Tuesday, December 3, 2013


This post probably should just be an entry for my private journal rather than this public journal. At the same time, I am at work, clearly avoiding much of it, sitting here at my desk attempting ever since i woke up this morning, to process the span of emotion racing through my brain.  I need to write and see what comes out of my fingers to get a grasp on my emotion in times like this.  I need to be able to try to get work done, so I need to put the thoughts down.

Last night, by most standards, may have, from the outside, looked normal or calm or low key.  Except it didn't feel that way in my heart and brain.  The day felt mostly like I was running at a frenetic pace just to get to 11 pm and the dark of my room and the company of Chris.  In all the frenetic feelings, I wasn't even convinced that I would even get to that 11 pm timeline.

I thought maybe he would go home instead of stay with me last night.  Still at 6 pm I felt unsure.  The possibility of him leaving always creates deep anxiety for me.  I know he will come back. I know that the time away is not a bad thing.  I just have this intense separation anxiety that I struggle to control.  Then there is the texting. I always am curious who he is texting intensely with. Yet I refuse to ask him or pry or be nosy.  I just can't do it; that too makes me anxious.  I wish I didn't always feel this kind of anxiety all the time over these small things.  I try to tell myself to knock it off, but it harder than it might seem.  My anxiety upsets my stomach, creates intrusive thoughts that in turn become panic and I turn to compulsions to try to gain control of the thoughts, often involving tears.  This sucks. It makes me feel like I look and behave over emotionally with deep insecurities.  There are times when the insecurities are real, but as time goes by, I continue to trust Chris more and more and know that those insecurities are not real (in addition to my personal growth and self esteem change the dynamic of the insecurities).

Those two issues preyed on my psyche until I got back from picking up Thurston from school & Richie & Monica for dinner.  It was then I realized Chris was not leaving.  My mind sighed a breath of relief.  My mini personal Thanksgiving was going to go forward with me a little less anxious.  I never did find out who Chris was texting with, but I have just let it be.  I am more confident of our relationship. I believe we both are entitled to our friendships and the confidences within them. I can be stronger than my anxious weak moments.

Dinner was wonderful. The comfort of my home warm and smelling like food and freshly baked bread. The cats happy lounging around belly up.  Music, talking, laughing. Living in the moment, not wishing for it to pass quickly so the next one can happen.

Then I got to 11 pm.

The sleepiness
laying on the edge of my bed
watching what is funny
feeling like i said something wrong
my instant apology
this time
his request for no apology
telling me one of the reasons for his love of me
the tears that it still brings to my eyes
touching the end of my nose
smoothing my hair
simply being so close that our eyes barely have to be open
yet looking into them
more talking
more love
more respect
more trust
more understanding
more freedom to say anything
more more more love
being mentally and physically connected
amazement and knowing it in the moment
to know what it means to be loved
and even more, to be loved by him.

he continues to blow my mind away.

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