I woke this morning, basically in tears. I have had good moments today of fun and laughter, but when left unoccupied and to my own devices the tears come back quickly and easily. I am struggling to figure out meaning once again in arenas that perhaps it is not time yet for that knowledge. In this heat I have a harder time controlling the compulsive behavior. It is the analytical behavior that tends to be my undoing.
Like wondering what meaning I have to people's lives. Did so and so mean what they said, because, now their words and actions don't really match. Did he really like it when I stepped outside my comfort zone and scratched his beard? I think he did, but I do not trust what I see most of the time. Did another person who was trying to tell me in a specific moment how he felt about me mean what I think he meant when he pulled my hand to his heart and held it there? and why? Did it mean anything that Chris and I walked home the other night talking of philosophy, dreams, sleep, love and insanity. What does it mean to me that I was ok with nothing happening physically? Does this mean that I have moved on? Does it mean that I actually have evolved feelings for others that override the love and passion I have carried for Chris for two and half years? What does it mean that Chris has been harder to deal with emotionally than Jay? Does it mean there is some great awful sense of denial in me about the relationship with Jay? My therapist wanted me to consider the chaos I am creating/allowing to circle around me. Am I ok with it? Can I live with it? Will it make me descend some place I work hard to avoid? Why is this chaos? Who is creating this chaos? Am I creating this chaos? I don't know that this is really chaos.
My head is tired. and hot. I just want to close my eyes and think thoughts that ultimately make me cry. Sometimes crying just feels good. I hate to cry. It makes my sinuses hurt terribly. I also feel insanely weak. Even when I cry at home alone, in the shower. I do not get the luxury of weakness. So much for controlling the stream of consciousness vomit tonight. My eyelids are actually drooping. I feel the tired hit my face. I might not be able to proof read this before publishing. I want to close my eyes and think of making sand angels on a moonlit beach with the sound of the waves pounding. The pungent salt air heavy in my hair and on my mouth. Laying in the damp sand feeling the cool moist air laying as a blanket draped over my legs, arms and eyes. Laying there in the angel impressions and reaching out holding a hand. the question is which hand? tonight i can picture different hands for different reasons.