Wednesday, August 1, 2012

full moon bullshit

9:49pm Wednesday August 1, 2012
Ipod=Langhorne Slim and the Law, The Way We Move.

I want reassurance. I want to know that I am loved. I want to know that I desired.
I don't want to be lonely. I don't want to be heartbroken.
Some days it just seems like that is all I will ever know.
I was alone in my marriage. I have yet to have any kind of successful subsequent relationship.
I have a beautiful child, but he is my responsibility not my companion or partner.
Also, due to financial limitations I struggle to have regular adult interactions.
My best friend is still in prison in another state, and well, not so good at corresponding.
I would like to not feel this way so much of the time.
The sense of there being nobody out there for me.  I have watched this all my life.
I am quite over it all.  I am tired of being a paltry second choice to someone who might be better.
I am tired of thinking it is because I am defective.
I just don't believe it anymore.
I am tired. I am burnt out.
I am tired of giving.
It is my choice to give. I think I am going to stop.
It would be nice if somebody could figure out that I am worthwhile to give to.
Tonight is one of those nights where I simply feel on the brink.
I am not sure where the strength will come from to hold it together for another 20 minutes, until I try to fall asleep.
Today is the kind of day that I start to remember why I used to have a fantasy about getting on a plane, leaving and never coming back.
Today is the kind of day where I fail to see the beauty around me.
Fail to see companionship, camaraderie, love, hope and joy.
I only see work, responsibility, loneliness and failure.
I see making efforts over and over to love simply be slapped in the face and told to go away.
I struggle for joy and purpose in these days.
It is as if my existence is meaningless.
No amount of running, walking or physical exercise seems to be able to curtail this frustration and sadness in me today.
It is pathetic that I just want to tell a live warm person who fucking cares about me, about how I am struggling to get through this day, and what I have is a small private pathetic blog.
If it weren't for the fact that this has an email distribution list, I am sure it would never get read, and more than likely, the emails aren't either.

1 comment:

  1. Damn, it Nicole I didn't want to have to tell you this but I do read your blog posts (at least many to most of them) and I always bite my tongue because I think you are a much more powerful writer when you think NO ONE IS READING! I have heard your voice change from the beginning where you were more presenting and creating knowing there were others out there, to just a pure, raw processing. It's honest and wonderful and complicated and truly beautiful, even when you feel like a mess. That space, the one that makes you blind to beauty, its a lonely, awful place to be (but it good to recognize how the moon can pull at us, contributing to those feelings.)

    GAH! The cursed suffering, we humans endure...of such varying degrees and flavors, but made of the same stuff. The Suffering Stuff. I want you to know I honor your personal struggles, I respect you, I admire your talent and passion, and I believe, absolutely and truly, in your ability to find happiness (whatever that means for you, but my hunch is the bulk of it lies within yourself, just in you, you, you, sweet YOU...everything else good comes after finding that.) I love you!! XOXO