Friday, May 16, 2014

thoughts on my behavior

Nobody likes it when a criticism comes from someone important in their lives.  At least I haven't found someone who does.  When it is me, I want to justify, rationalize.  At least that is the race of initial thoughts that run rampant in my mind in those first moments.  Then I tell myself to stop and listen, try to focus and hear what that person is saying.  Not to say that I always agree, but I do feel that I need to try as hard as I can to hear what the person has to say in full and understand it before I react.  It is hard.  My self esteem is growing and getting better but still lives in these moments in a defensive mode.  I understand that defense and denial really get me no where.  Criticism is hard.  In its purest form it asks me to examine myself and essentially my words & actions.   

In trying to process recent criticism, I have to, in all honesty, check my ego.  I am talking about ego and not narcissism.  It has come to my attention that at times I can talk down to people, like they are small children.  That I can keep pushing and asking the same question time and again in different ways.  

I have been thinking on these issues.  Trying to figure out why this is happening.  I do not intend to behave in this way, and the repetitive questions I do not realize I am even doing.  I have decided that perhaps it is my ego that created the first issue-talking down and the second issue comes from insecurity.

The ego part:  somewhere it got programmed in me that I am some how responsible for the actions of those closest to me.  I mean, how more egotistical can that be?  I need to become more conscious of this.  Try in the moment when somebody does something I, basically, don't agree with, or makes me uncomfortable....I need to check myself.  I am only responsible for my own words and actions, no one else's.  They are entitled to their words and actions.  I do have options to deal with those situations without having to resort to talking down to somebody.  Talking down to somebody to try to control the situation is rude.  This behavior on my part is no longer acceptable.  Especially now that I have been made aware that I do this.  I don't know exactly what will happen when I find myself in an uncomfortable situation, but I will do my damnedest to keep myself in check and remember that their words/actions are not mine to own or control.

As to my insecurities...I can only work on them on a day to day basis.  Some days are better than others.  Again, I am going to attempt to be more conscious of what comes out of my mouth.  All of this is a process.  It may require me to be quieter.  Take more time to think my responses through.  I am going to try to do that, instead of react; not just to the situation but my fears that may or may not be founded.

Anyways...some heavy days of thinking.  Hope that I can follow through on the behavioral changes.  I respect those I love most to treat them in this manner.