Thursday, August 16, 2012

start, stop, left turn

I have started a few posts and have yet to finish them. I have been tired or preoccupied at night when I usually write these posts.  I have been reading "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" and contemplating Nietzche, which leaves one drifting into strange, esoteric spaces. I realized recently that I live stream of consciousness-ly. I may have the ability to work and get much accomplished but most assuredly, my mind continues on its random journey even through the mundane tasks required of me.  The challenge I have contemplated of late is that I verbally emit stream of consciousness thought as well.  It is the rare individuals who understand the swift tangents our conversations will traverse. I have never really contemplated this way of being, it simply is, until now.  As usual, I have been wondering about my behavior within romantic relationships and thought, well, maybe, this is too much. That level of honesty and ability to switch gears quickly may be more than what others want to deal with.  Now, I am not saying that my brain will ever stop working the way that it does. Do I have the ability to control the output from my mouth? Months ago, I discussed at great length the concept of control in my life.  This really is just a varied aspect on that theme. For me, it takes great strength to change these pieces of my behavior, and I have been working to do so, even if for a period of time, to observe if there is a demonstrative difference due to the personal change. I really realized this when I texted to a romantic friend one word. Watermelon. I really didn't need to do that. It left him a bit perplexed as I found out later.  It was not like we were in the middle of a conversation or anything. I was thinking of him and also thinking of watermelon. Random as it may seem, but my brain put the two together. And I sent it.  I then think to the flip side of this coin.  Why the Frankenstein would I want to spend time with somebody who wouldn't get or appreciate how my mind processes?  (Side Story: "Frankenstein" is Thurston's really awesome replacement creative word for fuck...we have both been using "bad" language a bit too much of late & we decided collectively that we would try to come up with creative ways to reinvent those words...fun challenge for both of us...Frankenstein was his today!) Anyways, why would I even consider? Well,  good question, self.  It is not my intention to overwhelm anybody, romantically or otherwise. Does this play into the level of intensity that I have been (rightly) accused of? Perhaps.  All of this plays into the ridiculous social intricacies known as romantic love.  These ideas that are so deeply ingrained in us that it becomes a bizarre puzzle to unravel them.  Gordon called it "the game."  He is right. It is, and I have been losing the game in some fashion. Like most, I don't like to lose.  I think that maybe the crux of it. I feel like I am losing at much in my life. A failed marriage. Making significantly less money than I have made in a very long time (for a few years now). Having to sell the home that I put literally, my heart into the walls and earth. Failed love affairs. All of these losses take their toll on the psyche. What do I need to change about me to make these failures stop? It must be something at the core of me that is failing. So I then think of how I relate to people. How I could make it better?  At the heart of it, all I can do is control me, meaning, my actions and reactions (which includes when and what I say).

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