I do not know if I have it in me tonight to write.
I am more awake than I care to be. It isn't that late, honestly.
I am mostly irritated with myself and feeling frustrated.
I can't seem to dispel those feelings and it sets me into the arena of compulsions.
I am attempting to ward those off as well.
I ended up blurting out a diatribe today that I had intended to write as a personal letter.
In general, it is better for me to communicate through written word.
Rather than blurting my non linear thoughts that goes to places that I don't always want exposed, or presented in a way that I didn't want to have happen.
Frustrated at how this day has looked NOTHING like what I had wanted it to look like.
I need to let go of that crap, but it gets under my skin and just pisses me off and I struggle to just shake it off and my mind goes to the space where I feel like I have control (no matter how much of an illusion that actually is).
So I lay here and find myself in my mental compulsions with tears running down my face.
Not super psyched on that. Makes me feel weak minded. Trying to change that....so here I am writing when I am still not sure that this really has any kind of purpose.
So now I write even more personal than I really desire to let out, but I NEED something to do.
My eyes are tired. I wish I had a book that has captivated my imagination and I simply can't get enough of it, but it has been a while since that has happened. So instead I am playing itunes dj and trying to write my thoughts. It has been said to me that grateful people have a higher chance of greater happiness....so even though I feel a bit cynical and frustrated tonight...here we go
More stuff I am grateful for:
1) Kate Bush
2) Tom Waits
3) My Bikes
4) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
5) The San Diego Sanitation Dept.
6) Goth Kids
7) A stiff drink
8) Handmade Pottery
9) A well crafted story
10) Being able to lay my face on Chris' arm with his other arm wrapped around me before I have to get up.