11/14/12 (Weds) 11:30pm Itunes: Two Gallants, The Throes
Recently I called Jay. I told him I needed help. Period. End of story. I NEED FUCKING HELP! I need something of a life that is mine for a few moments where I don't have to be Mama. My family is wonderful and awesome, but I need a break. A regular break. A break where I don't feel guilty. Funny thing is that Thurston can stay with my parents, but I live that time feeling constantly like a left shoe is going to drop at any moment. Pretty much I feel the same with all of my family when it comes to watching Thurston. Never really does anybody watch Thurston without having to give me some sort of negative report when I pick him up. That does not make it easier for me to ask for help or feel comfortable leaving him pretty much anywhere. With that said, about people I trust deeply, I actually have a bigger comfort zone with Jay and Thurston despite Jay's lack of participation for the last 3 years.
I told Jay that I could not expect my family to pick up the pieces that he really needed to hold. Reluctantly he agreed to try to keep Thurston for a couple of nights in a row. As it turned out, the first weekend was to be this past one. I told Jay that the car would with go with Thurston. Jay only has motorcycles and scooters. He could have the car for the time Thurston is with him. I have been riding my bike so much and my social life revolves around all areas I can easily bike around, it is a no brainer of a choice.
Jay met me at the apartment. We would swap vehicles at that point. Jay and i were going to pick up Thurston together from school. It gave me and Jay a few minutes to go over a few things. Including some "nervousness" that Thurston had had in the morning. Thurston was ecstastic to see Jay walk in with me. They dropped me off at the apartment. It had stopped raining again, and looked like it was going to stay that way for a couple of hours. So me and my bike could be on the prowl.
To the best of my knowledge, Thurston and Jay had a good weekend. I, in turn, knew that Jay would call me if I was needed, but in this situation, I trust him. He is the Father of my child. He held and fed Thurston as a completely helpless and dependent baby. He did so with kindness and love. The fear he could overcome. He would again. I know my child is safe with his Father. To Jay's credit, there was NO negative reports. Nothing about his sleep habits, eating habits, allergies or moods. Nothing about how it was more than what he could do or that it was too long or that he had other things to take care of. I am grateful for that. What was in theory a trial weekend was successful. I have more weekends coming to me now as well. The weight off of my mind on getting a little time to just be me was lifted.
Yet this respite of me time was tempered by my (stupid) wounded pride from the bike ride earlier in the day. I also knew that I would not to get to spend time with my guy of choice as he had other obligations, even though I still maintain he could have done both. What do I know? I slipped insidiously into a bit of reaction mode (a little understatement).