Tuesday, October 2, 2012
I am laying here for the third night in a row attempting to write an entry. I was writing to Melanie recently about how I feel like my life even at its slowest moves at a frantic pace. I want to write about my recent months of aggressive bicycle riding and training. I want to expound on the thoughts i have about love. I want to talk about this time of year and the dramas that occurred three years ago that have forever changed my life dramatically. How this time of year now makes me anxious and melancholy. Only then to roll into the holidays which I used to love and now would rather endure the stomach flu than have to live through again. I want to write about the people who inhabit my life and how i seem to have this strange penchant for the most tortured yet beautiful souls. How I think sometimes that is my fate despite all the fight I have in me. I am hot. I am tired. I am disillusioned with so many things, yet I seem to have finally learned to just give it another day. Today I rode 10 miles in the disgusting heat. I wanted to do 20 and try to beat this cynicism into submission, but 10 was all I could do without hurting myself. Then tonight I went roller skating. That for a brief moment brought a smile to my face. Now I think I am just tired. Work will be a welcome respite to the inner workings of my ocd brain that keeps coming back to the same stupid place. I would like to just close the door for a few minutes, but it just doesn't want to let me. The best I can hope for is a dream or two that make me somehow feel good. I will hope as I close my eyes in a little bit.