I know that living in Southern California it is nearly impossible to not have to commute in some fashion to work. I do. I go from Normal Heights to UCSD/La Jolla. Typically it is only about a 10-15 minute drive with no/little traffic. Most mornings however it takes about 30 minutes and on bad traffic days it can take just under an hour (this is rare...like 1-2x per month). I far prefer traffic in my morning commute rather than in my evening commute. I am far less stressed about time constraints in my morning commute, instead of my evening when I feel like I am racing against a clock.
I am a creature of habit, said it before and it doesn't seem to change. I drop Thurston at school, go to Twiggs and get an iced coffee with almond milk and head to work. My morning commute is the rare 1/2 hour that I get everyday to be alone. I get to listen to whatever music without considering anybody else. I get to run through my previous day. I get to try to find words to match up with the experiences I have in my daily life. I watch the clouds moving along the coast. I get to see the sun play on the various olive green canyon hills that run along the sides of the 2 freeways I travel upon. I get to see Presidio Mission in a variety of sun light and weather. My mind gets to wander free.
Although I do not miss being unemployed or partially unemployed, I do, however, miss the time I had on a regular basis to just sit in Twiggs and write. I miss that catharsis. I guess I am trying to cram that into 1/2 hour a day in my car...problem...don't get to write it down while driving.
Today I found myself listening to the same song over and over. Not uncommon when I feel like a song is speaking to me. Today it was "Them Shoes" by Patrick Sweany. I had been listening to the radio (to try to get a read on traffic) as I sat waiting to turn right onto Texas Street. Sudden and massive anxiety attack hit me. I just wanted to turn around, go home, grab my journal and go plant myself at Twiggs for the next 3 hours. I told myself it would pass. I have to follow through on my day and the responsibilities that it brings. Nothing bad has happened. I just kept telling myself that over the radio. I thought, well shit, maybe the radio is not helping, so quickly, while still at a stop light, put on Grooveshark on my phone and Them Shoes was the song up. I started breathing easier again. I knew the anxiety would start to pass.
I was able then to let my thoughts wander again. I returned to the clouds. Pondered the rain moving through San Diego. The day isn't completely dark and these clouds with the sun behind them have a luminous quality. Today's clouds are the cottony type clouds that look full of water and life. I wanted to take a picture to be able to send to Melanie, but always a super dicey prospect when driving in shitty morning traffic...so no picture occurred.
Thought of Chris and time together last night. The things we talked about. How I struggle in the moment with intense emotion and my ability to express it. How when I can't, it ends up leaking out of my eyes. I thought of how my life has evolved radically in the last year in the arenas of love and work. How I continue to be blown away from the evolution of my relationship with Chris. How alive I do feel and how shocked I am that it comes from being in love.
I thought about the word "cunt." It seems to me that a couple of years ago I read a very funny piece about that word. Although for the life of me I can't think about where or when I read it or what it really said. I had a fleeting though of trying to search for it on the Internet. Decided that might be a bit of a time burglar and perhaps it could be reserved for another moment in time.
I thought about how dreamy I feel today rather than awake and ready to attack my day. How a leisurely long bike ride would be awesome but not so much in really cold, damp morning weather. Maybe closer to 1pm instead? Would I wear that new warm long sleeve jersey I got at the Veloswap? Probably.
Well, you can see how my thoughts go around and in all of it trying to find the words to describe what I see and how I feel. I do miss that unadulterated time to have my ipod playing and writing with little distraction. Hmmm. Now just at work and realizing that I have a bunch of stuff to get done.
The distractions have taken over the brain.....
Link is if you wanted to hear the song "Them Shoes" by Patrick Sweany