Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Solitude

Getting close to a month of not being on Facebook.

Yesterday at work, there was a problem with my computer. No email. Took all day and evening to fix the issue.  I was thinking as I was going over the issue with our IT guy...wow...no Facebook, no email...only phone and text.

 It didn't freak me out.

Last night around 10pm, I was taking my usual night time shower and I had a moment to revisit this lack of accessibility I have at the moment.  It is by choice.  I don't have to limit my availability to people.  Yet, I like it.  There has been a frenetic quality in my life that is diminishing over the last couple of weeks.

I thought I would miss so much without that public forum.  I probably am missing some things, but I am not missing is seeing people's constant struggle with life in our modern world.  Nobody really wanted to see mine, and in all honesty, I don't want the minute to minute update of someone's shitty day, week, or life.  As I see it, we are all struggling in some fashion with some aspect of our life.  That is LIFE.  However, I would much rather meet up with a friend, listen intently to their struggle and hold their hand.  Somehow that seems so much more real than the shitty quips most of us (at least whom I am friends with) are good at. I have decided I would rather meet with somebody for 2 hours over coffee/tea and hear about their challenges and successes than the removed 20 seconds here and there for a year.  I suppose I am choosing the tangible even if less frequent over the constant removed update.

The focus on the real, the personal is far more satisfying to me.  I recently have felt the need to remove myself from the greater world in a small way, feed myself mentally and emotionally, and protect myself and the people closest to me (aka my little family of Thurston and Chris).  My time and focus seem to have resurfaced in leaving the chaos of intense social media. I am thinking in longer strings rather than in 10 words or less.  Allowing myself to delve into the more complex, as it were.

After a week of no Facebook, I felt like I was on vacation.  As if I had retreated to the mountains and was living a bit of solitude.  The waking dream that I have all too often.  The solitude of quiet.  I am in this moment re-living a treasured memory of being at Ilya's home Il Paradisio and the sun was just setting.  We are in her little kitchen cooking, laughing, talking.  The house smelled of garlic and herbs mostly lemon balm and the scent of pungent pine seeping though all the pores of that sweet house.  The last of the day's sunlight streaming through the old wavy glass of those windows.  All the issues of the day were gone.  It was just us, dinner cooking, kitties wandering under our feet.  Then the quiet of sitting in the living room listening very possibly to Mozart and drinking a Pimm's cup.  In those moments after an afternoon of laying on those healing rocks in the sun, I found myself (in my memory) completely present in that moment.  The small joys and pleasures of daily life.  The beauty that surrounds those actions and friendship.

I have found those moments again.  Chris sits and keeps me company in our new home while cooking dinner....different music playing...of late mostly Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros Radio station on my Pandora. Sharing a glass of wine talking about our day with the smell of garlic and onions heavy in the air.  Kitties laying on the floor belly up with a smile on their most wicked faces.  We talk of the past. We talk of the now.  We just talk.  Sometimes though we are quiet listening to music and the sounds of the old Victorian we now inhabit.  I find it easy to be present.  To cherish the moment within it, rather than thinking and checking on what everybody else is thinking, feeling or doing.

Again tapped into a space of solitude even with a full life around me.


Wednesday, March 5, 2014

disintigrating skeletons

I think most of us at some time or another carry the burden of the so called skeleton in our closet.  I certainly have.  There were two sides to that coin.  One side had been revealed the other remained hidden.  I cannot speak to other people's processing or how they have felt about their skeletons.  I personally carried a great deal of shame and remorse.  This post, however, is not about the creation of that skeleton but it's final death throws of existence in my life.  Watching this skeleton become revealed has been painful.  Painful in a different way from the initial discovery of the one side of the coin.  For me, that was the more relevant closet that got opened.  It was the creation of a new life for me.  One that was committed to owning my life, my happiness and my future.  The flip side of that coin really is the final fallout.

I have had five years to process my actions.  Five years to learn how to look at myself in the mirror again without self loathing.  Ultimately, to figure out who indeed I am, what I believe in, and what is most important to me in my brief existence. It has been and continues to be an amazing journey full of anxiety, fear, challenge and discovery of more personal strength than I ever realized I possessed.

In the last couple of days I have had a great deal of anger vented at me, even though I was only a symptom, not the disease.  That anger has made me scared and even a bit paranoid.  Yet at the same time some really powerful thoughts have come my way.

I have realized how far I have come in the last five years.  Regardless of whether or not anybody else sees it.  In fact it really does not matter if others see it.  It is mine and only mine.  As Charlie said to me yesterday...it is about sitting with yourself. Coming to a space of loving kindness of sorts...not just for myself but for others as well.  As Eastern as this is, it lives deep in the Judaism I practice as well.

For the time being, I have stepped away from Facebook.  I have deleted my account. Time to make a break.  I have fully realized that now I am embarked on a new part, nay cycle of my life.  All signs have pointed to the massive end of a pivotal cycle for me.  A cycle of pain and rediscovery.  I am grateful to have made  it through this period.  I see others that my life has touched (in a painful way the last few days) and remember the loss, disorientation and deep sadness that once had a brutal grip on my psyche.

I know that I am not immune to those cycles and I hope I have the continued strength to weather them the next time they circle around.  I have learned so much in the last couple of days.  It has been overwhelming.  It has reinforced for me to continue to learn to be able to say what I want, what I need from a relationship.  Learning that I truly value experiences with other humans and physical life around me more than the material.  I am indeed, in many ways, a hopeless romantic.  I have solidified that my relationship MUST be one of deep, intense friendship and can never stray from that.  I never just want to be a roommate or ships passing in the night because we have forgotten how to connect or too consumed with the rudimentary of daily life.  I want to be with the person who, with me, wants and can make the rudimentary of life delicate, beautiful and meaningful even in its quiet simplicity.

Thank you Chris and Rabbi for helping me focus on seeing a silver lining when a lapse of judgement, mistake,  misdeed from my life five years ago has presented itself in one last pirouette to ultimately be disintegrated into ash in the full light of real life.