July 2, 2012 @ 11.35pm Music: Brian Jonestown Masscre
As usual, sleep really should be up on my playlist at the moment, but alas, it is not.
I have not updated my blog lately. I think it has just been to painful to do so.
Writing on the blog makes me think of current risks that I have taken and the toll those risks incur.
Choosing to open your self up to a depth of emotion, to think that it is actually happening, then to be told abruptly that it is NOT. It breeds humility. It breeds introspection. The type of introspection that can be cruel and birth an undercurrent of shame. Then to try to possess the power to fight the shame and fear and realize the fleeting reality of the situation....It takes its vengeance in my ability to write. I become lost in the situation, my reaction, my responsibility and I am overwhelmed by my emotion and my inability to control it. So I shut down. I can say I have learned a few important things of late due to my latest foray into love. I have learned that people are strangely attached to hope. That it is sacrosanct to even imply the possibility of living without hope. Hope is a loaded word with mythical meaning that is different for each person. I have learned that, for me, hope is fraught with expectation. I had originally thought that hope and delusion were indistinguishable for me, but that is not the case. It is that I cannot figure out how to separate out expectation from hope. But, if I change the language just slightly, I can possess what I think many consider hope. I remain optimistic. I can be optimistic without expectations. I have learned that I have more tools than I thought I ever had to cope with extreme anxiety. I can over come the anxiety, and be aware of what my reactions are going to be, and hopefully control those reactions to keep me in a healthier space. I learned that I have some amazing friends and it is their love and support that make the most difference to me. Taking the time to reach out. To connect. I am a person where connection is everything. I have come to realize that all too often we rely upon a quick text to replace a real meaningful conversation. The real opportunity to exchange ideas, experiences and challenges. I work frequently in offices alone or with minimal contact of any real significance with others. I crave the human interaction. When I don't have that is when I feel my most lonely and vulnerable.