Sunday, November 25, 2012

darkened bedroom

it is a process
it feels like crap
it feels like hell
the sad acceptance
fighting against the acceptance
trying to remember better moments
then throwing them under a mental blanket
they impede the process
the desire to move to anger
but you can't
you just can't because of the love

the desire for sleep
that just won't happen
because you are so deep in the process
i talk to myself in the darkened bedroom
like i am on my bike in the middle of a hard part of a ride.

i just need to get to that tree
then i can reevaluate
can i make it to the tree?
of course i can

i am in the process
the process that feels like crap
the process that feels like hell.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

it's a mad mad mad mad world, part 3 -reevaluating love

11/15/12 (Thurs) 6:50am itunes: Bon Iver, For Emma, Forever Ago.

I had to sleep. This part of my weekend remains the heaviest for my tired mind.  I know that if my love relationships are not complicated then I seem to have little or no interest. I deeply realized this recently.  I do not know why this is.  I know why I am attracted to certain men with certain traits, why I have been the person who is attracted to people who need to be saved.  With that said the last 2 men I have chosen....don't need to be saved and are in many ways very different choices for myself than all the other men in my past.  Why do I need, want, crave complicated? Why?  Do I fear boredom? Do I fear happiness? Is it my karma or destiny? I simply do not know those answers yet.  I get on my bike and ride and try to see if I can find those answers lingering in an unexplored part of my brain trying to hide in between song lyrics.

Friday night. I was tired from the ride. Disappointed with myself for what felt like a failure in front of the person I find most important. I was hurt by the lack of affection from him and what felt (and still unresolved) this withdrawing from me and what might be and us (on that day and for the weekend). My son was gone with his father. I was on my own. I had no place to be. It was entirely up to me.  I reacted to my day.  I got a bottle of bourbon, and couple of bottles of ginger ale and headed to Brooklyn Bikes to hang out with Chris.  I did not know where my night was going to take me, and I did not care.  At the very least, I could hang out with my friend.  He had rejected me so severely 3 years ago and now we seem to be even closer than what we were before.  We hang out. We laugh. We drink.  It came back to my place.  We watched Meaning of Life. I cooked a very late night dinner. We watched Top Gear.  We laughed and drank more.  I fell asleep curled up next to my friend that I had been so deeply deeply in love with.  The person that I loved so severely that when it did not go where I wanted it to go...I thought my world would end, I would never know love and passion again. The intensity of my love for Chris was the kind I had never experienced before.  Then I found myself laying on my couch, watching movies, curled up with my friend,  and all I can wish for is my current love.

Did I mention that the guy before my current love started texting me again on Thursday? the guy I easily could have fallen for deeply and had hoped for a relationship with? the guy who freaked the fuck out on me? with no real explanation, just shitty hurtful phrases to try to push me away.  His texts from Thursday thru last night are remarkably like the kind of texts when he first pursued me and when we started dating.  I have very very mixed feelings about this.  trust being a huge component here.  even with in simply the capacity of a friendship....Then to make this even discussing this recent set of events involving Jimmy with Chris, I find out from Chris that I am the third woman they have both have in common (dating/sexually).  When Chris told me this, I am pretty sure the back of my head exploded.  It shouldn't have. San Diego can be a small town in this way.  I have maintained for some time now that my business is not done with Chris and these other 2 men.  What that means,  I could not tell you, but simply a gut feeling (yes insert devo song here lol).  That has not changed.  I have no way of knowing if Jimmy really intends for anything other than friendship.  I really don't.  All I can do is try to be careful and take care of myself in all of this.

As to my current love, my feelings of love have not changed.  What is changing is my willingness to remain quiet and patient to let him process through what he needs to process.  I am exhausted trying to figure out where I stand with him and in his life.  I want him to choose me and choose me confidently.  I do not believe in ultimatums.  They never achieve what you hope they will.  To tell him to make a choice will do no good.  It is I who will have to make a choice, when I am ready to do so.  I am still not ready.  Yes, part of all of this is the fear that I will not like what will happen if I push him.  It does not take intuition to tell me that. It is experience.  I try to figure out how to ask even just one question that I feel like I need to ask him to put myself back on some stable ground.

There have been other men in the last 3 years, but these three are the ones that somehow I feel so tied to on a cosmic scale.  It sounds stupid, corny, whatever derogatory phrase you want to place in lieu of "god damn hippy bullshit." For me, it still remains.  I hate that the only control that i possess is the the control of ending all of it with everybody.  That feels like an ultimatum to them and to me.

I want love. I want to sit and watch movies and laugh with the person I am in love with.  I want to make dinner for that person. I want to sleep at night curled up with him, and not another because of a sense of rejection and need for affection and acceptance.  The game of love is gut wrenching.  I second guess all my words, needs and intuition.  I worry that I will drive all of them off. I continue to sit with much to say in my head analyzing whether or not what I have to say is real, fair, and worthy.  I worry that if I do say what I feel like needs to be said, the timing maybe wrong.  I hate fear, yet I possess it in love.  I have only deeply fallen in love 4 times.  Andy, Jay, Chris and current love.  So different are all of these loves.  2 of these 4 rejected me. I do not know where any of this takes me. Like I said, I am still working on these thoughts. What is real? What is reaction? What next step will I take? Can I do this without going back to a space of hating myself, because that place is so comfortable and I have so much control there?  I don't think I want to go back there.  So I am going to have to live with the unknown, the fear and the ever present lack of control...and believe in myself...

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

it's a mad mad mad mad world, part 2-father and son

11/14/12 (Weds) 11:30pm Itunes: Two Gallants, The Throes

Recently I called Jay. I told him I needed help. Period. End of story. I NEED FUCKING HELP!  I need something of a life that is mine for a few moments where I don't have to be Mama.  My family is wonderful and awesome, but I need a break. A regular break. A break where I don't feel guilty.  Funny thing is that Thurston can stay with my parents, but I live that time feeling constantly like a left shoe is going to drop at any moment.  Pretty much I feel the same with all of my family when it comes to watching Thurston.  Never really does anybody watch Thurston without having to give me some sort of negative report when I pick him up.  That does not make it easier for me to ask for help or feel comfortable leaving him pretty much anywhere.  With that said, about people I trust deeply, I actually have a bigger comfort zone with Jay and Thurston despite Jay's lack of participation for the last 3 years.

I told Jay that I could not expect my family to pick up the pieces that he really needed to hold.  Reluctantly he agreed to try to keep Thurston for a couple of nights in a row.  As it turned out, the first weekend was to be this past one.  I told Jay that the car would with go with Thurston.  Jay only has motorcycles and scooters.  He could have the car for the time Thurston is with him.  I have been riding my bike so much and my social life revolves around all areas I can easily bike around, it is a no brainer of a choice.

Jay met me at the apartment. We would swap vehicles at that point.  Jay and i were going to pick up Thurston together from school.  It gave me and Jay a few minutes to go over a few things.  Including some "nervousness" that Thurston had had in the morning.  Thurston was ecstastic to see Jay walk in with me.  They dropped me off at the apartment.  It had stopped raining again, and looked like it was going to stay that way for a couple of hours. So me and my bike could be on the prowl.

To the best of my knowledge, Thurston and Jay had a good weekend.  I,  in turn,  knew that Jay would call me if I was needed, but in this situation, I trust him.  He is the Father of my child.  He held and fed Thurston as a completely helpless and dependent baby.  He did so with kindness and love.  The fear he could overcome.  He would again.  I know my child is safe with his Father.  To Jay's credit, there was NO negative reports.  Nothing about his sleep habits, eating habits, allergies or moods.  Nothing about how it was more than what he could do or that it was too long or that he had other things to take care of.  I am grateful for that.  What was in theory a trial weekend was successful.  I have more weekends coming to me now as well.  The weight off of my mind on getting a little time to just be me was lifted.

Yet this respite of me time was tempered by my (stupid) wounded pride from the bike ride earlier in the day. I also knew that I would not to get to spend time with my guy of choice as he had other obligations, even though I still maintain he could have done both.  What do I know?  I slipped insidiously into a bit of reaction mode (a little understatement).

it's a mad mad mad mad world part 1...the bike ride

11/14/12 (Weds)  10:43pm itunes: Fleetwood Mac

How I start and end the days seem to be really different.  Some mornings I wake up and the day seems unstoppable. Other days...well I am spun out and angry. Even when I have had sleep this sometimes happens.  So weird.  Today, I was a bit spun and angry.  I had one hell of a hedonistic yet thought provoking weekend.  I am still trying to figure this crap out. Here we go...just gonna break it up into 3 or 4 entries.  I am seriously trying to process this stuff. My editing maybe rough.  I just want to get the thoughts down.

It started with the psychological death march of a bike ride on Friday morning.  My current love interest, yes, that guy, that I keep making reference to, that actually has a fucking name...that I can't seem to say on this blog...agreed to show me the way by bike to UCSD. It happens to be one of his favorite rides, or at least the gateway to his favorite bike rides.  I was so fucking nervous.  I went into this with my ocd already flaring up just with my anxious spin.  The stupid head games I can play with myself. The ever present mental masturbation. Could I keep up with him? Would I do something retarded on the bike, like forget to unclip and fucking fall over? Would I be able to climb every hill he might take me by? Would I just look like an idiot? So by the time he got to my house, i was shaking and could hardly eat the food I knew I needed to eat.  He was his usual day time removed. no hug no kiss. all business. the stupid fucking facade that i do battle with all to regularly. the facade that wants to be an island. My head was working overtime and we hadn't even left.  I did tell him I was super nervous.  He didn't realize that I was talking about riding with him.  I had to clarify.  I am not sure that he really got it.  Just the psychological pressure I put on myself in some ways doomed me.  Only at the beginning of the ride was I able to show the tiniest bit of confidence. Half way thru the ride I realized that in my anxiousness had left my water bottle on my kitchen counter.  Now I was just pissed off at myself.  That was stupid.  I needed the water.  My pride (which is stupid as well) wouldn't let me ask to slow down or stop. He spent a bunch of the ride ahead of me. To his credit, he wouldn't get too far out of sight. I spent most of the ride fighting stupid issues present in the relationship and my insecurities as a novice cyclist.  Only twice did I ask to stop for "just a quick minute." He was a gentleman and gave me his water bottle.  The day was cold and had rained the night/morning and sprinkled on us a tiny bit, but mostly was windy and cold.  I also felt like part of the ride we were going against a decent headwind. Note to self: I really need to do the ride to Coronado, down the strand just to get more experience riding in a headwind.  Anyways, I the time we get to Presidio (which I have spent the last few months working on being able to climb...) fredy says ok...are you ready? I am fucking spent! But what else can I say, but sure.  Then he tells me, we are gonna go up this side...i think it is easier.  well fuck me man. It was the other side of Presidio. The side I NEVER go up, even in my car.  Great.  I tell him...just go. I will meet you at the top.  I have NO way to gauge what my shifting/gears will need to be etc.  I am going into it pretty blind...again, not a good space for me mentally...I know that I will need to overcome this too, but not on this day, nor at this point when I have so many other things that I am working on to become more second nature to me on a bike.  He sets off, like a rocket to my eyes...and I put on beastie boys (which I like to climb to) and start up the hill.  a 1/4 of the way up my right calf cramped up hard.  I had been fighting with it on and off all ride and for the previous couple of days as well.  There was no way I was gonna be able to continue. I really felt like the best choice for my body but awful for the psyche was to get off the bike and walk the hill.  So I did.  My guy was laying on a person's lawn waiting for me.  I felt TOTALLY humiliated.  He asked if I was ok. I told him my leg cramped. I was ok.  More than anything my pride was wounded as this happened essentially in front of him.  We waited a little more and then he asked if I was ok to get home. I said yes (which was true). We got on our bikes and rode off.  I let him gain a big distance on me.  I rode my bike and cried, and I didn't want him to see me be that weak.  In Mission Hills there is a coffee shack.  He had stopped there and had bought a soda for him and me.  We sat and talked and drank the cold drinks.  Which felt good but started to make me really cold sitting in a bit of wind and shade.  We talked about kids. How he doesn't want to have any. How he regularly finds pretty much everybody annoying.  Including his mother. He talked about how his mom likes to be an island.  That sometimes she is more of an island than he is. I feel like he is trying to give me messages in these statements.  I sat there and listened. I watched him. I watched him look at a couple of girls.  I am not sure he was looking at them, but simply watching them pass by us.  I am not that naive to think he would not notice other women, but I know him well enough to see that I think it was him being aware of his environment and who is in it. The smile he had was not his real smile, but his public smile that he gives to so many when he is at work.  We then rode back through Hillcrest and over.  Basically both of us live off of Meade.  When we got to Illinois and Meade (where I live) he waved goodbye and rode down the street. I was PISSED. WTF???  WHATEVER! seriously what the fuck ever. I brought my bike upstairs, sat down, composed a text then promptly erased it.  I was too pissed. That would be no good.  I ended up telling him thank you and that it was my pride but more of my ocd that got the better of me.  Threw my phone down, turned up music stupid loud and cried. cried pretty hard too.  My head had won this fucking round.  It would take time to unravel this one.  Good thing I was going to have a childless weekend starting later that night.

Monday, November 5, 2012

dreams of the single minded.

11/05/12 @09:11pm listening to two cow garage on itunes

too much is in my head.
got to get rid of some of it.
so many thoughts just colliding with each other trying to get out.
it makes it hard to write a cohesive piece that makes sense outside of my cranium.

i love my bike.  my black and purple surly long haul trucker.  the bike keven built for me.  that bike keeps taking me farther and farther. keeps my legs spinning as fast as my brain and thoughts.  sometimes even the harder and faster I spin my legs, it seems to help turn down the volume of the thoughts. i try to watch out ahead of me. helps me to hold my line, but i am mesmerized by my front wheel going around and catching sight of my feet clipped in going around and around.  i have to force myself to not watch. i rode 37.5 miles the other day. i have climbed Torrey pines. i did 15 miles averaging 17 mph. i shaved a second off my flying 200 time at the track last week. i went from 18.8 sec down to 17.8 seconds.  getting closer to my 15 second goal. maybe by the time track season starts i will be even closer.  i sprint  down the cantilevered bridge in balboa park 3 or 4 times a week to improve sprint time. i actually am going to take a spin class to try to get better at sprinting and closing gaps on the track.  turns out i like going on long rides with other people.  i am hopefully going to go on a long ride again on Friday from normal heights to ucsd.  i am having a friend show me how to get there.  he is a strong rider. i am in love with him and scared that i will disappoint him with my bike skill.  we have not gone riding in a couple of years, not since dating. i hate ocd and perfectionism. i should not give a fuck, but i do.  my bike and riding it brings me a joy that i never expected. honestly sometimes after a hard ride and conquering a challenge, it has the same effect as really good sex.  guessing it is the endorphins.  i say humbly, i like what it is doing to my body.  i have never been this thin, this fit, this strong. i really like being strong.  every day i ride my bike and i climb some crappy hill, i keep telling myself...i have done harder and survived. i grew a child in me. i raise that child mostly alone.  i can climb a dumb ass fucking hill. and do it with style.  i now like how i look when i am wearing tight pants and a tight fitting tank top.  i like me physically.  i love my black and purple bad ass surly.

i am spread to thin. i have complications. i have frustrations. i need to once again work towards creating some change in this area. i have fear and sadness in coming to the decision to work towards changing this.  change will be good, but i have to acknowledge the negative/darker feelings i have about it.

yah. i am in love. i admit it. i believe he loves me too. it remains complicated. it is as clear as mud.  he has fear. he has concerns. some are valid. some belong to just him. some belong to both of us.  we are in this unknown phase. we broke up. we can't seem to stay apart. are we accepting that we do want to be together? why does this have to be so complicated? i long to say his name. i long to sleep on his shoulder. i want to lay in bed and whisper about our day.  i want to sleep to his soft rhythmic breathing. i want to fall asleep like we did a less than a week ago, with our lips together barely touching and breathing each others breath. i want to hear him say my name. i want to be on that moonlit beach standing wet and cold in our underwear from a magical swim in the freezing water kissing.  i want to be lost in that moment again. my fear is that he will simply freak out again, despite his love for me. i want him to feel confident and choose me.  i want to read Neruda and Plath aloud as a bed time story....

the rest:
i have never felt this secure living in my own skin.  i do not hate myself. i am realizing that multitasking sucks. i am fighting to live a life where i get to do one thing at a time.  my peace of mind is so much greater when i can achieve that way of being. it is challenging in this life in this world. answer the phone, do the work, have laundry going, dinner cooking, answering the child's needs, looking at texts and facebook, and not feel overwhelmed. working hard on not being angry, bitter and jealous.  trying to take steps to make change so those feelings can dissipate into the ethers.  think i am getting tired now that these thoughts have finally been pulled from the brain. sleep that hopefully will bring me dreams of fulfilled love and warm long bike rides to the ocean's edge.