Sunday, October 28, 2012

i have absolutely no idea

Admittedly had some bourbon tonight.  The last couple of weeks have been pretty much torture.  I have been engaged in the oddest affair of the heart. on and off for the last two and half years.  In the last six months it has become quite a bit more constant.  almost to the point that i would have almost said, i have a boyfriend.  bizarre, i know. yet two weeks ago he fucking dumped me within 16 hours of telling me that he was in love with me. fuck me in the neck. seriously. heartbreak of the most serious kind.  the kind when you have been involved with a friend who has seen you in the worst of your times, in your worst of shapes and still loves you. the person that you think, nah. no way. friend. maybe we go sideways sometimes, but no. not going there. then you do.

again.
again.
and again.

such a fucked up situation. the deep love. yet you want to be in serious denial about it.
as if it wasn't real,  rejection then would be so much easier to handle.
then you find yourself waiting to hear from him.
counting down until you know for sure when you get to see him again.
strategic posts on facebook, letting him know where you are, in case he wants to know.
the elation of him showing up at those places after you have posted.

then the awfulness.
the "i'm done."
the "i should have ended this earlier."
the tears. the pain. the torture.

then two weeks later.
both at the same place.
walking to the car.
the kiss. the tears.
i missed you.
i love you.
the insane yet absolutely beautiful night together.
all from him...

now i wait for what happens next.
do i hope?
do i listen to my fear?

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