Wednesday, November 14, 2012

it's a mad mad mad mad world part 1...the bike ride

11/14/12 (Weds)  10:43pm itunes: Fleetwood Mac

How I start and end the days seem to be really different.  Some mornings I wake up and the day seems unstoppable. Other days...well I am spun out and angry. Even when I have had sleep this sometimes happens.  So weird.  Today, I was a bit spun and angry.  I had one hell of a hedonistic yet thought provoking weekend.  I am still trying to figure this crap out. Here we go...just gonna break it up into 3 or 4 entries.  I am seriously trying to process this stuff. My editing maybe rough.  I just want to get the thoughts down.

It started with the psychological death march of a bike ride on Friday morning.  My current love interest, yes, that guy, that I keep making reference to, that actually has a fucking name...that I can't seem to say on this blog...agreed to show me the way by bike to UCSD. It happens to be one of his favorite rides, or at least the gateway to his favorite bike rides.  I was so fucking nervous.  I went into this with my ocd already flaring up just with my anxious spin.  The stupid head games I can play with myself. The ever present mental masturbation. Could I keep up with him? Would I do something retarded on the bike, like forget to unclip and fucking fall over? Would I be able to climb every hill he might take me by? Would I just look like an idiot? So by the time he got to my house, i was shaking and could hardly eat the food I knew I needed to eat.  He was his usual day time removed. no hug no kiss. all business. the stupid fucking facade that i do battle with all to regularly. the facade that wants to be an island. My head was working overtime and we hadn't even left.  I did tell him I was super nervous.  He didn't realize that I was talking about riding with him.  I had to clarify.  I am not sure that he really got it.  Just the psychological pressure I put on myself in some ways doomed me.  Only at the beginning of the ride was I able to show the tiniest bit of confidence. Half way thru the ride I realized that in my anxiousness had left my water bottle on my kitchen counter.  Now I was just pissed off at myself.  That was stupid.  I needed the water.  My pride (which is stupid as well) wouldn't let me ask to slow down or stop. He spent a bunch of the ride ahead of me. To his credit, he wouldn't get too far out of sight. I spent most of the ride fighting stupid issues present in the relationship and my insecurities as a novice cyclist.  Only twice did I ask to stop for "just a quick minute." He was a gentleman and gave me his water bottle.  The day was cold and had rained the night/morning and sprinkled on us a tiny bit, but mostly was windy and cold.  I also felt like part of the ride we were going against a decent headwind. Note to self: I really need to do the ride to Coronado, down the strand just to get more experience riding in a headwind.  Anyways, I the time we get to Presidio (which I have spent the last few months working on being able to climb...) fredy says ok...are you ready? I am fucking spent! But what else can I say, but sure.  Then he tells me, we are gonna go up this side...i think it is easier.  well fuck me man. It was the other side of Presidio. The side I NEVER go up, even in my car.  Great.  I tell him...just go. I will meet you at the top.  I have NO way to gauge what my shifting/gears will need to be etc.  I am going into it pretty blind...again, not a good space for me mentally...I know that I will need to overcome this too, but not on this day, nor at this point when I have so many other things that I am working on to become more second nature to me on a bike.  He sets off, like a rocket to my eyes...and I put on beastie boys (which I like to climb to) and start up the hill.  a 1/4 of the way up my right calf cramped up hard.  I had been fighting with it on and off all ride and for the previous couple of days as well.  There was no way I was gonna be able to continue. I really felt like the best choice for my body but awful for the psyche was to get off the bike and walk the hill.  So I did.  My guy was laying on a person's lawn waiting for me.  I felt TOTALLY humiliated.  He asked if I was ok. I told him my leg cramped. I was ok.  More than anything my pride was wounded as this happened essentially in front of him.  We waited a little more and then he asked if I was ok to get home. I said yes (which was true). We got on our bikes and rode off.  I let him gain a big distance on me.  I rode my bike and cried, and I didn't want him to see me be that weak.  In Mission Hills there is a coffee shack.  He had stopped there and had bought a soda for him and me.  We sat and talked and drank the cold drinks.  Which felt good but started to make me really cold sitting in a bit of wind and shade.  We talked about kids. How he doesn't want to have any. How he regularly finds pretty much everybody annoying.  Including his mother. He talked about how his mom likes to be an island.  That sometimes she is more of an island than he is. I feel like he is trying to give me messages in these statements.  I sat there and listened. I watched him. I watched him look at a couple of girls.  I am not sure he was looking at them, but simply watching them pass by us.  I am not that naive to think he would not notice other women, but I know him well enough to see that I think it was him being aware of his environment and who is in it. The smile he had was not his real smile, but his public smile that he gives to so many when he is at work.  We then rode back through Hillcrest and over.  Basically both of us live off of Meade.  When we got to Illinois and Meade (where I live) he waved goodbye and rode down the street. I was PISSED. WTF???  WHATEVER! seriously what the fuck ever. I brought my bike upstairs, sat down, composed a text then promptly erased it.  I was too pissed. That would be no good.  I ended up telling him thank you and that it was my pride but more of my ocd that got the better of me.  Threw my phone down, turned up music stupid loud and cried. cried pretty hard too.  My head had won this fucking round.  It would take time to unravel this one.  Good thing I was going to have a childless weekend starting later that night.

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