Tuesday, August 21, 2012

i am unlimited

this is not going to go well. it never does. time and time again. i can already feel my heart being ripped out. this situation has been so complicated for so long. nothing about it is easy or straight forward, and my last thought on this matter would have been that i would find myself emotionally invested in this situation. is it honesty on my part or pushing the boundaries as far as i can? push so hard that the hurt happens and i can move on. move on to the next high and inevitable fall. this time he (opposed to others) agreed to talk. he came in strong. he came in ready to end the romance. based on a single comment i made about our status. the comment had been based on how i  perceived a change in how we were relating to each other and my personal lack of clarity of my own emotions. a specific comment regarding not defining the future, but acknowledging that there was more being demonstrated than what we both originally had intended.  i was not strong, despite the fact i had instigated this. my tears had already been flowing all day. i spent most of my day hiding due to my inability to control them.  i suppose that tears might be considered manipulation by some. it was not intended as such by me. they were genuine. in our discussion i told him of his words and actions that belied emotion that would be hard to refute. his response was that they would never go away. by this time we were both holding onto each other. he kept saying that he wanted to remember my smell always. i could not control the involuntary sobs that burst out from my chest. i too want to remember his smell. we had been careful not to kiss. he kept holding me,  trying to comfort me. in the end it felt as if we were both clinging to each other. i did not want him to leave. i told him so. he stayed and we continued to hold each other. him playing with my hair and face in my neck. i too playing with his hair and rubbing his back and shoulders. we kissed. i cried. i told him of how he is two people to me. the person who comes to my door, and then, the one who leaves. as he gets ready to leave, he puts the facade on. the one that faces the world. the one that wants to be an island. the one that keeps people at bay. the one that comes to my door is the one that laughs. it is the one that reads literature and talks books with me. it is the one that kisses me under the blankets and laughs. the one i would actually consider tromping around paris with. the one with the half smirk and looks at my eyes with his half closed heavy lids. the one that bought me flowers on my birthday and wrote on the card that they were from someone else. the one that sat with me eating cookies i baked. the one that wants me to read aloud to him and tells me to crush the others at the track. i told him that i was scared of him leaving tonight. he would put on the facade, the other him, and the one that comes to my door would be gone forever... the tears ran down my face and landed on his face. his phone rang. it was midnight. he needed to leave. he kissed me. he held my face and kissed me again and again. i told him i was not ready for this to be over.  this time the facade did not go on. he said it did not start suddenly, and it won't end as such either. he kissed me again. he said we will hang out soon. strength and duality. were we both strong? or were we both weak? or is this the confusion and duality of emotion and attachment?

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