Monday, December 16, 2013

talking 19 seconds behind


i feel completely disconnected from my life and my body.  this has been going for several days running.  started on friday and has continued on through now (which it would seem is now early monday). it has been one of those weekends where nothing seemed to really "work."  it should in theory.  it has been a segment in time where i suspect the lesson is to simply "let go."  no matter what i did, it all felt as if it was a hundred times harder than what it should be or what i have known it to be.  everything dropped.  everything went just enough wrong to be annoying. or hurt myself in every task in some small way (like pricking my fingers repeatedly with a needle).  i woke up this morning even more out of sync. it was like watching a Godzilla movie with the soundtrack trailing 19 seconds behind.  funny...that was the problem that was making me crazy friday night when i was watching the movie Donnie Darko for the first time.  i thought maybe i was just sleepy or groggy.  three shots of espresso later i was even more out of sync.  in fact, i thought maybe my brain wanted me to go horizontal as it felt like i was standing at a strange angle.  my hands and brain simply were not working together.
i had a bad migraine on thursday.  i wonder if that plays into this?  i know the migraine had been stress related.  it had been so bad that my vision in my right eye diminished severely.  anxiety elevated for several days as well. i got nothing accomplished this weekend that i really felt i needed to get done.  everybody else's needs came first.  at least i did manage to work a bike ride in yesterday that was solely for me. going to try to force sleep.  maybe my brain can reboot and the anxiety will calm and my hands and brain will decide to be friends again.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

My Morning Commute

I know that living in Southern California it is nearly impossible to not have to commute in some fashion to work.  I do.  I go from Normal Heights to UCSD/La Jolla.  Typically it is only about a 10-15 minute drive with no/little traffic.  Most mornings however it takes about 30 minutes and on bad traffic days it can take just under an hour (this is rare...like 1-2x per month).  I far prefer traffic in my morning commute rather than in my evening commute.  I am far less stressed about time constraints in my morning commute, instead of my evening when I feel like I am racing against a clock.

I am a creature of habit, said it before and it doesn't seem to change.  I drop Thurston at school, go to Twiggs and get an iced coffee with almond milk and head to work.  My morning commute is the rare 1/2 hour that I get everyday to be alone.  I get to listen to whatever music without considering anybody else.  I get to run through my previous day.  I get to try to find words to match up with the experiences I have in my daily life.  I watch the clouds moving along the coast.  I get to see the sun play on the various olive green canyon hills that run along the sides of the 2 freeways I travel upon.  I get to see Presidio Mission in a variety of sun light and weather.  My mind gets to wander free.

Although I do not miss being unemployed or partially unemployed, I do, however, miss the time I had on a regular basis to just sit in Twiggs and write.  I miss that catharsis. I guess I am trying to cram that into 1/2 hour a day in my car...problem...don't get to write it down while driving.

Today I found myself listening to the same song over and over.  Not uncommon when I feel like a song is speaking to me.  Today it was "Them Shoes" by Patrick Sweany.  I had been listening to the radio (to try to get a read on traffic) as I sat waiting to turn right onto Texas Street.  Sudden and massive anxiety attack hit me.  I just wanted to turn around, go home, grab my journal and go plant myself at Twiggs for the next 3 hours. I told myself it would pass.  I have to follow through on my day and the responsibilities that it brings.  Nothing bad has happened.  I just kept telling myself that over the radio.  I thought, well shit, maybe the radio is not helping, so quickly, while still at a stop light, put on Grooveshark on my phone and Them Shoes was the song up.  I started breathing easier again.  I knew the anxiety would start to pass.

I was able then to let my thoughts wander again.  I returned to the clouds. Pondered the rain moving through San Diego.  The day isn't completely dark and these clouds with the sun behind them have a luminous quality.  Today's clouds are the cottony type clouds that look full of water and life.  I wanted to take a picture to be able to send to Melanie, but always a super dicey prospect when driving in shitty morning traffic...so no picture occurred.

Thought of Chris and time together last night. The things we talked about. How I struggle in the moment with intense emotion and my ability to express it.  How when I can't,  it ends up leaking out of my eyes.  I thought of how my life has evolved radically in the last year in the arenas of love and work.  How I continue to be blown away from the evolution of my relationship with Chris.  How alive I do feel and how shocked I am that it comes from being in love.

I thought about the word "cunt."  It seems to me that a couple of years ago I read a very funny piece about that word.  Although for the life of me I can't think about where or when I read it or what it really said.  I had a fleeting though of trying to search for it on the Internet.  Decided that might be a bit of a time burglar and perhaps it could be reserved for another moment in time.

I thought about how dreamy I feel today rather than awake and ready to attack my day.  How a leisurely long bike ride would be awesome but not so much in really cold, damp morning weather.  Maybe closer to 1pm instead?  Would I wear that new warm long sleeve jersey I got at the Veloswap?  Probably.

Well, you can see how my thoughts go around and in all of it trying to find the words to describe what I see and how I feel.  I do miss that unadulterated time to have my ipod playing and writing with little distraction.  Hmmm. Now just at work and realizing that I have a bunch of stuff to get done.

The distractions have taken over the brain.....

http://youtu.be/e_Jgn7_MEYY

Link is if you wanted to hear the song "Them Shoes" by Patrick Sweany

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

evol*love

This post probably should just be an entry for my private journal rather than this public journal. At the same time, I am at work, clearly avoiding much of it, sitting here at my desk attempting ever since i woke up this morning, to process the span of emotion racing through my brain.  I need to write and see what comes out of my fingers to get a grasp on my emotion in times like this.  I need to be able to try to get work done, so I need to put the thoughts down.

Last night, by most standards, may have, from the outside, looked normal or calm or low key.  Except it didn't feel that way in my heart and brain.  The day felt mostly like I was running at a frenetic pace just to get to 11 pm and the dark of my room and the company of Chris.  In all the frenetic feelings, I wasn't even convinced that I would even get to that 11 pm timeline.

I thought maybe he would go home instead of stay with me last night.  Still at 6 pm I felt unsure.  The possibility of him leaving always creates deep anxiety for me.  I know he will come back. I know that the time away is not a bad thing.  I just have this intense separation anxiety that I struggle to control.  Then there is the texting. I always am curious who he is texting intensely with. Yet I refuse to ask him or pry or be nosy.  I just can't do it; that too makes me anxious.  I wish I didn't always feel this kind of anxiety all the time over these small things.  I try to tell myself to knock it off, but it harder than it might seem.  My anxiety upsets my stomach, creates intrusive thoughts that in turn become panic and I turn to compulsions to try to gain control of the thoughts, often involving tears.  This sucks. It makes me feel like I look and behave over emotionally with deep insecurities.  There are times when the insecurities are real, but as time goes by, I continue to trust Chris more and more and know that those insecurities are not real (in addition to my personal growth and self esteem change the dynamic of the insecurities).

Those two issues preyed on my psyche until I got back from picking up Thurston from school & Richie & Monica for dinner.  It was then I realized Chris was not leaving.  My mind sighed a breath of relief.  My mini personal Thanksgiving was going to go forward with me a little less anxious.  I never did find out who Chris was texting with, but I have just let it be.  I am more confident of our relationship. I believe we both are entitled to our friendships and the confidences within them. I can be stronger than my anxious weak moments.

Dinner was wonderful. The comfort of my home warm and smelling like food and freshly baked bread. The cats happy lounging around belly up.  Music, talking, laughing. Living in the moment, not wishing for it to pass quickly so the next one can happen.

Then I got to 11 pm.

The sleepiness
laying on the edge of my bed
watching what is funny
laughing
feeling like i said something wrong
my instant apology
this time
his request for no apology
telling me one of the reasons for his love of me
the tears that it still brings to my eyes
touching the end of my nose
smoothing my hair
simply being so close that our eyes barely have to be open
yet looking into them
more talking
more love
more respect
more trust
more understanding
more freedom to say anything
more more more love
being mentally and physically connected
amazement and knowing it in the moment
to know what it means to be loved
and even more, to be loved by him.

he continues to blow my mind away.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

I have no idea what to name this post.

There is only so many times a person can reference  brain dump or jumbles of thoughts in blog post titles.  As I mentioned a couple of entries ago, I have so many thoughts running around in my head. It is hard to either pick one to discuss or even to feel comfortable discussing some of what is going on.  Mostly I am consumed with thinking about Thurston.  He has been struggling a bit of late.  It is in my nature to take this as a reflection of me and of my parenting, and not in a positive way.  Yet I argue with myself that thought process seems like a supremely arrogant position to take. I know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Whether my OCD is nature or nurture, Thurston, being raised pretty exclusively by me as a single mom, does not mitigate either pathway to him.  All of this brings up reoccurring thoughts of how I am doing this (parenting) pretty much alone.  For the sake of clarity, that comment is related to Jay rather than all my wonderful family and friends who reach out to me and try to help and support me on a very regular basis. It is not in the calm times but the times of challenge and worry that I realize how I carry this responsibility exclusively, rather than a shared challenge with the other parent.  I am really grateful for all the wonderful advice and support my family is giving to me while Thurston and I figure out what is going on and how to make it better for him.  I know that Jay loves his son. I know that he wants what is best for him, but remains removed.  I have known this for a long time, but it is these moments when I have those painful realizations of how alone I felt much of the time when I was in that relationship.  I don't think I can get away from past experiences and thinking about them in context of new experiences, especially when they seem so strikingly different.  I think it might be good to recognize those differences, as long as it doesn't lead me to an angry or overly critical space.  

More that I am grateful for:
1. Mexican food
2, Twinkly Christmas lights that I have hanging in my windows year round.
3. Water
4. The feeling that for the first time in a really long time...I am not doing this alone.
5. The huge banyan tree in Balboa Park.
6. For that matter....Balboa Park.
7. Chris' beard. Amazingly it is not scratchy but pretty darn soft.
8. Clean underwear
9. Architecture and Design Websites
10. To be alive.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

trying to find the words

Have you ever had somebody or a group of friends in your life that makes you feel a sense of love that you have never known?  I am a truly lucky (blessed) person to know this.  I have been trying to find the words to express the connection and love that I have found with people outside of my biological family.  I am not sure that I will be able to find those words to describe the love we give each other that can express the depth of emotion that I possess for them.

These are the people who make you feel the absolute best about yourself.
The people who can look at you and you them and understand.
The people who you would walk the ends of the earth for.
The people who you would take a bullet for.
The people who know the ridiculous laughing fits and find joy, love and laughter in them with you.
The people where you can express your most innermost esoteric thoughts and they respond in kind.
The people where they can fall asleep in your bed or on your couch and their sleeping countenance brings you comfort.
The people who know they can be there for you through anything. And you them.
The people that you will believe in until the end of time.
The people that can challenge you, help you to grow or see from another perspective, but never, ever make you feel that in that moment that their love ever waivers.
The people whom you can look in the eyes and feel the core of who they are and the beauty of it moves you to tears.

These are the people to cherish, hold close, and tell every day that you love.
Our time is finite. Yet we are still here today.  Make the most of that love and friendship in all your days. I have no idea where I would be without these people.  They make my life brighter and more beautiful for their presence.

More of what I will be daily and eternally grateful for:
1. Blake
2. Chemynne
3. Daena
4. Gordon
5. Melanie
6. Diana
7. Patrick
8.. Jay
9. Chris
10. Leah
11. Oliver
12. Richie
13. Breezy
14. Courtney
15. Jen
16. Charlie

*Note for my biological family...this post was specifically meant for those not related to me...Please know that you hold a different space in my heart that no one can ever touch.
**Note for my many friends who will read this...these people listed have been an intense part of my life for a very long time.  Some of you over time will be on this list, it is not meant to say that some friendships are more valuable than others, simply that my connection with these people have spanned (in one case) up to 40 years.  I repeat something here that I have said over and over...if I have told you once that I love you...it stands for all time.


Thursday, November 7, 2013

bit of brain jumble

So I broke the challenge I was attempting to do.  30 days of writing.  Sleep got in the way of this. Damn you new allergy/asthma medication!! My last couple of days have been those kind of days where you are doing everything you can, just to get to bed to be able to close your eyes for  a little bit and hope that you can catch up the next day. Learning that it is ok to vacuum the floor the next day.  I have a great deal going on in my head, and hopefully I will write about each of them as this week/end  flow by.

Even though I have not been on top of the writing, I have however made sure I got bike rides in.  I had until about 2 months ago riding very regularly and the length of my rides had (as planned) been getting longer and longer in anticipation of completing a "century."  Then, more than full time work put that on the back burner.  A couple of weeks ago, my work load dropped down (ie I stopped working one of my million jobs...mon).  I decided instead of focusing on the lack of money, I was going to try to see what was positive about gaining 10-12 hours a week back. I thought, Ok, I can try to carve out some of that time to ride my bike regularly again.  Riding my bike regularly helps control my OCD, keeps me calmer when dealing with Thurston (or other challenging situations), and helps me look a way that I want to look physically and in essence, improves my self esteem.  I like that I am outside in sun and not looking at a monitor, but looking at what is wonderful in the world around me.  Even though I have ridden my bike the last 2 months, it has not been with any consistency.  I worried it would be harder than what it has been to get back in the saddle.  More than anything, I realized I allowed myself to put this activity at #2 on the priorities list.  I have done this most of my life.  The things I need most...get relegated to the back burner due to other seemingly more important priorities.  I fall into the easy habit of..."I have so much to do...just this time..." but in reality it never is "just this time."  The precarious balance of responsibility and selfishness.  So now for 2 weeks, I have been back on my bike.  I am easing myself back in.  My allergies and asthma have been very bad for a month now, and I have been to the Doctor.  We are reworking my medications.  I keep reminding myself that I didn't stop riding for 2 years...simply 2 months of non regular riding.  All of it will come back and quicker than what I think it might.  Indeed this seems to be the case.  My biggest issue is my breathing. Even if I had continued riding, because of the santa anas and the allergy triggers...I might have had the same breathing issues regardless.  So onward and forward.  Rode Monday, rode today and get to do a longer ride tomorrow, which I am really looking forward to.  I have a route in mind already.

More things I am grateful for:
1) Enduring friendships through good and bad times
2) Support given and received from the basis of trust, love and respect
3) The wide range of experiences my siblings have and the advice they give based on those experiences.
4) Asthma Inhalers
5) How Thurston out of what seems nowhere tells me "I love you, Mama"
6) Learning from adversity
7) Tater Tots
8) Green Tea
9) The way sunlight falls on walls and filters through trees in Autumn.
10) The Ould Sod on Adams Ave.



Monday, November 4, 2013

Blurting out

I do not know if I have it in me tonight to write.
I am more awake than I care to be. It isn't that late, honestly.
I am mostly irritated with myself and feeling frustrated.
I can't seem to dispel those feelings and it sets me into the arena of compulsions.
I am attempting to ward those off as well.

I ended up blurting out a diatribe today that I had intended to write as a personal letter.
In general,  it is better for me to communicate through written word.
Rather than blurting my non linear thoughts that goes to places that I don't always want exposed, or presented in a way that I didn't want to have happen.

Frustrated at how this day has looked NOTHING like what I had wanted it to look like.
I need to let go of that crap, but it gets under my skin and just pisses me off and I struggle to just shake it off and my mind goes to the space where I feel like I have control (no matter how much of an illusion that actually is).

So I lay here and find myself in my mental compulsions with tears running down my face.
Not super psyched on that.  Makes me feel weak minded. Trying to change that....so here I am writing when I am still not sure that this really has any kind of purpose.

So now I write even more personal than I really desire to let out, but I NEED something to do.
My eyes are tired. I wish I had a book that has captivated my imagination and I simply can't get enough of it, but it has been a while since that has happened.  So instead I am playing itunes dj and trying to write my thoughts.  It has been said to me that grateful people have a higher chance of greater happiness....so even though I feel a bit cynical and frustrated tonight...here we go

More stuff I am grateful for:
1) Kate Bush
2) Tom Waits
3) My Bikes
4) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
5) The San Diego Sanitation Dept.
6) Goth Kids
7) A stiff drink
8) Handmade Pottery
9) A well crafted story
10) Being able to lay my face on Chris' arm with his other arm wrapped around me before I have to get up.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Sunday Evening after daylight savings.

I sit here on my bedroom floor and I am listening to a mix of music I have put together for the senior Rabbi at the synagogue. Despite age difference (reminder to never judge a book by it's cover), we both seem to enjoy much of the same music from bluegrass influence to the modern folk movement.  With both Thurston and Chris asleep, I am afforded the quiet night time house.

Yesterday I noticed an acquaintance on Facebook is doing this whole "30 days of gratitude" thing. I also noticed a good friend who blogs accepting to do a "blog each day for 30 days" challenge.  I really like both of these ideas.  Especially the 30 day blog challenge.  I think, for me, it is more like...writing every day for 30 days whether it is my blog or a long letter or in my private journal.  I write pretty regularly, but it is what I consider secondary on the daily life clock (at this time)....writing gets relegated to #2 slot along with riding my bike (makes me kinda sad & wish I was independently wealthy).

I think I am finally starting to get a little bit of my life back that has slipped away since starting at the synagogue full time in July.  Between the synagogue and the bike shop, I just was super tired and felt as if my time was for everybody else but myself. All I was interested in doing was being at home with Chris watching movies (which isn't a bad thing, but I have regularly had a hard time keeping my eyes open to watch a whole moving in an evening).  

Just 2 weeks ago, I worked my last day at Adams Ave. Bicycles.  I was so sad, but now I am realizing that I really needed to restructure my time even if that means less money.  I am still trying to get the financial piece together, but getting closer each day.  I now have some breathing room in time.  I am riding my bike again and simply  do not feel exhausted every night and  therefore I have been able to write again.  I prefer to write for my blog at night after my world has shut down.  It is the time for me to collect all my random thoughts and various conversations with myself and others.  Writing being my way to process.

All that said...going to try to write everyday again (and include something each time which I am grateful for).  Trying to bring some balance back to my life (yes...tipping my hat to you Diana Griffin).

List of some of what I am grateful for:
1) Thurston (the greatest & most beautiful creative endeavour I could have ever done)
2) Chris (this one has brought me so much joy and laughter in the last couple of months)
3) My biological family
4) My chosen family
5) My ridiculous cats (Nacho, Snape & Moxisaurus)
6) For my green super fuzzy blanket & special socks (made for me by my sister Rachel) for when it cools down
7) All the music I get to listen to all the time
8) The food I can buy and cook
9) Working with some of the nicest people that I care deeply about
10) My health

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Coming Home

It was a party night. That is for certain.
Chris was showing me around his house in the middle of a party.
I had felt nervous. I had felt anxious.
I was terrified of rejection, but those were not the things I found.
I had been so lost during that time. More change than what I could cope with.
I barely knew up from down.
We had simply been talking.
He was telling me about airplane models he had built.
Then in a rare moment of confidence I actually looked him in the eyes.
I had no idea what I was doing, or even why given the intensity of my personal insecurities and demons.

Yet I did look.

In that moment, I looked in his eyes and he returned the gaze.
I really do not know how long it was for.
It could have been 5 seconds or 25 minutes.

Time had stopped.

In this suspended time I fell in love.
I felt connected to another human.
I did not feel alone.

I was lost in time but found home.

That was more than four years ago.
I have held onto this memory and love.
At long last that moment has come to full fruition.
We are finally ready.
Only tonight after so many years, I told Chris of this crucial memory.
In the dark, he put his hand on my face.
We looked in each others eyes.

Once again I have come home.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

This Woman

This woman was brilliant.
This woman exposed me to William Morris.
This woman introduced me to ayurvedic soap.
This woman took me to Neal's Yard and Covent Garden.
This woman  changed the landscape and definition of beauty through art for me.
This woman was complex.
This woman struggled and some of those times never needed to be.
This woman was the first to tell me that I am smarter and more educated than I ever gave myself credit for.
This woman loved to cook.
This woman loved to cook with me and I with her.
This woman believed in the food I made for her and others.
This woman loved to watch period piece movies just like me.
This woman went to extremes.
This woman took care of me at a time when I needed it.
This woman loved and appreciated the finer things of life.
This woman taught me how to love gardening.
This woman brought into the world two people I could not imagine my life without.
This woman allowed herself to be a martyr too much of the time.
This woman expressed her artistic sensibility in ways that I could connect with.
This woman was secretive.
This woman was charismatic.
This woman had so many amazing adventures that were a joy to hear her recount.
This woman wanted to be heard.
This woman was lonely.
This woman was a force to be reckoned with.
This woman was committed.
This woman was infuriating
This woman was beautiful.
This woman will be missed.


Yitgadal veyitkadash shemei raba be'alma di vera chir'utei,
veyamlich malchutei bechayechon uveyomeichon uvechayei
dechol beit Yisrael, ba'agala uvizman kariv, ve'imeru Amen.
Yehei shemei raba mevarach le'alam ule'almei almaya
Yitbarach veyishtaback veyitpa'ar veyitroman, veyitnasei,
veyithadar, veyitaleh, veyithala shemai dekudesha, berich hu,
le'ela min kol birechata veshirata, tushbechata
venechemata da'amiran be'alma, ve'imeru Amen.
Yehei shelama raba min shemaya vechayim, aleinu ve'alkol
Yisrael, veimeru Amen.
Oseh shalom bimromav, hu ya'seh shalom aleinu ve'al
kol Yisrael, ve'imeru Amen.




Sunday, September 22, 2013

Living my surreal dream

Love, Trust, Need, Desire, Codependent, Independent

All of those words are deeply weighted in our society and further in our own heads.  God forbid you even try to sort out what those mean to you individually or even more complicated, within a relationship.

Previous entries have talked of my thoughts on love.

Trust, need, independent & codependent live prominently in my mind these days.  I have, after many trials and challenges, find myself in what I would consider a significant relationship.  Obvious elation comes to mind but in that same breath, I know I am no longer 22. I have fears. I have reservations. I feel vulnerable.

It is the feeling of being vulnerable that triggers the behavior that can be a death knoll for friendships and intimate relationships for me.  But why? I have been asking myself this question for a while now. Wondering what drives this anxious and insecure compulsive behavior in myself.

I kept hearing myself come back to the issue of "needing" someone.  Our modern psychoanalytical society has beat into many "enlightened" people's thought process that to say you need someone means that you are "codependent."  Codependent=bad=fucked up. Duh. Didn't you know that?  Now, don't get me wrong, there are lots of people in crappy relationships out there, and there are as many excuses as the day is long for them to stay in them.  Yet, I see repeatedly that at the end of the day. pretty much all of us just want to find that person with whom we have a deep connection (a piece or possibly the whole of love?).

Who this person is a pretty individual thing (meaning we each desire different qualities that carry individual weight). Yet in that, there is this desire, this need to connect, talk, touch that person.  Again, I speak in some generalities as it is different from person to person.  Query: If there is a need does it there fore imply codependency? It may not seem like it in the scenario I just presented, but when faced with talking to yourself and you find yourself saying "I need to see this person." One starts to think, oh God, am I that fucked up that I need somebody? Am I heading to codependent land?

And this is was the eventual progression of thought that triggered the proverbial light bulb for me....To need somebody means that I must trust them. To trust means that I have in some manner laid myself bare to them. I have put all my cards on the table, even the ones I have held closest for my entire life. This is what makes me feel vulnerable...to trust someone enough to lean on them, to need them.  It flies against all conventions I adopted around the time I was 15. Granted it evolved into something more severe over time but none the less it started there.

My Parents felt I was a bright, independent 15 year old. They started working to get me to understand how I could be full filled by being self sufficient.  This really was an amazing concept to give to a young woman in the mid 80's.  Unfortunately what started out as a phrase I told myself,  "If you want something..it is up to you to get it and nobody else." in time evolved into "It is all up to you to achieve anything in your life. To ask for help or lean (need)  on another is tantamount to ultimate weakness on your part."

Sadly, I realized that I never allowed myself to trust/need/lean on the man who was my partner for 16 years.  By the time I figured out that I needed him (primarily emotionally), it was simply too late for a variety of reasons.  What I can say is that it has taken 5 years for me to realize what that was and to be able to put words to it. That was 2009.

Now it is moving towards the end of 2013 and my life and head space has changed dramatically in these 5 years.

As I have already said, I have embarked on a new relationship of import and significance to me. It is with a man I have written much about that is published in my blog and in private. A denied dream that has with time, friendship and work has become a surreal reality of love and growing companionship (meant in its purest intent). I had let go of that love for him to the ethereal realm about a year and half ago. In all honesty, I feared for a long time that there could never be any real friendship much less a sense of mutual love that is growing with each week that passes.

I am scared. Other than my immediate family, I have never allowed myself to need anybody except for my best friend since I was 13. Five years ago, Melanie was incarcerated for 20-50 years. For years she was the person I wanted to talk to first thing in the morning and the last person I wanted to talk to at the end of the day. That was ripped away from me 5 years ago.  My ability to trust diminished after that. Her incarceration and demise of my long term relationship reinforced the idea that needing somebody was bad. Was pain. Was loss.

Yet I have been so tired of being alone. Of carrying all of my life,burdens and fears alone.  I have been crushing my own soul carrying these self imposed trials under the guise of independence and strength.

So I have found myself terrified not to love Chris, but to trust him. to need him.  All of my anxieties are triggered in the face of this. My desire to complete every compulsion has been a daily battle I fight.  I knew that I had to get to the root of the anxieties to be able to banish them (and the compulsions). I do not want to fuck this up. I want something different from what I have known over and over again in my relationships.

I am trying so hard to trust Chris. The man I never thought any of this would ever happen with.  This man that I find myself wanting to be the first and last person I talk to/see each day.  I am working to trust him with my emotions, my dreams, my day to day realities.  I understand there are no guarantees to life or love, but I no longer want to be this person that so many can count on but I don't trust enough to be able to count on others, who in reality, are glad to be there for me when I need it.


Sunday, July 14, 2013

long time in the making

July 14, 2013

It would seem that it has been far too long since posting on my blog.
I have been writing. Mostly letters to a few lucky recipients.  They might not consider themselves all the lucky in hindsight...I joke! I joke! (said like a very old Russian Jewish Man).

More than anything, I have been living.
Living and doing.
I have spent much time working on what love means to me in its multifaceted meanings and ways.
Do I love myself?
Do I deserve to be loved?

Well, as it turns out, with the help of many people over the years and a particular person, I do love myself, and I am worthy of being loved. Not because I am told, but because i believe it from someplace inside me that has finally spoken up after being quiet for so long. I spent years trying to figure out how to leave my personal padded cell of self loathing.  I have known this piece of me needed to change. It needed to transform.  Funny thing...friends, therapists etc couldn't seem to tell me how to get there, They just told me that is where i needed to leave.  go to a brave new land.  that is good and all, but if you have never driven a stick shift and all of a sudden that is what you have to do....it can be daunting, frightening, so much so, you say fuck it. not doing this shit....gonna go back to taking the bus.  Then some how, some way it becomes this challenge, and ultimately something you conquer.

admittedly i do not have this whole self esteem thing dialed in completely.  it still takes a lot of work on my part mentally to not go back to that  comfortable space that gives me the illusion of control, despite its darkness.  it is a conscious effort every day. some days are good.  some days are a struggle, a hill to climb and my legs want to crap  out on me. What I do know is that everyday it becomes a little bit more natural for me.

it is when i don't take care of myself that it is the hardest. when i don't ride my bike. when i eat foods that my body is not thrilled with. when i am scared. when i take risks where i allow myself to be vulnerable. when i cannot predict an outcome. when my hormones strike. ok,  guess the last one is a little harder to control.  regardless, i am not sure i have ever had the motivation to control these seemingly basic items until this last year and especially in the last 3 months.  

i am amazed at how the initial (yet already known) criticism, and in turn, loving words from somebody i love intimately, said in a crucial moment turned my world upside down. I then knew (with processing and many tears) that i could learn to accept good things about myself physically and otherwise.  this man has turned my world upside down a few times.  i will be grateful always to him for pushing me to new lands, new head spaces and simultaneously trying to be understanding and compassionate of the challenges he brings to my open hands.

i, in turn, have tried my best to be there for him in the same capacity.  i am not sure he totally understands that in those challenges he presented,  he has also given me great gifts.  i hope never to forget them. i hope to never lose patience or compassion for what he faces,  or for that matter, all the challenges faced by the people i hold dear.






Monday, January 7, 2013

my petulant heart

my heart is like
a
petulant
egotistical
arrogant
indulged
child.

it has been throwing a temper tantrum
since december 21st.

it is tearing it's hair out,
screaming the most awful
mean spirited spew at my brain.

it hopes that it can manipulate me into
action even though i loath the concept and word "hope."

it screams for me to keep giving even though
there is nothing to get in return.

it screams i am worthy only to give
and never get in return.
it screams this is what all the fucking crappy ass platitudes
quoted repeatedly tell you to believe.
it is our only and higher purpose to give until there is nothing left.
never, never expect that anything will ever come back to you.
that is a folly of the highest magnitude.

for the last 48 hours
i have been screaming back at my idiotic masochistic heart
living in my chest.

i am screaming in anger i have for the world
that i only can turn back on myself....

heart....fuck off and die.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Thursday Jan. 3, 2012 aka mental drivel

technically it is barely thursday. my head is way too full, as so often it is. i have chosen to write more in my private journals of late. i keep trying to work through my issues and then more issues seem to come up.

it is after midnight. i am currently in bed writing, like i dream about doing while driving to work in the mornings. thurston is sacked out next to me and i am grateful for his unabashed love. he wakes up every morning, wants to hug me and tells me he loves me. i know this will not last forever.

i have been told by a couple of guy friends in the last month that i need to be more selfish. then restructured to be told,  i need to say "no" more. then restructured once again to be told, that women "over share." It was an interesting evolution of conversation. it is true, i probably could be more selfish in someways, and i definitely have issues time and again in saying no. an issue i am constantly trying to work on. as to the "over sharing," i am willing to hear the criticism. i come back to the whole "muzzle" deal that was handed to me this summer. yet i think, i am analytical.  i believe it is a common misconception that i am seeking advice, when i am not.  if i am seeking advice, i am upfront about the request. i am processing. granted, i do it too much. hence, riding my bike as a mechanism to assist in controlling that issue. riding seems helps with the "restraint" concept i have written about in my life.  at the end of the day, i am envious of those who either can or give the effective illusion of  letting go of so much emotion so easily with no need to process. albeit, who am i to know what goes on in people's heads, in bed, late at night?

my itunes is playing george michaels (listen without prejudice). it is an album that takes me to when i first started thinking about moving from san diego (to san francisco). it seems to be the album i go to when i have heartache and contemplate leaving. i wrote a piece earlier today that was very bleak indeed. all about leaving. i thought about posting it, but realized it would cause my sisters way too much stress.  then the "are you ok?" phone calls would start. i wonder what my life would have been like if i had moved at that time to san francisco?

i had a conversation today with somebody who kept asking how was my day, how was my new year's...i kept saying ok. he said ok not good? i am not a person who relishes in lying. i have been accused time and time again of wearing my heart on my sleeve. then, a little later, i was made to feel bad via text that i had been "depressed." all because i wouldn't say everything was GOOD. goddamn. i am not fucking suicidal, but i am entitled to have a rough day, week or even a month. i snapped back a response text... fine. sorry to stress you out.  mind you, i was not over sharing in this situation. simply answering the guy's questions. i went on to tell him, next time i now know i just need to pretend when you ask.  i do not like to lie. i do not even really like to pretend in these situations, but i can lie, pretend and act quite effectively and convincingly if i have to.

my day hasn't been shit by any extent. i am however steeped in thoughts in which i am struggling to process through, make peace with and dispel. i believe that this level of mental stress aggravates nightmares for me. woke up this morning having nightmares. the ones that are really insidious. where they start out like they are going to be a dream that you want to stay in. it is  the stuff you couldn't even begin to imagine in a good way.  this time my dream started that i was finally allowed (invited) into a friend's house that i have been denied access for some time for a stupid, drunk maneuver i had done a couple of years ago in real life. in any case, i am walking into his house and it seems the same as what i remember.  i then notice a tv. i ask my friend did i give that to you? he says yes. i start to look around and realize that all my old electronics even from my teens are here, in his house. i start to panic. i don't know why this is, and it does not seem right. then a woman we both know shows up. she is talking to me. she seems so comfortable in this space that i feel so insecure in. all i had wanted was to be forgiven and be invited in again, instead of my presence being an object of distress to him. i just wanted to apologize again and again. this woman (interloper) in real life recently "unfriended" me on facebook. in the dream i just wanted her to leave. i did not want to talk with her. i did not want her here in this moment when i felt so vulnerable. i ended up having an unpleasant confrontation and chastising her for her judgmental behavior and personality. Oddly, the only thing that stood out in this black and white dream was the  beautiful colorful jewel toned persian carpet that i  could only catch a glimpse of in his bedroom.  all in all, the dream as i retell it, seems pretty benign.  in my reality it is fraught with intense emotion that just kept getting turned up in volume as the dream continued. i woke to the alarm with my heart racing.  the level of anxiety and distress i woke with makes it a nightmare for me.  my nightmares are no longer the reoccurring nightmares i had as a child. the nightmares of pushing my way through a crowd only to get to a stage and see my father killed by being lynched/hung.

so my day started with a challenge to it. i did get to go on a bike ride. my first since christmas day. it wasn't that it was hard. i just felt defeated by life by the time i got on my bike and couldn't shake it. so my riding could have probably been stronger, faster etc. yet i found myself this time on my bike not as able to sort my thoughts as well. i am trying to push to much away. i keep trying to tell myself that i can redirect my thoughts and energy from what makes me despondent. the energy to even tell myself to do that is exhausting. maybe that approach isn't working. sitting and crying all day isn't the answer either. now i circle back around to being envious of people, men in particular, who can just shut that kind of shit down in themselves. maybe they all lie. maybe it just manifests in different ways. i do not know. i only know how it is working for me. the harder i fight being in a sad or black space, the harder it takes hold. so yah, right now, i am wearing heavy black eyeliner. i am pretty much only wearing black if i can get away with it. to be completely honest (a favorite phrase of a friend when drunk) i have a pair of black pants i pretty much would live exclusively in if i could. ripped knee and all. with my green man/bacchus tshirt as well.

guess in the end. if you see me and i say i am ok. i am just ok. trying to cope. trying to get up every day and take care of my responsibilities. trying to figure out a way to detach even though my heart won't let me. trying not to think of words said, moments in time that seemed beautiful even if complicated. those thoughts and memories that will assault me out of nowhere and bring tears to my eyes. time is my friend and my enemy.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

2012/2013

i lay here and it is barely 33 minutes into 2013.
it is supposed to be all hope and positive and that stuff.
i am too scared in this moment to be the cynical black person i can be.
do i really want to turn my back on the possibility of the new year?
i have already had communication i interpret to be negative when it may not be.
over that shit.
seriously.
i want to do 3 things in the upcoming year.
3 seems to work for me.
i can historically accomplish 3 things in a year.
i shall list from least to most important, i suppose.

1) take a class in spanish.
2) take a class in ceramics.
3) take my love life into control. meaning, i would really really like to find myself in a significant healthy very loving relationship.

not sure how to make time or facilitate these three things. especially since i am dealing with a crappy broken heart at the moment. i have fallen in love with a person who can't seem to completely realize and accept the depth of our connection and love for each other.  then again, perhaps i am delusional.  oh wait, that might be my negative cynical self creeping in.

i do wonder if i will ever fall in love with a person who loves me back with that same intensity.  i would really like for the universe to show me that i haven't been kicked to the curb.  i really don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.

i see people who have been super shitty in prior relationships and fucking fall madly and deliriously happy in love. although i know it has nothing to do with me in relation to them, i feel so rejected, kicked to the curb and like damaged goods because there doesn't seem to be anybody for me.  i am tired of having a shattered heart.  yes i know, it is up to me to make it whole and i do time and time again.  maybe 2013 can be the year somebody really really wants me and i find them amazing too.

so if you have somebody you feel that way about and they return it...consider yourself blessed, because you are.