Saturday, April 7, 2012

warning: issues with anger? then this post isn't for you, as i am angry at the moment.

04/07/2012 1.28am

I am resorting to listening to dillinger four "civil war"
the music i will scream when i can't think of anything else to do to make the anger go away.

i worked.
i wrote. wrote a lot. with as much consciousness as i could muster.
wrote with honesty and honor
i summoned a huge amount of courage to give the writing of such an intimate nature.
it was a bust. unsure as to when the document can be given.
i am no where closer to any kind of resolution.
should i read meaning into this?
i move towards anger. i wear it like a sweater.
i am angry at the universe. can i have a moment of relief from trying learning processes?
mentally, i am living in limbo.
limbo constructed of ambiguity, confusion and looking in the maw of awful negative interpretation of actions that I simply have no way to know what it means. if there is even any meaning to glean from the actions.

working to control the anger and frustration.
living in the forefront of my brain.
do not react. do nothing that is impulsive.
utilize restraint, even though in some ways it feels like a lie.

i had a beer.
i celebrated a friend's birthday
i spent time with another friend talking of the ocd intricacies of life

i tried to just be

no where near what the fantasy was
no where near what the painful was to be
the anger wasn't supposed to live here today and
definitely not tonight.

i am alone.
tonight i miss having an adult in my bed.
i am angry
i am frustrated
i want to get laid
it has been way too long.
problem...just can't bring myself to have a drunk meaningless fuck.

to honest?
don't like it?
then fuck off.
you probably have had sex more recently than me anyways.

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