Thursday, November 14, 2013

I have no idea what to name this post.

There is only so many times a person can reference  brain dump or jumbles of thoughts in blog post titles.  As I mentioned a couple of entries ago, I have so many thoughts running around in my head. It is hard to either pick one to discuss or even to feel comfortable discussing some of what is going on.  Mostly I am consumed with thinking about Thurston.  He has been struggling a bit of late.  It is in my nature to take this as a reflection of me and of my parenting, and not in a positive way.  Yet I argue with myself that thought process seems like a supremely arrogant position to take. I know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Whether my OCD is nature or nurture, Thurston, being raised pretty exclusively by me as a single mom, does not mitigate either pathway to him.  All of this brings up reoccurring thoughts of how I am doing this (parenting) pretty much alone.  For the sake of clarity, that comment is related to Jay rather than all my wonderful family and friends who reach out to me and try to help and support me on a very regular basis. It is not in the calm times but the times of challenge and worry that I realize how I carry this responsibility exclusively, rather than a shared challenge with the other parent.  I am really grateful for all the wonderful advice and support my family is giving to me while Thurston and I figure out what is going on and how to make it better for him.  I know that Jay loves his son. I know that he wants what is best for him, but remains removed.  I have known this for a long time, but it is these moments when I have those painful realizations of how alone I felt much of the time when I was in that relationship.  I don't think I can get away from past experiences and thinking about them in context of new experiences, especially when they seem so strikingly different.  I think it might be good to recognize those differences, as long as it doesn't lead me to an angry or overly critical space.  

More that I am grateful for:
1. Mexican food
2, Twinkly Christmas lights that I have hanging in my windows year round.
3. Water
4. The feeling that for the first time in a really long time...I am not doing this alone.
5. The huge banyan tree in Balboa Park.
6. For that matter....Balboa Park.
7. Chris' beard. Amazingly it is not scratchy but pretty darn soft.
8. Clean underwear
9. Architecture and Design Websites
10. To be alive.

2 comments:

  1. I'm up late as my body likes to sleep in 3 hour shifts. Whatever. I took some klonopin so hopefully I can get back to sleep. Annyyywayyy. I don't have a clue what it's like raising a kid, or being a single parent. I believe Thurston is 10. I would credit some of his issues to Jay. Maybe he needs a different activity to express himself? And, I'm super grateful for water, and Balboa Park too...and I love Brian's beard!!! XOXO

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    1. Thurston is 7 1/2 and yes, Jay does hold some responsibility by the nature that he is his biological father. Thurston is having a very hard time controlling his emotions when I am not around. In other words he seems to have something at school trigger a strong emotional reaction that he can't get back to center from. I know how that feels. That is one of the components of my anxiety disorder that is really challenging. All of this is happening while at school. The school has stepped up and we are all looking at the various resources available to him and me and starting to put a plan and actions into place. It has been a hard pill to swallow, but I keep trying to believe that this is the jumping off point for something better for Thurston, instead of waiting until he is 35 to get help and support he needs now.

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