Thursday, November 15, 2012

it's a mad mad mad mad world, part 3 -reevaluating love

11/15/12 (Thurs) 6:50am itunes: Bon Iver, For Emma, Forever Ago.

I had to sleep. This part of my weekend remains the heaviest for my tired mind.  I know that if my love relationships are not complicated then I seem to have little or no interest. I deeply realized this recently.  I do not know why this is.  I know why I am attracted to certain men with certain traits, why I have been the person who is attracted to people who need to be saved.  With that said the last 2 men I have chosen....don't need to be saved and are in many ways very different choices for myself than all the other men in my past.  Why do I need, want, crave complicated? Why?  Do I fear boredom? Do I fear happiness? Is it my karma or destiny? I simply do not know those answers yet.  I get on my bike and ride and try to see if I can find those answers lingering in an unexplored part of my brain trying to hide in between song lyrics.

Friday night. I was tired from the ride. Disappointed with myself for what felt like a failure in front of the person I find most important. I was hurt by the lack of affection from him and what felt (and still unresolved) this withdrawing from me and what might be and us (on that day and for the weekend). My son was gone with his father. I was on my own. I had no place to be. It was entirely up to me.  I reacted to my day.  I got a bottle of bourbon, and couple of bottles of ginger ale and headed to Brooklyn Bikes to hang out with Chris.  I did not know where my night was going to take me, and I did not care.  At the very least, I could hang out with my friend.  He had rejected me so severely 3 years ago and now we seem to be even closer than what we were before.  We hang out. We laugh. We drink.  It came back to my place.  We watched Meaning of Life. I cooked a very late night dinner. We watched Top Gear.  We laughed and drank more.  I fell asleep curled up next to my friend that I had been so deeply deeply in love with.  The person that I loved so severely that when it did not go where I wanted it to go...I thought my world would end, I would never know love and passion again. The intensity of my love for Chris was the kind I had never experienced before.  Then I found myself laying on my couch, watching movies, curled up with my friend,  and all I can wish for is my current love.

Did I mention that the guy before my current love started texting me again on Thursday? the guy I easily could have fallen for deeply and had hoped for a relationship with? the guy who freaked the fuck out on me? with no real explanation, just shitty hurtful phrases to try to push me away.  His texts from Thursday thru last night are remarkably like the kind of texts when he first pursued me and when we started dating.  I have very very mixed feelings about this.  trust being a huge component here.  even with in simply the capacity of a friendship....Then to make this even weirder...in discussing this recent set of events involving Jimmy with Chris, I find out from Chris that I am the third woman they have both have in common (dating/sexually).  When Chris told me this, I am pretty sure the back of my head exploded.  It shouldn't have. San Diego can be a small town in this way.  I have maintained for some time now that my business is not done with Chris and these other 2 men.  What that means,  I could not tell you, but simply a gut feeling (yes insert devo song here lol).  That has not changed.  I have no way of knowing if Jimmy really intends for anything other than friendship.  I really don't.  All I can do is try to be careful and take care of myself in all of this.

As to my current love, my feelings of love have not changed.  What is changing is my willingness to remain quiet and patient to let him process through what he needs to process.  I am exhausted trying to figure out where I stand with him and in his life.  I want him to choose me and choose me confidently.  I do not believe in ultimatums.  They never achieve what you hope they will.  To tell him to make a choice will do no good.  It is I who will have to make a choice, when I am ready to do so.  I am still not ready.  Yes, part of all of this is the fear that I will not like what will happen if I push him.  It does not take intuition to tell me that. It is experience.  I try to figure out how to ask even just one question that I feel like I need to ask him to put myself back on some stable ground.

There have been other men in the last 3 years, but these three are the ones that somehow I feel so tied to on a cosmic scale.  It sounds stupid, corny, whatever derogatory phrase you want to place in lieu of "god damn hippy bullshit." For me, it still remains.  I hate that the only control that i possess is the the control of ending all of it with everybody.  That feels like an ultimatum to them and to me.

I want love. I want to sit and watch movies and laugh with the person I am in love with.  I want to make dinner for that person. I want to sleep at night curled up with him, and not another because of a sense of rejection and need for affection and acceptance.  The game of love is gut wrenching.  I second guess all my words, needs and intuition.  I worry that I will drive all of them off. I continue to sit with much to say in my head analyzing whether or not what I have to say is real, fair, and worthy.  I worry that if I do say what I feel like needs to be said, the timing maybe wrong.  I hate fear, yet I possess it in love.  I have only deeply fallen in love 4 times.  Andy, Jay, Chris and current love.  So different are all of these loves.  2 of these 4 rejected me. I do not know where any of this takes me. Like I said, I am still working on these thoughts. What is real? What is reaction? What next step will I take? Can I do this without going back to a space of hating myself, because that place is so comfortable and I have so much control there?  I don't think I want to go back there.  So I am going to have to live with the unknown, the fear and the ever present lack of control...and believe in myself...

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