Monday, January 7, 2013

my petulant heart

my heart is like

it has been throwing a temper tantrum
since december 21st.

it is tearing it's hair out,
screaming the most awful
mean spirited spew at my brain.

it hopes that it can manipulate me into
action even though i loath the concept and word "hope."

it screams for me to keep giving even though
there is nothing to get in return.

it screams i am worthy only to give
and never get in return.
it screams this is what all the fucking crappy ass platitudes
quoted repeatedly tell you to believe.
it is our only and higher purpose to give until there is nothing left.
never, never expect that anything will ever come back to you.
that is a folly of the highest magnitude.

for the last 48 hours
i have been screaming back at my idiotic masochistic heart
living in my chest.

i am screaming in anger i have for the world
that i only can turn back on myself....

heart....fuck off and die.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Thursday Jan. 3, 2012 aka mental drivel

technically it is barely thursday. my head is way too full, as so often it is. i have chosen to write more in my private journals of late. i keep trying to work through my issues and then more issues seem to come up.

it is after midnight. i am currently in bed writing, like i dream about doing while driving to work in the mornings. thurston is sacked out next to me and i am grateful for his unabashed love. he wakes up every morning, wants to hug me and tells me he loves me. i know this will not last forever.

i have been told by a couple of guy friends in the last month that i need to be more selfish. then restructured to be told,  i need to say "no" more. then restructured once again to be told, that women "over share." It was an interesting evolution of conversation. it is true, i probably could be more selfish in someways, and i definitely have issues time and again in saying no. an issue i am constantly trying to work on. as to the "over sharing," i am willing to hear the criticism. i come back to the whole "muzzle" deal that was handed to me this summer. yet i think, i am analytical.  i believe it is a common misconception that i am seeking advice, when i am not.  if i am seeking advice, i am upfront about the request. i am processing. granted, i do it too much. hence, riding my bike as a mechanism to assist in controlling that issue. riding seems helps with the "restraint" concept i have written about in my life.  at the end of the day, i am envious of those who either can or give the effective illusion of  letting go of so much emotion so easily with no need to process. albeit, who am i to know what goes on in people's heads, in bed, late at night?

my itunes is playing george michaels (listen without prejudice). it is an album that takes me to when i first started thinking about moving from san diego (to san francisco). it seems to be the album i go to when i have heartache and contemplate leaving. i wrote a piece earlier today that was very bleak indeed. all about leaving. i thought about posting it, but realized it would cause my sisters way too much stress.  then the "are you ok?" phone calls would start. i wonder what my life would have been like if i had moved at that time to san francisco?

i had a conversation today with somebody who kept asking how was my day, how was my new year's...i kept saying ok. he said ok not good? i am not a person who relishes in lying. i have been accused time and time again of wearing my heart on my sleeve. then, a little later, i was made to feel bad via text that i had been "depressed." all because i wouldn't say everything was GOOD. goddamn. i am not fucking suicidal, but i am entitled to have a rough day, week or even a month. i snapped back a response text... fine. sorry to stress you out.  mind you, i was not over sharing in this situation. simply answering the guy's questions. i went on to tell him, next time i now know i just need to pretend when you ask.  i do not like to lie. i do not even really like to pretend in these situations, but i can lie, pretend and act quite effectively and convincingly if i have to.

my day hasn't been shit by any extent. i am however steeped in thoughts in which i am struggling to process through, make peace with and dispel. i believe that this level of mental stress aggravates nightmares for me. woke up this morning having nightmares. the ones that are really insidious. where they start out like they are going to be a dream that you want to stay in. it is  the stuff you couldn't even begin to imagine in a good way.  this time my dream started that i was finally allowed (invited) into a friend's house that i have been denied access for some time for a stupid, drunk maneuver i had done a couple of years ago in real life. in any case, i am walking into his house and it seems the same as what i remember.  i then notice a tv. i ask my friend did i give that to you? he says yes. i start to look around and realize that all my old electronics even from my teens are here, in his house. i start to panic. i don't know why this is, and it does not seem right. then a woman we both know shows up. she is talking to me. she seems so comfortable in this space that i feel so insecure in. all i had wanted was to be forgiven and be invited in again, instead of my presence being an object of distress to him. i just wanted to apologize again and again. this woman (interloper) in real life recently "unfriended" me on facebook. in the dream i just wanted her to leave. i did not want to talk with her. i did not want her here in this moment when i felt so vulnerable. i ended up having an unpleasant confrontation and chastising her for her judgmental behavior and personality. Oddly, the only thing that stood out in this black and white dream was the  beautiful colorful jewel toned persian carpet that i  could only catch a glimpse of in his bedroom.  all in all, the dream as i retell it, seems pretty benign.  in my reality it is fraught with intense emotion that just kept getting turned up in volume as the dream continued. i woke to the alarm with my heart racing.  the level of anxiety and distress i woke with makes it a nightmare for me.  my nightmares are no longer the reoccurring nightmares i had as a child. the nightmares of pushing my way through a crowd only to get to a stage and see my father killed by being lynched/hung.

so my day started with a challenge to it. i did get to go on a bike ride. my first since christmas day. it wasn't that it was hard. i just felt defeated by life by the time i got on my bike and couldn't shake it. so my riding could have probably been stronger, faster etc. yet i found myself this time on my bike not as able to sort my thoughts as well. i am trying to push to much away. i keep trying to tell myself that i can redirect my thoughts and energy from what makes me despondent. the energy to even tell myself to do that is exhausting. maybe that approach isn't working. sitting and crying all day isn't the answer either. now i circle back around to being envious of people, men in particular, who can just shut that kind of shit down in themselves. maybe they all lie. maybe it just manifests in different ways. i do not know. i only know how it is working for me. the harder i fight being in a sad or black space, the harder it takes hold. so yah, right now, i am wearing heavy black eyeliner. i am pretty much only wearing black if i can get away with it. to be completely honest (a favorite phrase of a friend when drunk) i have a pair of black pants i pretty much would live exclusively in if i could. ripped knee and all. with my green man/bacchus tshirt as well.

guess in the end. if you see me and i say i am ok. i am just ok. trying to cope. trying to get up every day and take care of my responsibilities. trying to figure out a way to detach even though my heart won't let me. trying not to think of words said, moments in time that seemed beautiful even if complicated. those thoughts and memories that will assault me out of nowhere and bring tears to my eyes. time is my friend and my enemy.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


i lay here and it is barely 33 minutes into 2013.
it is supposed to be all hope and positive and that stuff.
i am too scared in this moment to be the cynical black person i can be.
do i really want to turn my back on the possibility of the new year?
i have already had communication i interpret to be negative when it may not be.
over that shit.
i want to do 3 things in the upcoming year.
3 seems to work for me.
i can historically accomplish 3 things in a year.
i shall list from least to most important, i suppose.

1) take a class in spanish.
2) take a class in ceramics.
3) take my love life into control. meaning, i would really really like to find myself in a significant healthy very loving relationship.

not sure how to make time or facilitate these three things. especially since i am dealing with a crappy broken heart at the moment. i have fallen in love with a person who can't seem to completely realize and accept the depth of our connection and love for each other.  then again, perhaps i am delusional.  oh wait, that might be my negative cynical self creeping in.

i do wonder if i will ever fall in love with a person who loves me back with that same intensity.  i would really like for the universe to show me that i haven't been kicked to the curb.  i really don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.

i see people who have been super shitty in prior relationships and fucking fall madly and deliriously happy in love. although i know it has nothing to do with me in relation to them, i feel so rejected, kicked to the curb and like damaged goods because there doesn't seem to be anybody for me.  i am tired of having a shattered heart.  yes i know, it is up to me to make it whole and i do time and time again.  maybe 2013 can be the year somebody really really wants me and i find them amazing too.

so if you have somebody you feel that way about and they return it...consider yourself blessed, because you are.