Monday, November 5, 2012

dreams of the single minded.

11/05/12 @09:11pm listening to two cow garage on itunes

too much is in my head.
got to get rid of some of it.
so many thoughts just colliding with each other trying to get out.
it makes it hard to write a cohesive piece that makes sense outside of my cranium.

i love my bike.  my black and purple surly long haul trucker.  the bike keven built for me.  that bike keeps taking me farther and farther. keeps my legs spinning as fast as my brain and thoughts.  sometimes even the harder and faster I spin my legs, it seems to help turn down the volume of the thoughts. i try to watch out ahead of me. helps me to hold my line, but i am mesmerized by my front wheel going around and catching sight of my feet clipped in going around and around.  i have to force myself to not watch. i rode 37.5 miles the other day. i have climbed Torrey pines. i did 15 miles averaging 17 mph. i shaved a second off my flying 200 time at the track last week. i went from 18.8 sec down to 17.8 seconds.  getting closer to my 15 second goal. maybe by the time track season starts i will be even closer.  i sprint  down the cantilevered bridge in balboa park 3 or 4 times a week to improve sprint time. i actually am going to take a spin class to try to get better at sprinting and closing gaps on the track.  turns out i like going on long rides with other people.  i am hopefully going to go on a long ride again on Friday from normal heights to ucsd.  i am having a friend show me how to get there.  he is a strong rider. i am in love with him and scared that i will disappoint him with my bike skill.  we have not gone riding in a couple of years, not since dating. i hate ocd and perfectionism. i should not give a fuck, but i do.  my bike and riding it brings me a joy that i never expected. honestly sometimes after a hard ride and conquering a challenge, it has the same effect as really good sex.  guessing it is the endorphins.  i say humbly, i like what it is doing to my body.  i have never been this thin, this fit, this strong. i really like being strong.  every day i ride my bike and i climb some crappy hill, i keep telling myself...i have done harder and survived. i grew a child in me. i raise that child mostly alone.  i can climb a dumb ass fucking hill. and do it with style.  i now like how i look when i am wearing tight pants and a tight fitting tank top.  i like me physically.  i love my black and purple bad ass surly.

i am spread to thin. i have complications. i have frustrations. i need to once again work towards creating some change in this area. i have fear and sadness in coming to the decision to work towards changing this.  change will be good, but i have to acknowledge the negative/darker feelings i have about it.

yah. i am in love. i admit it. i believe he loves me too. it remains complicated. it is as clear as mud.  he has fear. he has concerns. some are valid. some belong to just him. some belong to both of us.  we are in this unknown phase. we broke up. we can't seem to stay apart. are we accepting that we do want to be together? why does this have to be so complicated? i long to say his name. i long to sleep on his shoulder. i want to lay in bed and whisper about our day.  i want to sleep to his soft rhythmic breathing. i want to fall asleep like we did a less than a week ago, with our lips together barely touching and breathing each others breath. i want to hear him say my name. i want to be on that moonlit beach standing wet and cold in our underwear from a magical swim in the freezing water kissing.  i want to be lost in that moment again. my fear is that he will simply freak out again, despite his love for me. i want him to feel confident and choose me.  i want to read Neruda and Plath aloud as a bed time story....

the rest:
i have never felt this secure living in my own skin.  i do not hate myself. i am realizing that multitasking sucks. i am fighting to live a life where i get to do one thing at a time.  my peace of mind is so much greater when i can achieve that way of being. it is challenging in this life in this world. answer the phone, do the work, have laundry going, dinner cooking, answering the child's needs, looking at texts and facebook, and not feel overwhelmed. working hard on not being angry, bitter and jealous.  trying to take steps to make change so those feelings can dissipate into the ethers.  think i am getting tired now that these thoughts have finally been pulled from the brain. sleep that hopefully will bring me dreams of fulfilled love and warm long bike rides to the ocean's edge.

1 comment:

  1. Keep breathing and keep pedaling. Each pedal stroke is a moment of Zen. Each moment of Zen brings us closer to some level of clarity. The mind is refreshed with sweat and the sensation of burning muscles.

    I never felt anything resembling a sense of pride or comfort with my body until I began cycling- it was at that time that my super skinny body (I was 12) was a benefit, not a liability.

    Cycling is a powerful drug... it's ok to get addicted.

    And we'll eventually ride together... sprinters have to watch out for each other.