There is only so many times a person can reference brain dump or jumbles of thoughts in blog post titles. As I mentioned a couple of entries ago, I have so many thoughts running around in my head. It is hard to either pick one to discuss or even to feel comfortable discussing some of what is going on. Mostly I am consumed with thinking about Thurston. He has been struggling a bit of late. It is in my nature to take this as a reflection of me and of my parenting, and not in a positive way. Yet I argue with myself that thought process seems like a supremely arrogant position to take. I know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Whether my OCD is nature or nurture, Thurston, being raised pretty exclusively by me as a single mom, does not mitigate either pathway to him. All of this brings up reoccurring thoughts of how I am doing this (parenting) pretty much alone. For the sake of clarity, that comment is related to Jay rather than all my wonderful family and friends who reach out to me and try to help and support me on a very regular basis. It is not in the calm times but the times of challenge and worry that I realize how I carry this responsibility exclusively, rather than a shared challenge with the other parent. I am really grateful for all the wonderful advice and support my family is giving to me while Thurston and I figure out what is going on and how to make it better for him. I know that Jay loves his son. I know that he wants what is best for him, but remains removed. I have known this for a long time, but it is these moments when I have those painful realizations of how alone I felt much of the time when I was in that relationship. I don't think I can get away from past experiences and thinking about them in context of new experiences, especially when they seem so strikingly different. I think it might be good to recognize those differences, as long as it doesn't lead me to an angry or overly critical space.
1. Mexican food
2, Twinkly Christmas lights that I have hanging in my windows year round.
4. The feeling that for the first time in a really long time...I am not doing this alone.
5. The huge banyan tree in Balboa Park.
6. For that matter....Balboa Park.
7. Chris' beard. Amazingly it is not scratchy but pretty darn soft.
8. Clean underwear
9. Architecture and Design Websites
10. To be alive.