Tuesday, August 21, 2012

i am unlimited

this is not going to go well. it never does. time and time again. i can already feel my heart being ripped out. this situation has been so complicated for so long. nothing about it is easy or straight forward, and my last thought on this matter would have been that i would find myself emotionally invested in this situation. is it honesty on my part or pushing the boundaries as far as i can? push so hard that the hurt happens and i can move on. move on to the next high and inevitable fall. this time he (opposed to others) agreed to talk. he came in strong. he came in ready to end the romance. based on a single comment i made about our status. the comment had been based on how i  perceived a change in how we were relating to each other and my personal lack of clarity of my own emotions. a specific comment regarding not defining the future, but acknowledging that there was more being demonstrated than what we both originally had intended.  i was not strong, despite the fact i had instigated this. my tears had already been flowing all day. i spent most of my day hiding due to my inability to control them.  i suppose that tears might be considered manipulation by some. it was not intended as such by me. they were genuine. in our discussion i told him of his words and actions that belied emotion that would be hard to refute. his response was that they would never go away. by this time we were both holding onto each other. he kept saying that he wanted to remember my smell always. i could not control the involuntary sobs that burst out from my chest. i too want to remember his smell. we had been careful not to kiss. he kept holding me,  trying to comfort me. in the end it felt as if we were both clinging to each other. i did not want him to leave. i told him so. he stayed and we continued to hold each other. him playing with my hair and face in my neck. i too playing with his hair and rubbing his back and shoulders. we kissed. i cried. i told him of how he is two people to me. the person who comes to my door, and then, the one who leaves. as he gets ready to leave, he puts the facade on. the one that faces the world. the one that wants to be an island. the one that keeps people at bay. the one that comes to my door is the one that laughs. it is the one that reads literature and talks books with me. it is the one that kisses me under the blankets and laughs. the one i would actually consider tromping around paris with. the one with the half smirk and looks at my eyes with his half closed heavy lids. the one that bought me flowers on my birthday and wrote on the card that they were from someone else. the one that sat with me eating cookies i baked. the one that wants me to read aloud to him and tells me to crush the others at the track. i told him that i was scared of him leaving tonight. he would put on the facade, the other him, and the one that comes to my door would be gone forever... the tears ran down my face and landed on his face. his phone rang. it was midnight. he needed to leave. he kissed me. he held my face and kissed me again and again. i told him i was not ready for this to be over.  this time the facade did not go on. he said it did not start suddenly, and it won't end as such either. he kissed me again. he said we will hang out soon. strength and duality. were we both strong? or were we both weak? or is this the confusion and duality of emotion and attachment?

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Sand Angels

I am hot. It is a gawd awful heat wave that has descended on our dusty sub tropic town.  It sucks my motivation. I have no desire to do anything during daylight hours, and the night finds relief, but only out in it. My apartment has been retaining the heat well into the night. I have an even harder time fighting off anger and tears in this weather. I find myself lamenting all the comforts I had in my old house, like air conditioning.

I woke this morning, basically in tears. I have had good moments today of fun and laughter, but when left unoccupied and to my own devices the tears come back quickly and easily. I am struggling to figure out meaning once again in arenas that perhaps it is not time yet for that knowledge.  In this heat I have a harder time controlling the compulsive behavior. It is the analytical behavior that tends to be my undoing. 

Like wondering what meaning I have to people's lives. Did so and so mean what they said, because, now their words and actions don't really match.  Did he really like it when I stepped outside my comfort zone and scratched his beard?  I think he did, but I do not trust what I see most of the time. Did another person who was trying to tell me in a specific moment how he felt about me mean what I think he meant when he pulled my hand to his heart and held it there? and why? Did it mean anything that Chris and I walked home the other night talking of philosophy, dreams, sleep, love and insanity. What does it mean to me that I was ok with nothing happening physically? Does this mean that I have moved on? Does it mean that I actually have evolved feelings for others that override the love and passion I have carried for Chris for two and half years? What does it mean that Chris has been harder to deal with emotionally than Jay? Does it mean there is some great awful sense of denial in me about the relationship with Jay? My therapist wanted me to consider the chaos I am creating/allowing to circle around me. Am I ok with it? Can I live with it? Will it make me descend some place I work hard to avoid? Why is this chaos? Who is creating this chaos?   Am I creating this chaos? I don't know that this is really chaos. 

My head is tired. and hot. I just want to close my eyes and think thoughts that ultimately make me cry. Sometimes crying just feels good. I hate to cry. It makes my sinuses hurt terribly. I also feel insanely weak. Even when I cry at home alone, in the shower. I do not get the luxury of weakness. So much for controlling the stream of consciousness vomit tonight.  My eyelids are actually drooping.  I feel the tired hit my face. I might not be able to proof read this before publishing. I want to close my eyes and think of making sand angels on a moonlit beach with the sound of the waves pounding. The pungent salt air heavy in my hair and on my mouth. Laying in the damp sand feeling the cool moist air laying as a blanket draped over my legs, arms and eyes. Laying there in the angel impressions and reaching out holding a hand. the question is which hand? tonight i can picture different hands for different reasons. 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

start, stop, left turn

I have started a few posts and have yet to finish them. I have been tired or preoccupied at night when I usually write these posts.  I have been reading "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" and contemplating Nietzche, which leaves one drifting into strange, esoteric spaces. I realized recently that I live stream of consciousness-ly. I may have the ability to work and get much accomplished but most assuredly, my mind continues on its random journey even through the mundane tasks required of me.  The challenge I have contemplated of late is that I verbally emit stream of consciousness thought as well.  It is the rare individuals who understand the swift tangents our conversations will traverse. I have never really contemplated this way of being, it simply is, until now.  As usual, I have been wondering about my behavior within romantic relationships and thought, well, maybe, this is too much. That level of honesty and ability to switch gears quickly may be more than what others want to deal with.  Now, I am not saying that my brain will ever stop working the way that it does. Do I have the ability to control the output from my mouth? Months ago, I discussed at great length the concept of control in my life.  This really is just a varied aspect on that theme. For me, it takes great strength to change these pieces of my behavior, and I have been working to do so, even if for a period of time, to observe if there is a demonstrative difference due to the personal change. I really realized this when I texted to a romantic friend one word. Watermelon. I really didn't need to do that. It left him a bit perplexed as I found out later.  It was not like we were in the middle of a conversation or anything. I was thinking of him and also thinking of watermelon. Random as it may seem, but my brain put the two together. And I sent it.  I then think to the flip side of this coin.  Why the Frankenstein would I want to spend time with somebody who wouldn't get or appreciate how my mind processes?  (Side Story: "Frankenstein" is Thurston's really awesome replacement creative word for fuck...we have both been using "bad" language a bit too much of late & we decided collectively that we would try to come up with creative ways to reinvent those words...fun challenge for both of us...Frankenstein was his today!) Anyways, why would I even consider? Well,  good question, self.  It is not my intention to overwhelm anybody, romantically or otherwise. Does this play into the level of intensity that I have been (rightly) accused of? Perhaps.  All of this plays into the ridiculous social intricacies known as romantic love.  These ideas that are so deeply ingrained in us that it becomes a bizarre puzzle to unravel them.  Gordon called it "the game."  He is right. It is, and I have been losing the game in some fashion. Like most, I don't like to lose.  I think that maybe the crux of it. I feel like I am losing at much in my life. A failed marriage. Making significantly less money than I have made in a very long time (for a few years now). Having to sell the home that I put literally, my heart into the walls and earth. Failed love affairs. All of these losses take their toll on the psyche. What do I need to change about me to make these failures stop? It must be something at the core of me that is failing. So I then think of how I relate to people. How I could make it better?  At the heart of it, all I can do is control me, meaning, my actions and reactions (which includes when and what I say).

Friday, August 3, 2012

Apologies!

Folks....apology in some fashion for may last entry.
I was pissed off/burnt out/frustrated/lonely.
Please remember I have a ridiculous flair for the dramatic.
I AM OK!!! In fact even in a better mood.
Sorry if I caused you any concern.  Be concerned when I don't post for extended periods of time.
I was venting, and very few people have access to this blog.
Love you all, and thanks for checking in. Sending out lots love to you all.
Again, sorry if I made you worry.
xoxo
Nicole

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

full moon bullshit

9:49pm Wednesday August 1, 2012
Ipod=Langhorne Slim and the Law, The Way We Move.

I want reassurance. I want to know that I am loved. I want to know that I desired.
I don't want to be lonely. I don't want to be heartbroken.
Some days it just seems like that is all I will ever know.
I was alone in my marriage. I have yet to have any kind of successful subsequent relationship.
I have a beautiful child, but he is my responsibility not my companion or partner.
Also, due to financial limitations I struggle to have regular adult interactions.
My best friend is still in prison in another state, and well, not so good at corresponding.
I would like to not feel this way so much of the time.
The sense of there being nobody out there for me.  I have watched this all my life.
I am quite over it all.  I am tired of being a paltry second choice to someone who might be better.
I am tired of thinking it is because I am defective.
I just don't believe it anymore.
I am tired. I am burnt out.
I am tired of giving.
It is my choice to give. I think I am going to stop.
It would be nice if somebody could figure out that I am worthwhile to give to.
Tonight is one of those nights where I simply feel on the brink.
I am not sure where the strength will come from to hold it together for another 20 minutes, until I try to fall asleep.
Today is the kind of day that I start to remember why I used to have a fantasy about getting on a plane, leaving and never coming back.
Today is the kind of day where I fail to see the beauty around me.
Fail to see companionship, camaraderie, love, hope and joy.
I only see work, responsibility, loneliness and failure.
I see making efforts over and over to love simply be slapped in the face and told to go away.
I struggle for joy and purpose in these days.
It is as if my existence is meaningless.
No amount of running, walking or physical exercise seems to be able to curtail this frustration and sadness in me today.
It is pathetic that I just want to tell a live warm person who fucking cares about me, about how I am struggling to get through this day, and what I have is a small private pathetic blog.
If it weren't for the fact that this has an email distribution list, I am sure it would never get read, and more than likely, the emails aren't either.