Friday, May 25, 2012

Morning Light

i wake.
this time i slept a few hours.
the beginning of the may gray light creeps in through the barely open window with the late spring cool breeze.
the cool breeze floating over my shoulders takes me to an early morning in kauai.
if i close my eyes i can pretend.
pretend for a scant moment that the breeze is coming in off the water.
pretend the distant traffic is really the sound of the pounding surf.

then i hear a motorcycle or a garbage truck.
my imagination is more adept at this time rather than at night,
when the neighborhood ambient noise is greater.

when i cannot bend my mind to my whimsical will, the ipod goes on.
a different version of my invented reality comes online.
i think of my day.
i think of my problems
i think of my possibilities.

i cover Thurston with a blanket
he has taken to sleeping with no shirt on.
he really is a little man now.

i work to not spin about the interactions  of the previous day&night.
i remind myself of the worst case scenario
which i have already lived through.

this morning i battle my fear again.
despite much to look forward to.
fear derived from trying to read negative meaning in irrelevant details.
i have already lived the worst case scenario.
i do not need to know if there is any meaning.
i can choose to look at what is more concrete rather than the inferred and esoteric.

this may gray holds patience.
this may gray holds control.
this may gray holds restraint.
this may gray burns off
shining into a lucid night.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Kicked to the Curb

Presented with new.
Presented with different.
Presented with a moment of bliss.
Presented with deep seated fear.

Where does this fear start?
Will I never know this kind of moment again?
Will I never know this kind of moment again because of actions in my past?
Will I never know this kind of moment again because of my great failings as a person?
To taste it then it is gone as some great cosmic punishment?

Is it possible for somebody to actually enjoy time with me?
Just me, and not what I can do for them?
Support them?
Save them?
Take care of them?

So much fear to take that giant step away from that curb of a paradigm that the only redeeming value I have to another human is only for the day to day tangibles I know I can provide.  At least in that paradigm, I know I am needed and i won't be left.

Don't be quick to judge.  We all have some of these deep seated issues. I just happen to process through my thoughts on them in a forum that is semi public.  Also don't be quick to judge that I can't be alone.  To be alone is actually quite easy. This isn't about being alone but rather not being alone, allowing myself to open up to somebody and letting them in to the degree that I would trust them enough to allow myself to lean on them if needed.  We all know that I would sooner chew off my arm than ask for help and support.  But that too has been changing.  I am trying to trust that people can and want to be there for me, and I am not a failure to ask for it.

I wonder where my fear of abandonment comes from?
I wonder where my lack of intimate, soul shaking trust in others stems from?
I wonder if I will ever be able to figure that out?

I have put my foot out and stepped down off the curb and trying to simply walk away.

Monday, May 21, 2012


For years I dreamed of a Sunday. The kind of Sunday that isn't rushed. A Sunday that is full of definite plans but not written in stone.  The kind of Sunday that is full of sunlight and a reasonable cool breeze.  A Sunday where I am not worried, bored, tired or spun out on life.  I am not sure I remember the last time I had a Sunday of that caliber.

I did yesterday.

For about 8 hours my parents were good enough to watch Thurston, and for a while, I was simply me.  Not Mama. Not Responsible Worker. Not the person who allows herself to put so many things before her own happiness.  Magically,  I did not feel guilt/pain/shame for thinking of myself first.  I did not feel the need to have to check for texts, facebook or phone calls. I had no need. Felt quite full filled. I knew I was missing nothing, as everything that was to be most important, I was already there for.

I was in the moment. I was with a friend and felt as if he wanted to be there laughing with me too. I was there listening and laughing with him instead of listening to the usual battle of insecurities and venom that go at it in my head.  There was no rushing anyplace or rushing through any conversation. Even the occasional silence was not rushed.

This might have been one of those rare moments for me when I just was. I was in the moment. I was mindful. I had no place else I wanted to be. I was not thinking 10 steps ahead. Trying to figure out other plans. If anything good like this might happen again.  Only once did I make mention of Monday, and he reminded me that I could deal with Monday then.  I was grateful for the gentle reminder.

There were even some fears that tried to creep  in at one point, but i kept them at bay.
I told them that they too needed a rest.

My Sunday blew me away. I didn't think those kind of days were available to me anymore. I need to remember I choose to carry around the intense sense of responsibility that I do.  I need to remember I can put that rucksack down from time to time and I will be better for it.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

three ring circus

I am working ridiculously hard to not spin out into my three ring circus.
I can do this.  I can be presented with something amazing and not destroy it.
I can do this.

I can be strong enough to believe in myself.

I don't have to give into the temptations of running through all the hateful things ever told to me or that i have told to myself. I just don't. 

This just might end up being ok.
Even better than ok.
I could think about walking at the beach.
I could think about laughing.
I could think about nervousness and the silly things done to combat it.
The smell of ginger and sugar.

There is only one first date.
There is only one first kiss.

The circus I feel in my head and stomach
will leave given enough time.

I want to just enjoy my own personal circus and the humor that comes from it
rather than the negative disbelief that it has the power to generate.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

When my reality is all that remains.

Yesterday took a turn that I could not have ever predicted.  I was solid.  Good even.  My weekend had been a mentally peaceful one. So many  concepts that I have been struggling to grasp in my head and thought processes actually came easier this weekend. I went into Monday knowing it had the potential to be a bit of a wacky day, only as my scheduling was mixed up a bit, but nothing I couldn't handle.  In fact, I felt for a moment, I could handle being a single working mom.
Then, everything got turned upside down.  Chris came into the bike shop.  He came in drunk. This I could live with.  Although we have been speaking of late, most of his barriers have remained firmly in tact.  I figured, in that moment, that had not changed. But it had.

After a period of time, he came to talk to me in the office, alone. The office where I fell in love with him. The office where he had attempted 3 years ago to let me into his tortured existence.  He came back into the office to let me in again.

This time.
This time, I am so much stronger.
This time, there was an unveiled cry for help from him.
This time I do not know how to help except to listen and love.
This time I have boundaries and know how to keep them.
This time I am clear about my priorities.

In the end, I watched literally a room full of people who know Chris side step him. I get that he was drunk. I get that it is uncomfortable. Yet none of them offered any basic assistance. He needed to get home.  I made sure that he got home.  I would not let him get into a car and drive in this state.  Same goes for a bike. Yet nobody moved to stop him, except me.  To my knowledge there was only one person in the crowd who had justification to walk away, and it is not mine to discuss.

After I dropped him home, I came back to the shop. People started giving me a hard time in lieu of Chris. I turned to them and said, I step up when a friend is in need. And yes. HE IS MY FRIEND. Good, bad, sober, drunk.  They then changed their tune, telling me that I am a better person than them.  I wasn't looking for accolades. I really didn't want any comments, good or bad.

I know that I can't cure what ails him.  But I can make sure that he doesn't hurt himself or an innocent in the process of trying to figure out how to help himself.  I am remarkably angry at this lack of concern for somebody in our community.  Or even the greater good of the community and not having somebody drunk in control of a vehicle.  Being angry or harsh words do no good in that moment.  They are to be for another time.  That moment was clear. Safety for the individual and others.

It wasn't easy. It wasn't perfect. It definitely isn't pretty. Chris can be hard, abrasive, challenging and yes, even cruel at times.  I have been lucky to see the beauty that lives there too.  Does all of this mean that I turn my back on him, in that moment, when he said he wants help?  I do not know if anything will come of a single moment when somebody says they want help. Maybe, he just needed to tell somebody who will remember. I also have to grasp the concept that there maybe no deeper meaning to his statements.  I have no way to control or predict how this will turn out.  I can't always be there to take Chris home when he gets drunk.  I can only hope this person whom I have loved and in many ways still love figures out how to set himself free.