Saturday, July 28, 2012

Another Morning

Sleep came and went.  I woke completely anxious.  Starting the day this way is not pleasurable.  There are a few reasons for my anxiety. I need to figure out how to process through them, and let them go. In my anxious state, I want to pick apart pieces of my evening last night and be uber-critical of myself :

*I refer to a person in the following piece as TM.  These are NOT his initials.  I am simply attempting to preserve his privacy, which is important to him.  Those of you who have been close to me and read this blog should know I am referring to whom,in the recent months, I lost my heart.  Additionally...the italic writing is me arguing with myself.

Yes, I had 3 beers over 3 hours.
-not the end of the world.  I didn't exactly chug a 12 pack and a bottle of whiskey. Then go carousing into the wee hours of the morning looking for trouble. In fact, I maintained what would be considered a reasonable level of control and restraint, with possible exception in sassy-ness arena.

Yes, saw TM* (and wasn't expecting it), and question the entire, minuscule interaction . Did I look ok? Did I behave like a nervous idiot? Will my nervousness be perceived as "super emotional?" Will it make him think "oh god, I CANNOT deal with her."?
-Although I want to see him, I am unsure how to even behave around him these days, and hid part of the time in the office, until I just could not stand it any longer.  Then came out of hiding, drank one of the three beers and hoped that I wouldn't vomit literally or figuratively. In reality, very little dialog, chose to give him personal space, kept any and all conversation very light. I did not do anything that is to be considered wrong.  He must understand that he makes you nervous given all that has gone on.  Perhaps, kind of like a wild animal, he is even more nervous than you. This situation is a complete unknown, it is ok to have anxiety about it.  So funny, it was him that went on and on about pressure, and now I am perceiving a sense of pressure from him to behave in a way that i do not even know what the behavior is to be.

Yes, I became animated & sassy after TM left as a coping mechanism.
-When I don't understand a romantic situation I tend to perceive it in a negative way and believe that it is all a metaphor for rejection.  I do not deal with rejection well, although I have been told by many people "who deals with rejection well?"  So in terms of perceived rejection, I become animated and well, sassy for lack of a better word.  It is probably the only time people will see me actually be "fuck you. I am a bad ass!" in attitude.  It is the most arrogant I will be without anger.  When I get angry I have a tendency to retreat to a verbally intellectual  superior space and I become in many ways my dear Father.  A very, very smart man, who has no qualms of showing and telling people of his intellectual prowess and superiority.  I ask you to trust me on this one.  This is not a place where you want to see/encounter me.  Take the animated, rejected bad ass me over the intellectual, angry bad ass me.  The first one is infinitely more fun. Back to situation. Yes flirted, did not make inappropriate advances on anybody, or say/do anything to be ashamed of.  So why are you beating yourself up for this? Because you thought well of yourself and that you deserve something good? Well get over it.  Ok, I can have some patience with myself in that I am trying very hard to change how I view myself, and I do know that change creates a certain amount of anxiety.  So a little due to change is ok, but not allowed to dwell a long time in that space.

Yes, I flirted with a couple of people in my rejection/bad ass coping mode.
-fuck the anxiety. fuck TM. i am a bad ass. ok....still coping with potential perceived rejection even as I write this. Again, I did not say or do anything that I have reason to be ashamed of.

Yes, I was enthusiastic about riding my bike and my desire to improve at that skill. But crap, I work at the bike shop, so If I can't be over enthusiastic there, well I am screwed. Maybe I am just nervous about that, as I am such a novice (something that also creates anxiety for me...trying new things and admitting publicly that I can not do something more than proficiently). Admittedly, I worry/freak out thinking that I sound like a complete moron.  Maybe that is how I was sounding to everybody?  Where is my bad ass attitude now? Why does it abandon me when I am thinking about this crap?
-I need to get over it.  I am entitled to learn new things and be excited about them and not be apologetic about it!! Besides do I need to be quite that self conscious? The answer should be NO! and fuck anybody who thinks or says crappy things about me. I have no malicious intent in my enthusiasm.

Yes, I was enthusiastic about talking about all the wonderful times I have spent in Yosemite.  I guess this is part of the over-enthusiastic me that made an appearance last night.
-Well, this really wasn't such a bad thing.  I was just excited and could have sold Yosemite to the Native Americans who lived there and know the beauty intimately.

Yes, I texted with a few people. In times past, this could be bad, really bad, but upon rereading them, they were texts I would have sent without beer or rejection reaction. My sense of control and restraint within the confines of therapy have served me well.  Except for the one text to TM.  I haven't deleted the one text.  I have reread it multiple times and it remains a valid (maybe slightly weird) question and the question still stands, and again one I might have sent without beer in the face of rejection.
-Improvement over times past, and all I want to do is improve myself and how I relate to the world.  This may or may not be a mistake.  Only time will tell, as I think the question texted was a valid one. I am having more anxiety because it has remained unanswered.  I know perfectly well that TM won't respond if he is self conscious or is unsure how to respond.  I think my question made him self conscious of his words and clarity in regards to humor in text form. Again, time will only tell.

I discovered last night that other men in my life seem to be unsure of who I am romantically linked.  It was thought that I was possibly dating somebody, that is simply a friend.  Apparently they think I have a wider appeal than I allow myself to see/believe. I find this weird (thinly veiled sense of disbelief). I guess this is yet something else that causes me anxiety and concern.
-I should have more confidence.  It is ok.  And if TM thinks I am dating other people, well he is right, because I am, and if he wants something different, he can step the fuck up.  I do NOT need to be anxious about this. I am hurting no one that I am aware of, with the exception of myself with this crappy spin causing me anxiety.  I deserve to find love and partnership.  If it doesn't come from TM then there is somebody equally as good, if not better making their way towards me, and I to him.

Most of these situations really shouldn't cause me anxiety, but they still do.  Ok. Focus on the situations that didn't make me anxious.  I had 2 conversations via text that were awesome. One with a close girl friend and the other with an (anonymous) "friend." I trust those 2 people. I do not believe they have any intention to hurt me emotionally, and a reasonable longish history with both.  I am terrified of the intense feelings that I still have for TM, and so the possibility of allowing them coming back out to have to endure rejection like last time scares the crap out of me.  Besides, I am getting ahead of myself.  I do not even know what TM is even feeling about me at this moment.  I could be starting to make mountains out of molehills.  No expectations is the safest place for me to live mentally.  I just have to keep telling myself that.  No expectations.  My anxiety surrounding rejection has led me to lead a life where I reject first.  I have only had 3 relationships where I did not choose the end of it.  TM is one of the 3.  With this said, through the anxiety and fear, I am still drawn to the possibility of a figurative "meeting of the minds" with TM. I suppose this is why we can choose to be a rock or an island unto ourselves, where we can't get hurt;  or we take the risk, the leap and know that we very well may fall.  Maybe the fall, if it even happens, won't be very far this time.

Friday, July 20, 2012

no talking and all action

Monday July 17th, 2012 at approximately 11am, my marriage of 13 years and 4 months came to a legal end (this doesn't count the 3 years of dating/living together).  I just wrote a whole convoluted piece on my feelings about it.  Erased it.  I am reminded of a lyric from the song "Ocean sized" by Jane's Addiction.

"I want to be more like the ocean.  No talking and all action.  No talking and all action."

It was my past.  I own my future as much as my past.  I may talk a lot, but I never believed in the passive life, for better or for worse.  I have always been an active participant, even when I make a crap load of mistakes.  I prefer to try to be like the mother ocean. All action.

"I've seen the ocean break on shore, come together with no harm done."

I have much I could say, but it won't change the past, and the future lays elsewhere.  Therefore, maybe it is better to say nothing more.


Friday, July 6, 2012

6 things I can't live without

Recently I was asked on a stupid questionaire what 6 things I could not live life without.  This is a fucking set up. It really doesn't matter what you answer.  You will look shallow and self centered with pretty much anything you put there.  But none the less, I was thinking, well, what could I not live with out? The obvious, books and music. Well this is art and to be considered the highest degree of humanity, but to possess it? Well, in theory, although I have a lovely library of books and music, all are replaceable. Isn't that what public libraries are for anyways?  Then we start thinking about "stuff" that occupies our home....wait... a home...oh yah...fucking had to sell that, so I guess that isn't as crucial as upon first thought. By the way...the question was "what 6 things could i NOT live without" not what 6 things would make my life less cynical.  Back to stuff, well stuff is all replaceable, or at least that is the platitude we hand out when somebody's house has been ransacked and things that would see precious are stolen.  Wait, yah, that happened to me too, so I guess the stuff is not really all the crucial either.  Well, art and stuff have been knocked off the list, what is left? Nature, ideas and  people? Extreme environmentalists would have you believe that nature is a non negotiable.  I am tied to nature by the sheer concept of gravity.  Gravity. There is possibly the first thing I think I couldn't live without.  What would keep me tethered to this god forsaken shit hole if gravity didn't?  Now we are delving into the realm of ideas.  We own ideas, share ideas, it is thought that then become validated by some system of belief (or proof). Is it really possible to live without ideas? Not really if you are any kind if sentient pensive individual. Then those ideas get translated into books....and we cycle right back to libraries. So thus far I have 2 things that I could not possibly live without. 1. Gravity (which in some way gets rolled into #2) 2. Thoughts/Ideas.  The more emotional part of this process. People. People. Fucking People. As a mother I suspect that every person who will ever read this will cannot possibly live without your child. If you can, well then you are a shit mother.  Well, hate to break it to you dear reader. I can't live without my child, but as so many many books trying to explain to me how I can't live without hope, also are quick to remind me of how many people have children die. Good people. Nice people. Stupid people. All have children that die for sudden and tragic reasons.  Do those individuals go on in their life? In theory they do. So, god forbid, something were to happen to Thurston, would I commit suicide? No. I would descend into the pits of hell, but ultimately I would go on. From a different perspective, children grow and move on into their own lives. You then no longer talk with them or see them every day. Most people do not even live in the same city as their children, again, do we off ourselves at this point, or go on? At some point I will have to make peace without having my child in my life the way he is now.  Family. I believe that all who might read this post have lost some family to death. Again, same situation applies...we go on.  I don't want my family to die, but it is an inevitability to life.  Friends. Friends come and go. I will not go any deeper than this. If you know me, you know the deep sense of loss I have in this arena that I struggle everyday to make peace with. Are people crucial to our experience? Yes. The sense of connection, the sense of belonging, the sense of acceptance.  As I was running and walking working through this skewed logic, I kept coming back to the idea,  what do I turn to in the worst of times that I have experienced.  What would bring me comfort? The answer actually is pretty simple.  It is two things. 1) Music...very specifically, Tom Waits.  Nothing makes me feel stronger, centered and remember the core of who I am, than when I am listening to Tom Waits.  2) Connection.  The people who I have unwaivering faith in my love for them and theirs for me.  The kind of friendship that has already weathered insane storms, and yet they still are there to say to you all in the same breath "I love you, and you are full of crap.  Fuck the world. Let's go have a drink."

My List:
1) Gravity
3)Tom Waits
4)Deep abiding connection

All the rest falls into those 4 concepts.  How about you? Want to get sucked into this time thought burglar? I assure you contemplate it now before you go to put yourself on an online dating website.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Life and how we live it

July 2, 2012 @ 11.35pm Music: Brian Jonestown Masscre

As usual, sleep really should be up on my playlist at the moment, but alas, it is not.
I have not updated my blog lately. I think it has just been to painful to do so.
Writing on the blog makes me think of current risks that I have taken and the toll those risks incur.
Choosing to open your self up to a depth of emotion, to think that it is actually happening, then to be told abruptly that it is NOT. It breeds humility. It breeds introspection. The type of introspection that can be cruel and birth an undercurrent of shame. Then to try to possess the power to fight the shame and fear and  realize the fleeting reality of the situation....It takes its vengeance in my ability to write.  I become lost in the situation, my reaction, my responsibility and I am overwhelmed by my emotion and my inability to control it. So I shut down. I can say I have learned a few important things of late due to my latest foray into love. I have learned that people are strangely attached to hope. That it is sacrosanct to even imply the possibility of living without hope. Hope is a loaded word with mythical meaning that is different for each person. I have learned that, for me, hope is fraught with expectation. I had originally thought that hope and delusion were indistinguishable for me, but that is not the case. It is that I cannot figure out how to separate out expectation from hope.  But, if I change the language just slightly, I can possess what I think many consider hope.  I remain optimistic. I can be optimistic without expectations.  I have learned that I have more tools than I thought I ever had to cope with extreme anxiety.  I can over come the anxiety, and be aware of what my reactions are going to be, and hopefully control those reactions to keep me in a healthier space.  I learned that I have some amazing friends and it is their love and support that make the most difference to me.  Taking the time to reach out. To connect. I am a person where connection is everything. I have come to realize that all too often we rely upon a quick text to replace a real meaningful conversation. The real opportunity to exchange ideas, experiences and challenges.  I work frequently in offices alone or with minimal contact of any real significance with others. I crave the human interaction.  When I don't have that is when I feel my most lonely and vulnerable.