Thursday, November 14, 2013

I have no idea what to name this post.

There is only so many times a person can reference  brain dump or jumbles of thoughts in blog post titles.  As I mentioned a couple of entries ago, I have so many thoughts running around in my head. It is hard to either pick one to discuss or even to feel comfortable discussing some of what is going on.  Mostly I am consumed with thinking about Thurston.  He has been struggling a bit of late.  It is in my nature to take this as a reflection of me and of my parenting, and not in a positive way.  Yet I argue with myself that thought process seems like a supremely arrogant position to take. I know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Whether my OCD is nature or nurture, Thurston, being raised pretty exclusively by me as a single mom, does not mitigate either pathway to him.  All of this brings up reoccurring thoughts of how I am doing this (parenting) pretty much alone.  For the sake of clarity, that comment is related to Jay rather than all my wonderful family and friends who reach out to me and try to help and support me on a very regular basis. It is not in the calm times but the times of challenge and worry that I realize how I carry this responsibility exclusively, rather than a shared challenge with the other parent.  I am really grateful for all the wonderful advice and support my family is giving to me while Thurston and I figure out what is going on and how to make it better for him.  I know that Jay loves his son. I know that he wants what is best for him, but remains removed.  I have known this for a long time, but it is these moments when I have those painful realizations of how alone I felt much of the time when I was in that relationship.  I don't think I can get away from past experiences and thinking about them in context of new experiences, especially when they seem so strikingly different.  I think it might be good to recognize those differences, as long as it doesn't lead me to an angry or overly critical space.  

More that I am grateful for:
1. Mexican food
2, Twinkly Christmas lights that I have hanging in my windows year round.
3. Water
4. The feeling that for the first time in a really long time...I am not doing this alone.
5. The huge banyan tree in Balboa Park.
6. For that matter....Balboa Park.
7. Chris' beard. Amazingly it is not scratchy but pretty darn soft.
8. Clean underwear
9. Architecture and Design Websites
10. To be alive.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

trying to find the words

Have you ever had somebody or a group of friends in your life that makes you feel a sense of love that you have never known?  I am a truly lucky (blessed) person to know this.  I have been trying to find the words to express the connection and love that I have found with people outside of my biological family.  I am not sure that I will be able to find those words to describe the love we give each other that can express the depth of emotion that I possess for them.

These are the people who make you feel the absolute best about yourself.
The people who can look at you and you them and understand.
The people who you would walk the ends of the earth for.
The people who you would take a bullet for.
The people who know the ridiculous laughing fits and find joy, love and laughter in them with you.
The people where you can express your most innermost esoteric thoughts and they respond in kind.
The people where they can fall asleep in your bed or on your couch and their sleeping countenance brings you comfort.
The people who know they can be there for you through anything. And you them.
The people that you will believe in until the end of time.
The people that can challenge you, help you to grow or see from another perspective, but never, ever make you feel that in that moment that their love ever waivers.
The people whom you can look in the eyes and feel the core of who they are and the beauty of it moves you to tears.

These are the people to cherish, hold close, and tell every day that you love.
Our time is finite. Yet we are still here today.  Make the most of that love and friendship in all your days. I have no idea where I would be without these people.  They make my life brighter and more beautiful for their presence.

More of what I will be daily and eternally grateful for:
1. Blake
2. Chemynne
3. Daena
4. Gordon
5. Melanie
6. Diana
7. Patrick
8.. Jay
9. Chris
10. Leah
11. Oliver
12. Richie
13. Breezy
14. Courtney
15. Jen
16. Charlie

*Note for my biological family...this post was specifically meant for those not related to me...Please know that you hold a different space in my heart that no one can ever touch.
**Note for my many friends who will read this...these people listed have been an intense part of my life for a very long time.  Some of you over time will be on this list, it is not meant to say that some friendships are more valuable than others, simply that my connection with these people have spanned (in one case) up to 40 years.  I repeat something here that I have said over and over...if I have told you once that I love stands for all time.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

bit of brain jumble

So I broke the challenge I was attempting to do.  30 days of writing.  Sleep got in the way of this. Damn you new allergy/asthma medication!! My last couple of days have been those kind of days where you are doing everything you can, just to get to bed to be able to close your eyes for  a little bit and hope that you can catch up the next day. Learning that it is ok to vacuum the floor the next day.  I have a great deal going on in my head, and hopefully I will write about each of them as this week/end  flow by.

Even though I have not been on top of the writing, I have however made sure I got bike rides in.  I had until about 2 months ago riding very regularly and the length of my rides had (as planned) been getting longer and longer in anticipation of completing a "century."  Then, more than full time work put that on the back burner.  A couple of weeks ago, my work load dropped down (ie I stopped working one of my million jobs...mon).  I decided instead of focusing on the lack of money, I was going to try to see what was positive about gaining 10-12 hours a week back. I thought, Ok, I can try to carve out some of that time to ride my bike regularly again.  Riding my bike regularly helps control my OCD, keeps me calmer when dealing with Thurston (or other challenging situations), and helps me look a way that I want to look physically and in essence, improves my self esteem.  I like that I am outside in sun and not looking at a monitor, but looking at what is wonderful in the world around me.  Even though I have ridden my bike the last 2 months, it has not been with any consistency.  I worried it would be harder than what it has been to get back in the saddle.  More than anything, I realized I allowed myself to put this activity at #2 on the priorities list.  I have done this most of my life.  The things I need most...get relegated to the back burner due to other seemingly more important priorities.  I fall into the easy habit of..."I have so much to do...just this time..." but in reality it never is "just this time."  The precarious balance of responsibility and selfishness.  So now for 2 weeks, I have been back on my bike.  I am easing myself back in.  My allergies and asthma have been very bad for a month now, and I have been to the Doctor.  We are reworking my medications.  I keep reminding myself that I didn't stop riding for 2 years...simply 2 months of non regular riding.  All of it will come back and quicker than what I think it might.  Indeed this seems to be the case.  My biggest issue is my breathing. Even if I had continued riding, because of the santa anas and the allergy triggers...I might have had the same breathing issues regardless.  So onward and forward.  Rode Monday, rode today and get to do a longer ride tomorrow, which I am really looking forward to.  I have a route in mind already.

More things I am grateful for:
1) Enduring friendships through good and bad times
2) Support given and received from the basis of trust, love and respect
3) The wide range of experiences my siblings have and the advice they give based on those experiences.
4) Asthma Inhalers
5) How Thurston out of what seems nowhere tells me "I love you, Mama"
6) Learning from adversity
7) Tater Tots
8) Green Tea
9) The way sunlight falls on walls and filters through trees in Autumn.
10) The Ould Sod on Adams Ave.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Blurting out

I do not know if I have it in me tonight to write.
I am more awake than I care to be. It isn't that late, honestly.
I am mostly irritated with myself and feeling frustrated.
I can't seem to dispel those feelings and it sets me into the arena of compulsions.
I am attempting to ward those off as well.

I ended up blurting out a diatribe today that I had intended to write as a personal letter.
In general,  it is better for me to communicate through written word.
Rather than blurting my non linear thoughts that goes to places that I don't always want exposed, or presented in a way that I didn't want to have happen.

Frustrated at how this day has looked NOTHING like what I had wanted it to look like.
I need to let go of that crap, but it gets under my skin and just pisses me off and I struggle to just shake it off and my mind goes to the space where I feel like I have control (no matter how much of an illusion that actually is).

So I lay here and find myself in my mental compulsions with tears running down my face.
Not super psyched on that.  Makes me feel weak minded. Trying to change here I am writing when I am still not sure that this really has any kind of purpose.

So now I write even more personal than I really desire to let out, but I NEED something to do.
My eyes are tired. I wish I had a book that has captivated my imagination and I simply can't get enough of it, but it has been a while since that has happened.  So instead I am playing itunes dj and trying to write my thoughts.  It has been said to me that grateful people have a higher chance of greater even though I feel a bit cynical and frustrated we go

More stuff I am grateful for:
1) Kate Bush
2) Tom Waits
3) My Bikes
4) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
5) The San Diego Sanitation Dept.
6) Goth Kids
7) A stiff drink
8) Handmade Pottery
9) A well crafted story
10) Being able to lay my face on Chris' arm with his other arm wrapped around me before I have to get up.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Sunday Evening after daylight savings.

I sit here on my bedroom floor and I am listening to a mix of music I have put together for the senior Rabbi at the synagogue. Despite age difference (reminder to never judge a book by it's cover), we both seem to enjoy much of the same music from bluegrass influence to the modern folk movement.  With both Thurston and Chris asleep, I am afforded the quiet night time house.

Yesterday I noticed an acquaintance on Facebook is doing this whole "30 days of gratitude" thing. I also noticed a good friend who blogs accepting to do a "blog each day for 30 days" challenge.  I really like both of these ideas.  Especially the 30 day blog challenge.  I think, for me, it is more like...writing every day for 30 days whether it is my blog or a long letter or in my private journal.  I write pretty regularly, but it is what I consider secondary on the daily life clock (at this time)....writing gets relegated to #2 slot along with riding my bike (makes me kinda sad & wish I was independently wealthy).

I think I am finally starting to get a little bit of my life back that has slipped away since starting at the synagogue full time in July.  Between the synagogue and the bike shop, I just was super tired and felt as if my time was for everybody else but myself. All I was interested in doing was being at home with Chris watching movies (which isn't a bad thing, but I have regularly had a hard time keeping my eyes open to watch a whole moving in an evening).  

Just 2 weeks ago, I worked my last day at Adams Ave. Bicycles.  I was so sad, but now I am realizing that I really needed to restructure my time even if that means less money.  I am still trying to get the financial piece together, but getting closer each day.  I now have some breathing room in time.  I am riding my bike again and simply  do not feel exhausted every night and  therefore I have been able to write again.  I prefer to write for my blog at night after my world has shut down.  It is the time for me to collect all my random thoughts and various conversations with myself and others.  Writing being my way to process.

All that said...going to try to write everyday again (and include something each time which I am grateful for).  Trying to bring some balance back to my life (yes...tipping my hat to you Diana Griffin).

List of some of what I am grateful for:
1) Thurston (the greatest & most beautiful creative endeavour I could have ever done)
2) Chris (this one has brought me so much joy and laughter in the last couple of months)
3) My biological family
4) My chosen family
5) My ridiculous cats (Nacho, Snape & Moxisaurus)
6) For my green super fuzzy blanket & special socks (made for me by my sister Rachel) for when it cools down
7) All the music I get to listen to all the time
8) The food I can buy and cook
9) Working with some of the nicest people that I care deeply about
10) My health

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Coming Home

It was a party night. That is for certain.
Chris was showing me around his house in the middle of a party.
I had felt nervous. I had felt anxious.
I was terrified of rejection, but those were not the things I found.
I had been so lost during that time. More change than what I could cope with.
I barely knew up from down.
We had simply been talking.
He was telling me about airplane models he had built.
Then in a rare moment of confidence I actually looked him in the eyes.
I had no idea what I was doing, or even why given the intensity of my personal insecurities and demons.

Yet I did look.

In that moment, I looked in his eyes and he returned the gaze.
I really do not know how long it was for.
It could have been 5 seconds or 25 minutes.

Time had stopped.

In this suspended time I fell in love.
I felt connected to another human.
I did not feel alone.

I was lost in time but found home.

That was more than four years ago.
I have held onto this memory and love.
At long last that moment has come to full fruition.
We are finally ready.
Only tonight after so many years, I told Chris of this crucial memory.
In the dark, he put his hand on my face.
We looked in each others eyes.

Once again I have come home.