Thursday, September 20, 2012

muzzle on love

i told chris today i wasn't in love with him anymore.
even crazier, i meant it, not maliciously, but as a reality.
i thought i saw melanie get out of her car today at la jolla shores.
i had anxiety that started with dreams and carried through to this moment.
i couldn't stop shaking after i saw melanie's doppelganger.
i realized tonight i could give a shit about a band named boyz to men.
i continue to learn the painful lessons surrounding plans and expectations.
i realized how uncomfortable i am seeing young beautiful couples kissing in line at a pub.
despite what people want me to think or believe, i can love myself and still be sad, disappointed and fearful that love will never come my way.
i have listened to the police today in excess especially their first album.
i should have been a rabbi.
i should have been an architect.
i coulda been a contender.
i have fucking awesome legs and ankles.
i can sing a seriously rocking version of "roxanne"
i have been so infatuated with sting for so many years i can do all the crazy inflections he does on the first police album.
i ran and rode my bike.  neither to my total satisfaction today.
i showered twice.
i have been restricting what i say as i was told i made certain people uncomfortable.
i can still vomit my crap on my blog.
no muzzle.
i gathered some shells on the beach today for somebody.
decided that every man i have given those kinds of treasures to has kicked me to the curb.
decided the treasures of the sea were about symbolically washing them away from me.
i gave no treasures to anybody today.
i think i am rotating my ankles a little to much when i ride my bike now that i am clipped in.
i think this is made my ankles "freeze" up when i went running today.
yes i know my ankles are joints and i am simply referring to the muscle group that regulates that area of anatomy.
i am not going to edit/proof read this entry.
the anxiety of today has created latent anger that is coming forth.
rejection sucks just like climbing hills on a bike.
it just never gets easier.
there are too few people to talk philosophy with in any kind of detail.
there is simply not enough time in the day.
what can i do? all i want is to be next to you.
i don't know what has come over me,
i know he won't call.
that is why it is imperative to have NO expectations.
i can count on no one.
even the best of people lie.
i wish i could indulge my obsessions.
patience control restraint muzzle
the list is growing.
i was bold tonight and changed my facebook profile picture that is restrained sexy.
i don't care if the rest of you like it or not. I do.
i am a little tired tonight.
i feel a mental retreat starting to happen.
it is insanely hard to keep up anger and retreat when 2 of your closest friends are being sassy, funny, loving & supportive while on facebook.
i am not ready to stop typing.
love will walk thru my door someday.
in the meantime go fast turn left.
and don't spend too much money on babysitters while i pass through this.
wonder if i will sleep well or at all tonight.
are these those monkey mind thoughts i have been hearing about?
why would we want to suppress them?
not as sore as i thought i might be after the 20 mile ride yesterday.
i might be out of things to say of this kind of nature.
or not.
i could try to close my eyes for a minute or two.

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