Friday, February 7, 2014

Checking Out

My anxiety seems to be manifesting differently these days.  Maybe it is due to when I was on medication and behavior modification then, or maybe the year of intensive therapy I did not too long ago , or maybe it is simply age.  My anxiety now reveals itself as migraines and then simply checking out (along with the usual lack of emotional filters).  It is like I am not living in my body.  Like I am really really high, but not in a good relaxed way.  The way where you have little control.  More like I am going to black out at any point and suddenly.  2 days ago I was at work, had been having a massive anxiety attack since I tried to get up at 6am,  and yet was still trying to function (aka go to work).  By 1 in the afternoon I was working on an excel worksheet and literally found myself "coming to" from a completely black visual.  It scared the fuck out of me.  I left work. I texted Chris saying I was scared to wait any longer to drive, had to go home and please make sure I made it home (which I did). It felt like a massive migraine was coming, but every time this pain started, I seemed to just "check out." Fortunately, the rest of the time I was at home and in bed.  I recognize that at some point the black turned into me just falling asleep, but there were many times it didn't.  I also got freaked out as my eyelids would not blink in unison together.  I am sure that must be a sign of something strange.  I was and remain scared.  I do have a doctor appointment coming up.  I am going to tell her of this, and see what she says.  The amount of stress/anxiety for the last 2 1/2 weeks has been extraordinary.  I do not believe I have felt this level of anxiety since Ilya passed in October.

I am struggling to keep my anxiety in check.  I did not work yesterday due to this issue, and by the end of the day felt more like myself.  Today I started feeling mild anxiety, but it has increased since being here at work.  I am starting to feel that sensation of "checking out" come back.  I went outside in the sunlight and focused on my breathing and reminding myself that what is most precious to me is indeed safe.  That I need not feel this intense feeling of fear as I know everything to generally be ok.  I really hope this passes soon. I know I have lots of wonderful things happening in my life.  I don't want to be "checked out" for them.

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