Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Angry and a little mentally lost.

I am sitting here in my office.  I have been working since I got here, other than a couple of minutes on Facebook to make sure I didn't miss any birthdays, which in the end I did. grrrr.....

I am trying to find focus but all I find myself doing is going back to all the crap going on in my life and just being really angry.  With that said, although there are times I can be quick to anger,but I am not always.  We as women generally have been told that to be angry and express it means we are just a bitch, and to be disregarded and even more...not lady like to show anger.  When that fails to control our anger, it is amazing to me how many people, men and women will tell you in the face of your anger how really "you just need to refocus your energy and stop being ungrateful for all the good that is in your life." I cannot tell you how many times I see that as a response to so many people who are trying to express and process through their anger.  I guess that too makes me angry.  

Anger, in my opinion, does have a function, if you can recognize and process through it.  Then you can be truly grateful rather than just giving lip service of gratitude to those around you.  The most insidious anger is the anger that I direct at myself.  It is the most painful, most challenging to work through.  Maybe if I get some of these down in writing, I can figure out the way to process through the anger and actually become the change I want to be.

List of crap I am angry about:

1. I am angry that after a month I am still living with a ridiculous amount of unpacked boxes.
2. I am angry that the unpacked boxes bothers me to my core. That is creates anxiety that at this time I can barely control. Giving me this feeling that I can do nothing else until my home is in order. Nothing else.  Classic compulsion from my OCD. Thanks OCD. Thanks a lot (yes sarcasm).
3. I am angry that my old boss "allegedly" embezzled money.
4. I am angry that I was the one that found it.
5. I am angry that he lied to me about so many things.
6. I am angry that I did not catch it sooner.
7. I am angry that because of his selfish behavior and lies, I probably spent 6 months of financial struggle that never really needed to happen.
8. I am pissed that I put my last $5 in my gas tank this morning and it will only get me to and from work today.
9. I am pissed that I don't know how I am going to get my sorry ass to work the rest of the week.
10. I am pissed that I have gained weight back that I worked really hard to lose in the last year and half.
11. I am pissed that I haven't ridden my bike like I like to or want to.
12. I am pissed that those excuses for not taking care of myself and my mental health have been so easy to say and fall back on, like they were 3 years ago.
13. I am pissed that I really don't like what I do for a living and what I would like to do really has no viable chance in hell to financially support myself and Thurston.
14. I am pissed that I am not content just as I am. Life would be easier if I could find that.
15. I am pissed that going through stuff and deciding to get rid of it stresses me out beyond belief.  So much so it overrides positive forward motion that have happened because others have given of their time to help me. In turn making me feel intensely ungrateful.
16. I am angry that I cannot figure out how to get the kind of education that my son needs and deserves;.
17. I am angry that I cannot help Chris more with all that he struggles with, especially since he tries so hard to give so much to me.
18. I am angry that I am not in some elusive place I feel that I should be at.
19. I am angry that I feel like my emotional needs are greater than what I should ask of Chris.  In turn making me want to go to that place I have been trying to leave. That place where I trust no one/ask no one for help or support.  It makes me angry that that place still feels like a bullshit comfort zone.

I am over it. I just want to stand at sunset cliffs and scream until I have no voice left. I want to turn to every person I come in contact with and scream at them to leave me and my fucked up mind alone. Just go the fuck away.

Then I see the picture of my friend holding his brand new incredible, beautiful baby boy (and him with a look of profound love/joy), and I just want to cry.  There is so much beauty and love.  I just can't seem to tap into it today.  I hope tomorrow or even an hour from now I can find my way to that space.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Checking Out

My anxiety seems to be manifesting differently these days.  Maybe it is due to when I was on medication and behavior modification then, or maybe the year of intensive therapy I did not too long ago , or maybe it is simply age.  My anxiety now reveals itself as migraines and then simply checking out (along with the usual lack of emotional filters).  It is like I am not living in my body.  Like I am really really high, but not in a good relaxed way.  The way where you have little control.  More like I am going to black out at any point and suddenly.  2 days ago I was at work, had been having a massive anxiety attack since I tried to get up at 6am,  and yet was still trying to function (aka go to work).  By 1 in the afternoon I was working on an excel worksheet and literally found myself "coming to" from a completely black visual.  It scared the fuck out of me.  I left work. I texted Chris saying I was scared to wait any longer to drive, had to go home and please make sure I made it home (which I did). It felt like a massive migraine was coming, but every time this pain started, I seemed to just "check out." Fortunately, the rest of the time I was at home and in bed.  I recognize that at some point the black turned into me just falling asleep, but there were many times it didn't.  I also got freaked out as my eyelids would not blink in unison together.  I am sure that must be a sign of something strange.  I was and remain scared.  I do have a doctor appointment coming up.  I am going to tell her of this, and see what she says.  The amount of stress/anxiety for the last 2 1/2 weeks has been extraordinary.  I do not believe I have felt this level of anxiety since Ilya passed in October.

I am struggling to keep my anxiety in check.  I did not work yesterday due to this issue, and by the end of the day felt more like myself.  Today I started feeling mild anxiety, but it has increased since being here at work.  I am starting to feel that sensation of "checking out" come back.  I went outside in the sunlight and focused on my breathing and reminding myself that what is most precious to me is indeed safe.  That I need not feel this intense feeling of fear as I know everything to generally be ok.  I really hope this passes soon. I know I have lots of wonderful things happening in my life.  I don't want to be "checked out" for them.