Tuesday, January 1, 2013


i lay here and it is barely 33 minutes into 2013.
it is supposed to be all hope and positive and that stuff.
i am too scared in this moment to be the cynical black person i can be.
do i really want to turn my back on the possibility of the new year?
i have already had communication i interpret to be negative when it may not be.
over that shit.
i want to do 3 things in the upcoming year.
3 seems to work for me.
i can historically accomplish 3 things in a year.
i shall list from least to most important, i suppose.

1) take a class in spanish.
2) take a class in ceramics.
3) take my love life into control. meaning, i would really really like to find myself in a significant healthy very loving relationship.

not sure how to make time or facilitate these three things. especially since i am dealing with a crappy broken heart at the moment. i have fallen in love with a person who can't seem to completely realize and accept the depth of our connection and love for each other.  then again, perhaps i am delusional.  oh wait, that might be my negative cynical self creeping in.

i do wonder if i will ever fall in love with a person who loves me back with that same intensity.  i would really like for the universe to show me that i haven't been kicked to the curb.  i really don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.

i see people who have been super shitty in prior relationships and fucking fall madly and deliriously happy in love. although i know it has nothing to do with me in relation to them, i feel so rejected, kicked to the curb and like damaged goods because there doesn't seem to be anybody for me.  i am tired of having a shattered heart.  yes i know, it is up to me to make it whole and i do time and time again.  maybe 2013 can be the year somebody really really wants me and i find them amazing too.

so if you have somebody you feel that way about and they return it...consider yourself blessed, because you are.

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