this time i slept a few hours.
the beginning of the may gray light creeps in through the barely open window with the late spring cool breeze.
the cool breeze floating over my shoulders takes me to an early morning in kauai.
if i close my eyes i can pretend.
pretend for a scant moment that the breeze is coming in off the water.
pretend the distant traffic is really the sound of the pounding surf.
then i hear a motorcycle or a garbage truck.
my imagination is more adept at this time rather than at night,
when the neighborhood ambient noise is greater.
when i cannot bend my mind to my whimsical will, the ipod goes on.
a different version of my invented reality comes online.
i think of my day.
i think of my problems
i think of my possibilities.
i cover Thurston with a blanket
he has taken to sleeping with no shirt on.
he really is a little man now.
i work to not spin about the interactions of the previous day&night.
i remind myself of the worst case scenario
which i have already lived through.
this morning i battle my fear again.
despite much to look forward to.
fear derived from trying to read negative meaning in irrelevant details.
i have already lived the worst case scenario.
i do not need to know if there is any meaning.
i can choose to look at what is more concrete rather than the inferred and esoteric.
this may gray holds patience.
this may gray holds control.
this may gray holds restraint.
this may gray burns off
shining into a lucid night.