Saturday, July 28, 2012

Another Morning

Sleep came and went.  I woke completely anxious.  Starting the day this way is not pleasurable.  There are a few reasons for my anxiety. I need to figure out how to process through them, and let them go. In my anxious state, I want to pick apart pieces of my evening last night and be uber-critical of myself :

*I refer to a person in the following piece as TM.  These are NOT his initials.  I am simply attempting to preserve his privacy, which is important to him.  Those of you who have been close to me and read this blog should know I am referring to whom,in the recent months, I lost my heart.  Additionally...the italic writing is me arguing with myself.

Yes, I had 3 beers over 3 hours.
-not the end of the world.  I didn't exactly chug a 12 pack and a bottle of whiskey. Then go carousing into the wee hours of the morning looking for trouble. In fact, I maintained what would be considered a reasonable level of control and restraint, with possible exception in sassy-ness arena.

Yes, saw TM* (and wasn't expecting it), and question the entire, minuscule interaction . Did I look ok? Did I behave like a nervous idiot? Will my nervousness be perceived as "super emotional?" Will it make him think "oh god, I CANNOT deal with her."?
-Although I want to see him, I am unsure how to even behave around him these days, and hid part of the time in the office, until I just could not stand it any longer.  Then came out of hiding, drank one of the three beers and hoped that I wouldn't vomit literally or figuratively. In reality, very little dialog, chose to give him personal space, kept any and all conversation very light. I did not do anything that is to be considered wrong.  He must understand that he makes you nervous given all that has gone on.  Perhaps, kind of like a wild animal, he is even more nervous than you. This situation is a complete unknown, it is ok to have anxiety about it.  So funny, it was him that went on and on about pressure, and now I am perceiving a sense of pressure from him to behave in a way that i do not even know what the behavior is to be.

Yes, I became animated & sassy after TM left as a coping mechanism.
-When I don't understand a romantic situation I tend to perceive it in a negative way and believe that it is all a metaphor for rejection.  I do not deal with rejection well, although I have been told by many people "who deals with rejection well?"  So in terms of perceived rejection, I become animated and well, sassy for lack of a better word.  It is probably the only time people will see me actually be "fuck you. I am a bad ass!" in attitude.  It is the most arrogant I will be without anger.  When I get angry I have a tendency to retreat to a verbally intellectual  superior space and I become in many ways my dear Father.  A very, very smart man, who has no qualms of showing and telling people of his intellectual prowess and superiority.  I ask you to trust me on this one.  This is not a place where you want to see/encounter me.  Take the animated, rejected bad ass me over the intellectual, angry bad ass me.  The first one is infinitely more fun. Back to situation. Yes flirted, did not make inappropriate advances on anybody, or say/do anything to be ashamed of.  So why are you beating yourself up for this? Because you thought well of yourself and that you deserve something good? Well get over it.  Ok, I can have some patience with myself in that I am trying very hard to change how I view myself, and I do know that change creates a certain amount of anxiety.  So a little due to change is ok, but not allowed to dwell a long time in that space.

Yes, I flirted with a couple of people in my rejection/bad ass coping mode.
-fuck the anxiety. fuck TM. i am a bad ass. ok....still coping with potential perceived rejection even as I write this. Again, I did not say or do anything that I have reason to be ashamed of.

Yes, I was enthusiastic about riding my bike and my desire to improve at that skill. But crap, I work at the bike shop, so If I can't be over enthusiastic there, well I am screwed. Maybe I am just nervous about that, as I am such a novice (something that also creates anxiety for me...trying new things and admitting publicly that I can not do something more than proficiently). Admittedly, I worry/freak out thinking that I sound like a complete moron.  Maybe that is how I was sounding to everybody?  Where is my bad ass attitude now? Why does it abandon me when I am thinking about this crap?
-I need to get over it.  I am entitled to learn new things and be excited about them and not be apologetic about it!! Besides do I need to be quite that self conscious? The answer should be NO! and fuck anybody who thinks or says crappy things about me. I have no malicious intent in my enthusiasm.

Yes, I was enthusiastic about talking about all the wonderful times I have spent in Yosemite.  I guess this is part of the over-enthusiastic me that made an appearance last night.
-Well, this really wasn't such a bad thing.  I was just excited and could have sold Yosemite to the Native Americans who lived there and know the beauty intimately.

Yes, I texted with a few people. In times past, this could be bad, really bad, but upon rereading them, they were texts I would have sent without beer or rejection reaction. My sense of control and restraint within the confines of therapy have served me well.  Except for the one text to TM.  I haven't deleted the one text.  I have reread it multiple times and it remains a valid (maybe slightly weird) question and the question still stands, and again one I might have sent without beer in the face of rejection.
-Improvement over times past, and all I want to do is improve myself and how I relate to the world.  This may or may not be a mistake.  Only time will tell, as I think the question texted was a valid one. I am having more anxiety because it has remained unanswered.  I know perfectly well that TM won't respond if he is self conscious or is unsure how to respond.  I think my question made him self conscious of his words and clarity in regards to humor in text form. Again, time will only tell.

I discovered last night that other men in my life seem to be unsure of who I am romantically linked.  It was thought that I was possibly dating somebody, that is simply a friend.  Apparently they think I have a wider appeal than I allow myself to see/believe. I find this weird (thinly veiled sense of disbelief). I guess this is yet something else that causes me anxiety and concern.
-I should have more confidence.  It is ok.  And if TM thinks I am dating other people, well he is right, because I am, and if he wants something different, he can step the fuck up.  I do NOT need to be anxious about this. I am hurting no one that I am aware of, with the exception of myself with this crappy spin causing me anxiety.  I deserve to find love and partnership.  If it doesn't come from TM then there is somebody equally as good, if not better making their way towards me, and I to him.

Most of these situations really shouldn't cause me anxiety, but they still do.  Ok. Focus on the situations that didn't make me anxious.  I had 2 conversations via text that were awesome. One with a close girl friend and the other with an (anonymous) "friend." I trust those 2 people. I do not believe they have any intention to hurt me emotionally, and a reasonable longish history with both.  I am terrified of the intense feelings that I still have for TM, and so the possibility of allowing them coming back out to have to endure rejection like last time scares the crap out of me.  Besides, I am getting ahead of myself.  I do not even know what TM is even feeling about me at this moment.  I could be starting to make mountains out of molehills.  No expectations is the safest place for me to live mentally.  I just have to keep telling myself that.  No expectations.  My anxiety surrounding rejection has led me to lead a life where I reject first.  I have only had 3 relationships where I did not choose the end of it.  TM is one of the 3.  With this said, through the anxiety and fear, I am still drawn to the possibility of a figurative "meeting of the minds" with TM. I suppose this is why we can choose to be a rock or an island unto ourselves, where we can't get hurt;  or we take the risk, the leap and know that we very well may fall.  Maybe the fall, if it even happens, won't be very far this time.

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