tonight. Unsure as to whether I will listen to the negative banter in my head or the positive banter. Unsure. Some of this is cryptic i realize, but that is how it works sometimes. My hopes are that the person I was speaking with  gets the opportunity to read this and maybe understand my head space. Even if it doesn't seem particularly logical. Even then I am unsure and then i turn fearful. Unsure sucks in this moment. At least in putting this jumble down, I feel my eyelids start to have a heaviness. The standard jazz station also helps especially when they play Brazilian jazz.

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