Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Kicked to the Curb

Presented with new.
Presented with different.
Presented with a moment of bliss.
Presented with deep seated fear.

Where does this fear start?
Will I never know this kind of moment again?
Will I never know this kind of moment again because of actions in my past?
Will I never know this kind of moment again because of my great failings as a person?
To taste it then it is gone as some great cosmic punishment?

Is it possible for somebody to actually enjoy time with me?
Just me, and not what I can do for them?
Support them?
Save them?
Take care of them?

So much fear to take that giant step away from that curb of a paradigm that the only redeeming value I have to another human is only for the day to day tangibles I know I can provide.  At least in that paradigm, I know I am needed and i won't be left.

Don't be quick to judge.  We all have some of these deep seated issues. I just happen to process through my thoughts on them in a forum that is semi public.  Also don't be quick to judge that I can't be alone.  To be alone is actually quite easy. This isn't about being alone but rather not being alone, allowing myself to open up to somebody and letting them in to the degree that I would trust them enough to allow myself to lean on them if needed.  We all know that I would sooner chew off my arm than ask for help and support.  But that too has been changing.  I am trying to trust that people can and want to be there for me, and I am not a failure to ask for it.

I wonder where my fear of abandonment comes from?
I wonder where my lack of intimate, soul shaking trust in others stems from?
I wonder if I will ever be able to figure that out?

I have put my foot out and stepped down off the curb and trying to simply walk away.

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