Sunday, July 14, 2013

long time in the making

July 14, 2013

It would seem that it has been far too long since posting on my blog.
I have been writing. Mostly letters to a few lucky recipients.  They might not consider themselves all the lucky in hindsight...I joke! I joke! (said like a very old Russian Jewish Man).

More than anything, I have been living.
Living and doing.
I have spent much time working on what love means to me in its multifaceted meanings and ways.
Do I love myself?
Do I deserve to be loved?

Well, as it turns out, with the help of many people over the years and a particular person, I do love myself, and I am worthy of being loved. Not because I am told, but because i believe it from someplace inside me that has finally spoken up after being quiet for so long. I spent years trying to figure out how to leave my personal padded cell of self loathing.  I have known this piece of me needed to change. It needed to transform.  Funny thing...friends, therapists etc couldn't seem to tell me how to get there, They just told me that is where i needed to leave.  go to a brave new land.  that is good and all, but if you have never driven a stick shift and all of a sudden that is what you have to can be daunting, frightening, so much so, you say fuck it. not doing this shit....gonna go back to taking the bus.  Then some how, some way it becomes this challenge, and ultimately something you conquer.

admittedly i do not have this whole self esteem thing dialed in completely.  it still takes a lot of work on my part mentally to not go back to that  comfortable space that gives me the illusion of control, despite its darkness.  it is a conscious effort every day. some days are good.  some days are a struggle, a hill to climb and my legs want to crap  out on me. What I do know is that everyday it becomes a little bit more natural for me.

it is when i don't take care of myself that it is the hardest. when i don't ride my bike. when i eat foods that my body is not thrilled with. when i am scared. when i take risks where i allow myself to be vulnerable. when i cannot predict an outcome. when my hormones strike. ok,  guess the last one is a little harder to control.  regardless, i am not sure i have ever had the motivation to control these seemingly basic items until this last year and especially in the last 3 months.  

i am amazed at how the initial (yet already known) criticism, and in turn, loving words from somebody i love intimately, said in a crucial moment turned my world upside down. I then knew (with processing and many tears) that i could learn to accept good things about myself physically and otherwise.  this man has turned my world upside down a few times.  i will be grateful always to him for pushing me to new lands, new head spaces and simultaneously trying to be understanding and compassionate of the challenges he brings to my open hands.

i, in turn, have tried my best to be there for him in the same capacity.  i am not sure he totally understands that in those challenges he presented,  he has also given me great gifts.  i hope never to forget them. i hope to never lose patience or compassion for what he faces,  or for that matter, all the challenges faced by the people i hold dear.