I think most of us at some time or another carry the burden of the so called skeleton in our closet. I certainly have. There were two sides to that coin. One side had been revealed the other remained hidden. I cannot speak to other people's processing or how they have felt about their skeletons. I personally carried a great deal of shame and remorse. This post, however, is not about the creation of that skeleton but it's final death throws of existence in my life. Watching this skeleton become revealed has been painful. Painful in a different way from the initial discovery of the one side of the coin. For me, that was the more relevant closet that got opened. It was the creation of a new life for me. One that was committed to owning my life, my happiness and my future. The flip side of that coin really is the final fallout.
I have had five years to process my actions. Five years to learn how to look at myself in the mirror again without self loathing. Ultimately, to figure out who indeed I am, what I believe in, and what is most important to me in my brief existence. It has been and continues to be an amazing journey full of anxiety, fear, challenge and discovery of more personal strength than I ever realized I possessed.
In the last couple of days I have had a great deal of anger vented at me, even though I was only a symptom, not the disease. That anger has made me scared and even a bit paranoid. Yet at the same time some really powerful thoughts have come my way.
I have realized how far I have come in the last five years. Regardless of whether or not anybody else sees it. In fact it really does not matter if others see it. It is mine and only mine. As Charlie said to me yesterday...it is about sitting with yourself. Coming to a space of loving kindness of sorts...not just for myself but for others as well. As Eastern as this is, it lives deep in the Judaism I practice as well.
For the time being, I have stepped away from Facebook. I have deleted my account. Time to make a break. I have fully realized that now I am embarked on a new part, nay cycle of my life. All signs have pointed to the massive end of a pivotal cycle for me. A cycle of pain and rediscovery. I am grateful to have made it through this period. I see others that my life has touched (in a painful way the last few days) and remember the loss, disorientation and deep sadness that once had a brutal grip on my psyche.
I know that I am not immune to those cycles and I hope I have the continued strength to weather them the next time they circle around. I have learned so much in the last couple of days. It has been overwhelming. It has reinforced for me to continue to learn to be able to say what I want, what I need from a relationship. Learning that I truly value experiences with other humans and physical life around me more than the material. I am indeed, in many ways, a hopeless romantic. I have solidified that my relationship MUST be one of deep, intense friendship and can never stray from that. I never just want to be a roommate or ships passing in the night because we have forgotten how to connect or too consumed with the rudimentary of daily life. I want to be with the person who, with me, wants and can make the rudimentary of life delicate, beautiful and meaningful even in its quiet simplicity.
Thank you Chris and Rabbi for helping me focus on seeing a silver lining when a lapse of judgement, mistake, misdeed from my life five years ago has presented itself in one last pirouette to ultimately be disintegrated into ash in the full light of real life.