Monday, December 16, 2013

talking 19 seconds behind

i feel completely disconnected from my life and my body.  this has been going for several days running.  started on friday and has continued on through now (which it would seem is now early monday). it has been one of those weekends where nothing seemed to really "work."  it should in theory.  it has been a segment in time where i suspect the lesson is to simply "let go."  no matter what i did, it all felt as if it was a hundred times harder than what it should be or what i have known it to be.  everything dropped.  everything went just enough wrong to be annoying. or hurt myself in every task in some small way (like pricking my fingers repeatedly with a needle).  i woke up this morning even more out of sync. it was like watching a Godzilla movie with the soundtrack trailing 19 seconds behind.  funny...that was the problem that was making me crazy friday night when i was watching the movie Donnie Darko for the first time.  i thought maybe i was just sleepy or groggy.  three shots of espresso later i was even more out of sync.  in fact, i thought maybe my brain wanted me to go horizontal as it felt like i was standing at a strange angle.  my hands and brain simply were not working together.
i had a bad migraine on thursday.  i wonder if that plays into this?  i know the migraine had been stress related.  it had been so bad that my vision in my right eye diminished severely.  anxiety elevated for several days as well. i got nothing accomplished this weekend that i really felt i needed to get done.  everybody else's needs came first.  at least i did manage to work a bike ride in yesterday that was solely for me. going to try to force sleep.  maybe my brain can reboot and the anxiety will calm and my hands and brain will decide to be friends again.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

My Morning Commute

I know that living in Southern California it is nearly impossible to not have to commute in some fashion to work.  I do.  I go from Normal Heights to UCSD/La Jolla.  Typically it is only about a 10-15 minute drive with no/little traffic.  Most mornings however it takes about 30 minutes and on bad traffic days it can take just under an hour (this is 1-2x per month).  I far prefer traffic in my morning commute rather than in my evening commute.  I am far less stressed about time constraints in my morning commute, instead of my evening when I feel like I am racing against a clock.

I am a creature of habit, said it before and it doesn't seem to change.  I drop Thurston at school, go to Twiggs and get an iced coffee with almond milk and head to work.  My morning commute is the rare 1/2 hour that I get everyday to be alone.  I get to listen to whatever music without considering anybody else.  I get to run through my previous day.  I get to try to find words to match up with the experiences I have in my daily life.  I watch the clouds moving along the coast.  I get to see the sun play on the various olive green canyon hills that run along the sides of the 2 freeways I travel upon.  I get to see Presidio Mission in a variety of sun light and weather.  My mind gets to wander free.

Although I do not miss being unemployed or partially unemployed, I do, however, miss the time I had on a regular basis to just sit in Twiggs and write.  I miss that catharsis. I guess I am trying to cram that into 1/2 hour a day in my car...problem...don't get to write it down while driving.

Today I found myself listening to the same song over and over.  Not uncommon when I feel like a song is speaking to me.  Today it was "Them Shoes" by Patrick Sweany.  I had been listening to the radio (to try to get a read on traffic) as I sat waiting to turn right onto Texas Street.  Sudden and massive anxiety attack hit me.  I just wanted to turn around, go home, grab my journal and go plant myself at Twiggs for the next 3 hours. I told myself it would pass.  I have to follow through on my day and the responsibilities that it brings.  Nothing bad has happened.  I just kept telling myself that over the radio.  I thought, well shit, maybe the radio is not helping, so quickly, while still at a stop light, put on Grooveshark on my phone and Them Shoes was the song up.  I started breathing easier again.  I knew the anxiety would start to pass.

I was able then to let my thoughts wander again.  I returned to the clouds. Pondered the rain moving through San Diego.  The day isn't completely dark and these clouds with the sun behind them have a luminous quality.  Today's clouds are the cottony type clouds that look full of water and life.  I wanted to take a picture to be able to send to Melanie, but always a super dicey prospect when driving in shitty morning no picture occurred.

Thought of Chris and time together last night. The things we talked about. How I struggle in the moment with intense emotion and my ability to express it.  How when I can't,  it ends up leaking out of my eyes.  I thought of how my life has evolved radically in the last year in the arenas of love and work.  How I continue to be blown away from the evolution of my relationship with Chris.  How alive I do feel and how shocked I am that it comes from being in love.

I thought about the word "cunt."  It seems to me that a couple of years ago I read a very funny piece about that word.  Although for the life of me I can't think about where or when I read it or what it really said.  I had a fleeting though of trying to search for it on the Internet.  Decided that might be a bit of a time burglar and perhaps it could be reserved for another moment in time.

I thought about how dreamy I feel today rather than awake and ready to attack my day.  How a leisurely long bike ride would be awesome but not so much in really cold, damp morning weather.  Maybe closer to 1pm instead?  Would I wear that new warm long sleeve jersey I got at the Veloswap?  Probably.

Well, you can see how my thoughts go around and in all of it trying to find the words to describe what I see and how I feel.  I do miss that unadulterated time to have my ipod playing and writing with little distraction.  Hmmm. Now just at work and realizing that I have a bunch of stuff to get done.

The distractions have taken over the brain.....

Link is if you wanted to hear the song "Them Shoes" by Patrick Sweany

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


This post probably should just be an entry for my private journal rather than this public journal. At the same time, I am at work, clearly avoiding much of it, sitting here at my desk attempting ever since i woke up this morning, to process the span of emotion racing through my brain.  I need to write and see what comes out of my fingers to get a grasp on my emotion in times like this.  I need to be able to try to get work done, so I need to put the thoughts down.

Last night, by most standards, may have, from the outside, looked normal or calm or low key.  Except it didn't feel that way in my heart and brain.  The day felt mostly like I was running at a frenetic pace just to get to 11 pm and the dark of my room and the company of Chris.  In all the frenetic feelings, I wasn't even convinced that I would even get to that 11 pm timeline.

I thought maybe he would go home instead of stay with me last night.  Still at 6 pm I felt unsure.  The possibility of him leaving always creates deep anxiety for me.  I know he will come back. I know that the time away is not a bad thing.  I just have this intense separation anxiety that I struggle to control.  Then there is the texting. I always am curious who he is texting intensely with. Yet I refuse to ask him or pry or be nosy.  I just can't do it; that too makes me anxious.  I wish I didn't always feel this kind of anxiety all the time over these small things.  I try to tell myself to knock it off, but it harder than it might seem.  My anxiety upsets my stomach, creates intrusive thoughts that in turn become panic and I turn to compulsions to try to gain control of the thoughts, often involving tears.  This sucks. It makes me feel like I look and behave over emotionally with deep insecurities.  There are times when the insecurities are real, but as time goes by, I continue to trust Chris more and more and know that those insecurities are not real (in addition to my personal growth and self esteem change the dynamic of the insecurities).

Those two issues preyed on my psyche until I got back from picking up Thurston from school & Richie & Monica for dinner.  It was then I realized Chris was not leaving.  My mind sighed a breath of relief.  My mini personal Thanksgiving was going to go forward with me a little less anxious.  I never did find out who Chris was texting with, but I have just let it be.  I am more confident of our relationship. I believe we both are entitled to our friendships and the confidences within them. I can be stronger than my anxious weak moments.

Dinner was wonderful. The comfort of my home warm and smelling like food and freshly baked bread. The cats happy lounging around belly up.  Music, talking, laughing. Living in the moment, not wishing for it to pass quickly so the next one can happen.

Then I got to 11 pm.

The sleepiness
laying on the edge of my bed
watching what is funny
feeling like i said something wrong
my instant apology
this time
his request for no apology
telling me one of the reasons for his love of me
the tears that it still brings to my eyes
touching the end of my nose
smoothing my hair
simply being so close that our eyes barely have to be open
yet looking into them
more talking
more love
more respect
more trust
more understanding
more freedom to say anything
more more more love
being mentally and physically connected
amazement and knowing it in the moment
to know what it means to be loved
and even more, to be loved by him.

he continues to blow my mind away.